Scale (another edit, maybe)

[Manna]

Scale

look inward deeper
than living tissue
cells and molecules

find what is smaller
than space between atoms
subatomic particles

too vague to be
acknowledged as matter
they are magical energy

then squint outward
beyond that streak
of grey-yellow photons

colossal gyrations
in cosmic contours
make mysterious figures

in meticulous freefall

________________________________

look inward deeper
than living tissue
cells and molecules

find what is smaller
than space between atoms
subatomic particles

things so small
they aren't even matter
they're magical energy

then look outward
beyond that streak
of grey-yellow photons
for colossal gyrations
and see how the cosmos

makes mysterious figures
in meticulous freefall



__________________________________________________
Scale: here

look inward, deeper than cavernous meat,
cells and molecules, press your solemn gaze
at something smaller than the space between atoms
and the magical energy of subatomic particles -
things so small we cannot recognize them
even as matter anymore

then look outward, infinitely beyond
that streak of grey-yellow morning photons
out beyond planets in colossal gyration
around suns, see what cosmos there is
look bigger and see its mysterious contours
we cannot recognize what it has made

I propose that it goes like that forever.


edited to take out the crappy line: caught in time and memory
also, kind of wondering if anyone besides me gets "cavernous meat"

[mickey_one]

Man in lonely hospital room, he say "this is to show I can't sleep but I can type on a blackberry even with shoulder dressed packed nowhere to go and arm in sling". The drugs refuse permission for me to crit. your piece which could have been called Nothing Matters,(a tiny but delicious play.) Btw the room service is not as good as that we enjoyed in our 5* Comp.Hotel.

[mat james]

Great view Manna from where you sat me.
I love the word "juxtaposition"
The title "Scale here" works perfectly for me.
Here we sit and here we wonder
From "here", juxtaposed in "just-a-position", space viewing space, we live and wonder.
The mind is a wonderful tool. To think that it can conceive of all this and view it internally as though we were "out there" so to speak, is a beautiful wonder and happening in itself.
I love this sauntering, and whether there is "meaning" in that space or no meaning (god or no god), the fact that we are "here" (Scale here), now, viewing that panorama, is, if nothing else, a lucky impossible pleasure.
Thanks for taking me back to this "seeing".

Maybe that is why they call the Pope, The Holy See.

Regards, Matj

[Byron]

Man in lonely hospital room, he say "this is to show I can't sleep but I can type on a blackberry even with shoulder dressed packed nowhere to go and arm in sling"

Should it be called a Qwertyberry?

[Manna]

Hey, there lonely guy. Even though you're the drugged one, I had to sleep on "Nothing Matters" before I got the joke. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Matj, thanks for the lovely thoughts. I had to scrap a few crappy ealier drafts of this before the phrase "collosal cosmos" came to me. It was the seed for getting this draft started.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Hi, Manna

I have restructured your poem without changing a word. All I did was take out punctuation, dropped the last line, I don't think it adds anything to what ytou already said.. and I have titled it simply, Here.
I believe in using proper punctuation, grammar etc etc... but... if one decides to leave out punctuation then leave it out altogether and form the words on the page in such a way as it makes sense. Let the spaces on the page work for you...
I have given it a three line structure because I think it happens to fit the flow and rhythm of your piece.
THUS:

Here

look inward
deeper than cavernous meat
cells and molecules

press your solemn gaze
at something smaller
than the space between atoms

and
the magical energy
of subatomic particles

things so small
we cannot recognize them
even as matter anymore

then look outward
infinitely beyond
that streak

of grey-yellow morning photons
out beyond planets
in colossal gyration

around suns
see
what cosmos there is

look bigger
and see
its mysterious contours

we cannot recognize
what it has made


I hope you don't mind me doing this. I think it reads better this way, and it makes more sense, at least to me.

Jimmy

[Manna]

Hi Jimmy. I think some of your advise is sound, and I'm working on playing with line breaks. I don't agree with all of yours; I pretty much hate single word lines. (At least you didn't end any lines with prepositions, ha ha.) Also, what you said about punctuation seems true. I did want for only one period, and that to be at the end, after that last line, which it seems I need to reconsider. Sometimes I use a combination of line breaks and puncta to get the stresses & pauses, etc. If it's just coming off as inconsistent (ahem, lazy), then I need to rethink at least some of it.

That last line - I wanted to give the push for the reader to go beyond my examples, but if he's already going there, then I don't need to. I don't know enough about people to know if they generally would take their thoughts there in both directions.

Finally, one thing that is important for my writing is the look of the work on the page. I want it to be either pleasing to the eye, or intentionally not, depending. I'll post an edit soon.

Thanks!

[Alan Alda]

Manna~

Good start.

I think you have created a redundancy with the use of 'look inward' and then in the same sentence 'gaze.' I also think that modifying gaze with 'solemn' might be reconsidered.
"meat" is a bit off-putting. How about 'muscle' ? it (muscle) teams better (sonics) with 'cavernous' than does 'meat'

I'm thinking the beginning could start with:

Press your solemn gaze deeper than cavernous muscle,
cells and molecules....

That's all I'll say.

L

[Manna]

my initial thought was tissue.

[Alan Alda]

If you go with: tissue
then cavernous (which I don't care for) is goners. But you do need to modify it with something since it is easily, initially confused with kleenex....

[Manna]

ok, here's an edit. I might draw the title back to just Scale. That's how I originally had it.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Hi, Manna.
This is it. Much better. It's tighter. Looks better on the page. And has a big bang ending... I like that assonatal... mysterious meticulous... juxtaposes science and poetry, which I think is what you wanted to achieve. Title is perfect.

Only slight change would be to stick to three liner and end on one line. The one line ending mimics "...freefall"... It sort of hangs out there unfinished... incomplete....
(This is purely personal in preference... each to our own...but I tend to be a little anal when it comes to consistency in shape... especially in this kind of free wheeling poem... there has to be (for me, and it only reveals my own insecurities) some inner structure that holds chaos at bay....)


Scale

look inward deeper
than living tissue
cells and molecules

find what is smaller
than space between atoms
subatomic particles

things so small
they aren't even matter
they're magical energy

then look outward
beyond that streak
of grey-yellow photons

for colossal gyrations
and see how the cosmos
makes mysterious figures

in meticulous freefall

[Manna]

yeah, that works for me.

[Alan Alda]

Manna~

There is a precision there now that was sort of dragging before...can you see it?

Couple of quick comments:

your 4th stanza has both 'look' and 'see' You as the writer are responsible for what we see without having to specifically telling us to do it. Does this make sense?

3rd stanza there are two lines staring with: they // they're --Possibility there is a better way?

It is lots better. What is important is that you are happy with it.

L

[Mark A. Murphy]

"What is important is that you are happy with it."

Does this rule apply to all posters?