still working on a title

[Manna]

She Kneels on the Forest Floor



my sister pours a candy corn hill
of sweet autumn into my hand.

we head for the woods
so logged out

they haven’t been old
since Colonial times.

I mention the Dafoe boys
of our twiggy hometown.

they snapped her bra and
we chased through mud until…



what’s left of last year’s leaves
hold tiny skitters in tiny places.

making sense of time
she gets close to the soil

turns it over
in her wrinkling hands.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Title possibility:

Candy Corn Hill
My sister pours a candy corn hill
of sweet autumn into my hand.

We head for the woods
so logged out

they haven’t been old
since colonial times.

I mention the Dafoe boys
of our twiggy hometown;

they snapped her bra and
we chased through mud until…

What’s left of last year’s leaves
hold tiny skitters in tiny places.


This may be another poem, I'm not sure:

Making sense of time
she gets close to the soil

turns it over
in her wrinkling hands.


You know me by now, Manna.... I havta put in punctuation!!!! and all that anal stuff... I think your poem is clearer, and communicates better with my changes....

This is an evocative piece, so I titled it thus, using an idea of yours.
The last four lines of the original, I think, feels different from the rest.

Jimmy

[lizzytysh]

Hi Manna ~

I like Jimmy's title suggestion and agree about the difference in feeling of the end 'section.' Jimmy ~ Would you mind putting the space back in between the title and the poem? I keep wanting to push the poem down with my index finger.

I'm wondering about your repetition of the word tiny within the same line.

On other notes, your poem is very evocative for me, too... I think of over-development, Global Warming, and my lifelong wish to have a sister. [I won't say that yours is old as dirt ~ for one thing, I know better... for another, it's just too predictable to actually say it.]

One last, serious thing; wouldn't colonial be capitalized?


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

original title was "Something like a Childhood Ago," but that began to feel corny or stupid in other ways - not working with this draft. While I thank you for trying to help, I don't want the title to come from the body because there are certain things I want for the title. I want a justification for keeping the ending as I've posted. I may not be old enough to title this yet. Or maybe I need to listen to more country music.

Fall has a tendency to make everything feel old. My sister has a knack for loving everything.

oh yeah - Colonial.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Something like a Childhood Ago

My sister pours a candy corn hill
of sweet autumn into my hand.

We head for the woods
so logged out

they haven’t been old
since Colonial times.

I mention the Dafoe boys
of our twiggy hometown;

they snapped her bra and
we chased through mud until…

What’s left of last year’s leaves
hold tiny skitters in tiny places.

Making sense of time
she still gets close to the soil,

turns it over in her wrinkling hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just added the word "still" to line 14....

JImmy

[Manna]

I think I found a title.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

... and that would be???

What does the "final" draft now look like???

Jimmy

[lazariuk]

... and that would be???

I came here late but I noticed that she edited the original a few times and so maybe it is where it should be

[Manna]

oh, nevermind anyway. Two days later and I don't like that title anymore. (It's at the top of poem. )