THE DANCE

[jimbo]

we can waltz in the ballroom. we can dance on the bed.
we can take off our wings. but fly in our head.
like kites we can soar.beneath fluffy clouds.
on tides,let us tingle.dissapear in the crowd..............................

[jimbo]

the dance

[dangermouse]

Why the hell do you guys thing "a few lines for the girls" is somehow satisfactory.
Sorry Jimbo was really having a go at someone else there and it wasn't cool.
Have apologised below.
So long and keep the pen in your hand, dude.

[Christine]

Jimbo, that was lovely. Waltzing, flying and sandy toes in tides. This girl liked it.

[lizzytysh]

I understand what you're saying, DangerMouse... still, a sincere and simple offering is what I feel Jimbo is giving.

Actually, I kinda liked the idea of "girls" [and boys] ~ kind of a socio-political free zone.

I like the way you expressed your feedback, Christine. I particularly enjoyed the "disappear in the crowd" ending... just the man-and-woman/boy-and-girl together lost in, but separate from, the crowd... as they go off together. It seemed to somehow make them even more of a unit.


~ Lizzy

[jimbo]

Sorry DM its only a verse in a poem im ttrying to write for someone........................

And thank you Christine.

[damellon]

Dangermouse - If I post a poem here, I leave myself open to criticism of the poem. That you have commented in such a way on Jimbo's closing remark sounds peevish to me. Have you any comment on the poem? You will have noticed from your own submissions that most commentators try to be constructive. If I read something which doesn't appeal to me, I just don't comment. What's the point? And who's going to be that interested in my opinion if the best I can say is 'sad, sad, sad'?

[damellon]

Hi Jimbo

I really like the sense of easy light movement that comes from reading this. It works.

[Birdonawire]

I agree with Damellon. There is a lightnes to it that is appealing. Always good to get a glimpse of a work in progress. I'd like to read the finished poem if you are willing to post it Jimbo.

[lizzytysh]

You're both so right about its light movement and its lightness being appealing. I, too, look forward to reading your final poem, Jimbo.


~ Lizzy

[dangermouse]

Sorry Jimbo, forget I said all that - apology below.

[lizzytysh]

Hi DangerMouse ~

I didn't get any sense from what anyone said here that it's not cool to criticize [critique?] things here. What you said, that Damellon commented upon, had nothing to do with the poem, criticizing it or critiqueing it. You were wholly focused on Jimbo's own, editorial comment... and that was it! That is what Damellon brought to your attention, when she responded... in fact, she didn't suggest that you not criticize [critique?] his poem at all, but rather invited you to do that very thing.

These are what your comments were:

Why the hell do you guys thing "a few lines for the girls" is somehow satisfactory.
Sad sad sad

That doesn't relate to the poem, whatsoever; but is criticizing Jimbo personally.


~ Lizzy

[Birdonawire]

Fair enough Dangermouse. You are dead right. If people post anything creative on this site it is open to, and I believe, looking for constructive criticism. Constructive. Not offensive or abusive. This is not helpful and only tends to reveal more about the 'critic' rather than the piece or writer/composer. You're obviously very intelligent and you have a good insight into language (much better than my own), so your opinion would be very welcome, at least by me. Speaking for myself, I personally don't like it when people are abrupt or offensive or demeaning. It really pisses me off.

I don't know about anyone else but this is very reminiscent of a situation on this forum not so long ago.

[jimbo]

Hi all you people. I never SAID Iwas a poet.or a writer i can barely spell,
its my words that. matter.and i didnt want a shroud. i wanted to be lost in the crowd.

and all critasisms are welcome.but ill post in everything else................

good night

[damellon]

Dangermouse
Negative criticism can still be constructive but your remark was meaningless and superfluous. You didn't offer any comment on the poem. Now you have and your comments are valid. I think that the level of criticism must be relevant to the poem offered. You would not critique a child's work the same way you would the work of an educated adult. I think anyone posting here is an amateur. It is not appropriate to criticise it as if were the work of a published poet, and few of us would have that ability anyway. Don't you think there's room for poetry at all levels of skill? isn't it preferable to have people writing as best they can rather than not at all?