Not looking for Beauty

[~greg]

Greg
Thank you for the sweet attention you gave to the surface of what I am doing
...

Your accusation that I do not give you enough attention,
or only superficial attention, is quite consistent of you.

When I first read the poem I got the impression of a
thesis-thesis-thesis-antithesis - implied synthesis,
sort of movement toward the last stanza.

And that's what I thought was really good about it.
The large gesture of it. The fact that it was not just
4 independent stanzas thrown together. It had a
real coherence. It was a gestalt.

But the changes that others were suggesting
all seemed to me to be inconsistent with the big picture.
Most of them seemed to me to either deny it existed,
or else to outright disrespect it. Which I thought was
discourteous of them. Which is why posted what I did.

The fact that I didn't suggest changes or make detailed
comments was not because my reaction was any more
or less superficial than anyone else's. It was because
I believe that the first order of business that anyone
ought to engage in is to clarify and explicate exactly
what the large gesture of the poem really is before doing
anything else. I don't mean they have to be right about it.
I mean they at least have to have the courtesy to the
author to try to understand what he was globally
trying to say, and then perhaps to suggest how he
could have said that better, rather than wildly
suggesting locally better-line changes for purely ad-hoc
reasons. All parts must contribute to the whole.
But you have to be clear about the whole
before you can be clear about the parts.

Feeling that there is a large gesture there,
and being able to express it in words, are not,
of course, exactly the same thing.
And this would that 1/3rd of the time
that I'd want to be sure to make perfect sense,
rather than burden people with my usual 2/3rds nonsense.

So.
If I get the time, and can clearly express what I think
the overall gesture really is, then maybe I'll talk
about all of the little details - in terms of how
well or badly they contribute to the whole.

Until then, I think maybe the best way for me
to indicate, at least in part, where my head's at about this
- and trusting that I'm not being too elliptic
- is to quote the fragment of Leonard Cohen poem
that Jack's poem reminded me of. Namely -

Not that I did compare,
But I do compare
Now that she's gone.

(The full poem was -

For Anne

With Annie gone,
whose eyes to compare
With the morning sun?

Not that I did compare,
But I do compare
Now that she's gone.

[mickey_one]

Jack, in my opinion rhyme cheapens this little piece.

In each verse I have taken your original, removed the last two lines (and therefore the rhyming pattern also) and replaced those clumsy formations with what I perceive to be your goal/intent/that which you seek, the muse herself.
Perhaps this will help you move "outside the square, off the steel rails and into intent.?

I’m not looking for beauty
when i walk on the street
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when i look through the drawers
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when I look in the mirror
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
I'm looking
for you.


Writing is fun!

Jack , mat's version may be helpful to you. The result is completely unremarkable and wouldn't be worth posting in itself, but he has taken your idea and shown that a minute's thought can lead to an alternative to the dull old rhyming pattern you used. now all you have to do, keeping the freedom of mat's pattern, is to find something rather more interesting to say.

regards

michael

ps I am in awe of your New Year resolution and how you are performing it so consistently well, (at least towards me, if not Greg).

[lazariuk]

Greg
Thank you for the sweet attention you gave to the surface of what I am doing
...

Your accusation that I do not give you enough attention,
or only superficial attention, is quite consistent of you.

I can't do it because I have other commitments but what I would like to do is get on a plane and then a taxi and go to your house and sit beside you and put an arm around you and have my hand give your shoulder a squeese. I might not know what to say then but I would want you to feel that I am encouraging you in some way.

There was no accusation. I truly did appreciate your attention and there is nothing that I wrote to you that needed to be taken as belittling. We are far away from each other and so it is just the surface that is visible. I have no way of knowing if you are far above or far below me or if that even matters.

If you are wanting to compare how you would approach my poem with how others approached it that is find with me. Go ahead and continue with what you began here.

Not that I did compare,
But I do compare
Now that she's gone.

[lazariuk]

Jack wrote to Greg

I can't do it because I have other commitments but what I would like to do is get on a plane and then a taxi and go to your house and sit beside you and put an arm around you and have my hand give your shoulder a squeese. I might not know what to say then but I would want you to feel that I am encouraging you in some way.

After writing that I got kind of curious and asked myself "What was that all about?" "Do you think you are a father figure to Greg?"
So I followed my imagination to see where it would go. Where would we be when I put my arm around Greg? When would be be? How would we be? What would we be thinking?
Here is where my imagination led.
We are awake very early in the morning while others are still asleep. We are kids on our way to something, maybe fishing and we stop at a church to rest. We have no interest in the activities of churches and we are just stopping there because of it's steps that we can sit on. It is on account of me that we need to stop and rest as I have sore feet.
As we sit there we are looking at each other's feet and I am feeling that something is bugging him and I put my arm around so that I can give his shoulder a squeese but I am not thinking of why, it just seems like the right thing to do. Meanwhile he is looking at my feet and thinking that it must be hard for me with that messed up foot that I have and somehow that makes things a little easier on him. I too have a slight thought about his feet that it would be nicer for me if my feet didn't hurt all the time but it doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Strange eh?