my non-entry...

[Alan Alda]

Best of luck and lots of Fun for those participating. This is just a goofy jot.

That's right, it's come to this...

I pushed your buttons, you pulled on mine.
We buzzed like doorbells and spilled our wine.
Your wish for diamonds and my lack of dough
found me waiting tables, wore a hole in my sole.
Tips to drop you I duly ignored-
My love, my love I'll rob a store!
That's right, it's come to this,
a life of crime for your kiss.


cheers

[mickey_one]

Best of luck and lots of Fun for those participating. This is just a goofy jot.

That's right, it's come to this...

I pushed your buttons, you pulled on mine.
We buzzed like doorbells and spilled our wine.
Your wish for diamonds and my lack of dough
found me waiting tables, wore a hole in my sole.
Tips to drop you I duly ignored-
My love, my love I'll rob a store!
That's right, it's come to this,
a life of crime for your kiss.


cheers

your provocative use of the word "sole" allows me ruthlessly to lit.crit. your poem. (and you have NO protection by calling it a "non-entry").

you wait 'til Manna reads it, he will rip you into pieces. oh yes, he may laugh and coo a bit but when he reads the unblanced last 2 lines, several syllable out on the last, call that a climax eh?

"in exchange for your kiss", "the price of your kiss", not suggesting they are particularly good but they fit better, so there, non-enterer!


mickey_one

always happy to help

[Alan Alda]

mikee~

My gentle soul is not used to such vicious and ruthless critting and I shed a single tear drop erstwhile penning this response on my feather-encrusted keyboard.

Yes, my use of sole was provactive. That I'll give you along with these words:
Your suggestions are not half bad
But...the line above the last has six syllables and the last line has seven. Your suggestions, although quite good screw up (a technical term) the balance of those aforesaid syllablathingies with the rhyme scheme being paired lines. See?

Let's see Your non-entry. I showed you mine....

L

[mickey_one]

mikee~

My gentle soul is not used to such vicious and ruthless critting and I shed a single tear drop erstwhile penning this response on my feather-encrusted keyboard.

Yes, my use of sole was provactive. That I'll give you along with these words:
Your suggestions are not half bad
But...the line above the last has six syllables and the last line has seven. Your suggestions, although quite good screw up (a technical term) the balance of those aforesaid syllablathingies with the rhyme scheme being paired lines. See?

Let's see Your non-entry. I showed you mine....

L

ok, in real time, I offer, without any hesitation or revision

Lenny C needed dosh
went to rob
with knife and cosh
loads of money
at the bookie
donned dark glasses
had a lookie
took the money
then he ran
nicked by cops
"I'm your man"

total composition time 25 seconds

objective marking 3.5 out of 10

[mickey_one]

mikee~

My gentle soul is not used to such vicious and ruthless critting and I shed a single tear drop erstwhile penning this response on my feather-encrusted keyboard.

Yes, my use of sole was provactive. That I'll give you along with these words:
Your suggestions are not half bad
But...the line above the last has six syllables and the last line has seven. Your suggestions, although quite good screw up (a technical term) the balance of those aforesaid syllablathingies with the rhyme scheme being paired lines. See?

Let's see Your non-entry. I showed you mine....

L

ok, in real time, I offer, without any hesitation or revision

Lenny C needed dosh
went to rob
with knife and cosh
loads of money
at the bookie
donned dark glasses
had a lookie
took the money
then he ran
nicked by cops
"I'm your man"

total composition time 25 seconds

objective marking 3.5 out of 10

eeeek, repeated "money", what the professionals call double-accounting, I guess.

if only I had spent another 5 seconds I would never had made that mistake

I change the first "money" to "readies"

it now reads


Lenny C needed dosh
went to rob
with knife and cosh
loads of readies
at the bookie
donned dark glasses
had a lookie
took the money
then he ran
nicked by cops
"I'm your man"

4 out of 10!

[Alan Alda]

What took you so long???

[mickey_one]

What took you so long???

the shoulder injury is dulling my wits, sorry.

[Alan Alda]

sooo, you took the extra 'money' and ran....

[Alan Alda]

Oh. Shoulder injury. Crumbs. Nice job considering the circumstances. You can be excused from having to do the uneven-parallel bars portion of the contest....L