The Ringmaster

[William]

The Ringmaster

The ringmaster’s such a charming fellow,
in his shining hat and coat of yellow.
And he calls the tune, he conducts the band
while holding the whip lightly in his hand.
The animals jump, the animals dance,
controlled by his smile, the steel in his glance,
elephants stumble, the tigers don’t roar,
for none is the creature he was before.

[mickey_one]

The Ringmaster

The ringmaster’s such a charming fellow,
in his shining hat and coat of yellow.
And he calls the tune, he conducts the band
while holding the whip lightly in his hand.
The animals jump, the animals dance,
controlled by his smile, the steel in his glance,
elephants stumble, the tigers don’t roar,
for none is the creature he was before.

here are some possible changes for this jolly piece. the suggestions are mostly rhythmic rather than substantial. I do think the first change is important. The poem centres on the Ringmaster whom you introduce, in the poem itself, in lower case! I am not quite sure what your poem means but you might find that I have put it on wheels. Your Line 4 in particular was too clanky and slow

regards

michael


The Ringmaster’s such a charming fellow,
his shining hat and his coat of yellow.
He calls the tune and conducts the band
the whip held lightly in his hand.
The animals jump, the animals dance,
controlled by his smile or the steel in his glance,
the elephants stumble and the tigers don’t roar,
none are the creatures they were before.[

[lizzytysh]

I love your poem sadly, William. The circus is unbearable.

I like your tweaking suggestions, Michael.


~ Lizzy

[Alan Alda]

Gawd. I hate the circus.

mickey~ William stuck to a strict 10-syllable line so although your suggestion for line four works, it messes up the form.

William ~

There is very little that didn't work for me. And you managed to create a rhyming poem that doesn't seem trite.

I think that "holding" in line-4 is weak. "gripping" would be a more intense action, especially given the undertone of cruelty. Of course that change would mean a re-working of that line. But as michael says, it is the one real problem.

Only other this would be to consider "and" replacing "or" in line-6.

Gawd. I hate the circus. Great poem, though.

cheers,
laurie

[mickey_one]

Gawd. I hate the circus.

mickey~ William stuck to a strict 10-syllable line so although your suggestion for line four works, it messes up the form.


laurie

yes, it's not just a mathematical calculation. The line "while holding the whip lightly in his hand" just doesn't flow. But beyond that it's a matter of how you feel the rhythm. I clearly prefer

his shining hat and his coat of yellow

to

in his shining hat and coat of yellow

both 10 syllables but the start of the line with "in" just doesn't flow for me. ditto for all the rest of my suggestions.

seeeya

mike

[Alan Alda]

hey mikee~

mikee wrote:

the whip held lightly in his hand.

It was this line (line-4) I was talking about where the line count was undone not the one you just mentioned.

Oh well. No big deal. I was just trying to point out messing with the overall form (like the line 4 revision) knocks out the bones so revision suggestions probably should adhere to his structure.

I'm really more concerned about the damned bear roaming around here making me afraid to use my hottub...those are Real concerns...this sh*t? notsomuch.

cheers,
L

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Michael has done well with the changes... it read well
I'm not sure I'm with Laurie on holding and tightly. Tightly indicates fear/tension which I don't believe is what the ringmaster feels. He is in control. I would work on that line (line 4).

Sometimes I read it and I like the transition in the last two lines and then I think it needs another line or phrase... not sure.
Below is a slight re-write. I have sacrificed the form for sense or rhythm... but...
In bold are words I replaced
I like the idea... the transtion...


The Ringmaster

The ringmaster’s such a charming fellow,
in his shining hat and coat of yellow.
AS he calls the tune, AND conducts the band
holding the whip ............ in his hand.
The animals jump, the animals dance,
controlled by his smile, the steel in his glance,
elephants stumble, tigers don’t roar,
for none is the creature he was before.


Jimmy

[Alan Alda]

Jimmy wrote:

I'm not sure I'm with Laurie on holding and tightly.

Boy, first Mikee mis-reads what I wrote...now you.
I didn't make any mention of "tightly"...to the contrary that word does fit into the theme as you say.

I do still think "gripping" is more in theme than the weak-ish 'holding' that your revision incorporates.

Hopefully William appreciates our input and realizes it is an effort to help out...

cheers,
Laurie

[damellon]

hey mikee~

mikee wrote:

the whip held lightly in his hand.

It was this line (line-4) I was talking about where the line count was undone not the one you just mentioned.

Oh well. No big deal. I was just trying to point out messing with the overall form (like the line 4 revision) knocks out the bones so revision suggestions probably should adhere to his structure.

I'm really more concerned about the damned bear roaming around here making me afraid to use my hottub...those are Real concerns...this sh*t? notsomuch.

cheers,
L

Hope William will excuse the diversion - I'm not here to critique - but can you say more about this bear, Laurie? You're making me nervous. Is your hottub in the open air? You need a Ringmaster.

[Alan Alda]

Oy. This is a tangent....apologies to William.
Hey Damellon~Yeah. My hottub is in my back yard, a wooded area. I need an armed guard. We got our first snow yesterday. It will be hibernating soon...not soon enough...then, there's spring....L

[mickey_one]

J

Boy, first Mikee mis-reads what I wrote...now you.

cheers,
Laurie

oh come off it Laurie. you were clearly telling us about you being bare in the thingytub, why deny it now?

[Alan Alda]

mikkeee~ Guilty.

[William]

Thank you all - my current draft of line four is:

"while clenching the whip so tight in his hand."

Laurie, a little poem - spontaneously just for you;

Lines composed while surprised in a tub.

Bear
with
me,
fully
fur
coated.

[Manna]

composed while surprised in a tub

now that's a poem!!!

[Alan Alda]

Hey William~

I do like your revised like much better. Hope you do too.

Thanks for the driveby poem

For some reason it makes me think of this silly joke I heard about these bears and these two tourists. One of the tourists was from Czechoslavakia the other from Austria. They'd been camping at a remote site in Alaksa and no one had heard from them for a long time so rangers were called to go looking for them. They came upon the camp site and it was clear that something terrible had happened. Signs of bear were everywhere and the campers no where to be found. While at the camp two bears, a male and a female, came charging out of the woods and the rangers had to shoot them. Trying to discover the fate of the campers, they did an autopsy on the spot and discovered the czech was in the male.

L