New Poem

[Natalie]

Jewellery Store on Gov't St.

the jewellery store
Government Street
stands dark like a tomb
for forgotten jewels

you think you rule this space
cell phone in tow you step outside
survey the walkers and
talk soft so we can't hear

we know your anorexic alcoholic
coffee-trash vegetarian
drug-smoking money-lover
girlfriend is sleeping with
everything in town

we know the gems don't
come from the ground
but are grown in a lab

so you stand dark like a womb
on Gov't Street
knowing you can never bare skin
as white as Queen Victoria's

Natalie Fuhr

[lizzytysh]

Hi Natalie.....I guess it's safe to say she's no beauty queen?
It sounds just a tad angry. Of course, if he's literally in the jewels business, he may have good reason to be speaking low. It seems the danger that does with that whole realm isn't necessarily restricted to the movies. However, "your" guy is more likely taking a mysterious stance for image. He's got quite a bit to counteract, it would seem, with her behaviour.

Interesting images in your poem. I want the jewels that come from the ground.

Lizzytysh

[Natalie]

Dear L,

Thank you for your response to my poem. You understand what I'm trying to convey, and it's very fulfilling to have that need (communication) answered.

I want the jewels in the ground, too.

Take care,
Natalie

[Andrew McGeever]

I really like your poem. It suggests more than it says; a mark of good writing.
Can I make a couple of comments?...
The first line is one iamb and one anapest,and, by introducing the word "on" at the start of line 2, you could keep the same metre, especially since you employ the same structure in line 3. This gives the reader a seductive introduction into the poem. The 4th line, of course, is a necessary break , leading the reader to the second stanza, which follows an iambic course......
You don't need to abbreviate "government", and I was surprised by the reference to Queen Victoria. Was this an intentional closure ? I hope so, (please say yes!) for it opened up the poem for re-reading.
Yours, Andrew McGeever.

[lizzytysh]

Dear Andrew,

Your commentary is the reason I don't write poetry....I know that there are those rules that rightfully apply, yet I don't know them. Some fall upon them by chance, natural ability...yet I don't feel I am one of those. I have felt that I should take a poetry "class" prior to my attempts.

The commentary you've offered Natalie is excellent. Yes, the "on" creates a flow into the poem. Of course, the starkness of Government Street [i.e. the tomb.....my mind's eye sees it as a mausoleum-type structure, cold and hard] seems also to be punctuated by the mere statement of the street's name, as is....the street's itself, symbolic of far more than its name, stands alone by its name for emphasis. I'm not disagreeing with the input you've given, simply offering my own perspective. However, I'm the one who hasn't analyzed the poem as you have ....your input is the kind I would appreciate, i.e. the editing/the cleaning up/the tightening/etc.

I took the Queen Victoria [being the poem's written by a Cohen fan ] as a reference to the characteristics of the woman/historical figure by the same name in Leonard's song, and imagined the same lily-white, untouched skin.

Lizzytysh

[lizzytysh]

Hi Natalie,

I'm not sure who feels more gratified....you for feeling understood, or me for understanding [i.e. "getting it"]. What you have said underscores what I read regarding Leonard saying much the same thing, that it is very gratifying to read where some of those who have written him and discussed/analyzed his work, have truly understood exactly what he meant. He didn't use these same floundering words, of course, but they meant the same thing.

Lizzytysh

[Natalie]

I am so thrilled that both of you are discussing my poem.

I appreciate Andrew's suggestions about metre, and how I can make a greater impact if I choose not to abbreviate "government."

Unlike Leonard Cohen, I rarely revisit a poem to make changes. Once it's written; it's written. It's like that when I write songs, as well. In a song, I will make minor changes to coincide with the music I write to accompany the lyrics, but I will never change the original intention of a line.

But, back to the poem, Queen Victoria is a very important element. I live in Victoria, British Columbia, and the person I am referring to in the poem is part of a colonization of sorts in Victoria. The jewellery store he owns is part of an "empire." There are many other stores he owns that cater to women, largely American and Japanese tourists.

I think you are very eloquent, Lizzie, and you understand what I am saying about the superficiality of an image-challenged person.

Thank you both for your comments; you've made my day.

Cheers,
Natalie

[lizzytysh]

Hi Natalie....

Thank you for your compliments. I sure missed out on "Queen Victoria," but that's okay. Your use of it is obviously packed full with meaning. I would never have gotten your reference and intention with it. Thanks for the explanation.
Yes, I agreed with Andrew regarding abbreviating "gov't" in the title....but forgot to mention it. Doing that seems to serve no real purpose...and the word itself is so laden with connotation, you might as well start right off with people reading into it, as they will your poem. It's how image functions.

I wrote one long poem once and reworked it nearly to death; however, not to change its meaning[s], but to accurately/better express them.

"Image-challenged"....I like that. And, hey, you're welcome! I'm guessing Leonard must feel the same, with people discussing and debating what he did/didn't mean.

Lizzytysh

[Natalie]

L,
You are not image-challenged, at all.

I have a question for you. What was your overall sense of the poem?

I had a few friends over last night who had read the poem, and they reacted to its acidity. They, however, know what and whom I'm referring to.

I'm interested in your response.

Cheers,
Natalie

[George.Wright]

My understanding of your poem is it's about a drug pusher (probally hard drugs manufactured or altered by back street chemist's) and his floosy girlfriend who is a local bicycle, the drug pusher thinks he is above suspicion, standing on a respectable street beside a jewelers. His gems (gains or wealth) are synthetically manufactured gems for poor souls (including himself as he cannot roll up his sleeve), which would resemble a blind man's dart board of needle tracks, and pricks( including himself). The irony of the poem is that he is fooling nobody but himself and is making a profit from others misfortune.
Georges

[lizzytysh]

Hi George and Natalie,

I was willing to take the jewels, literally, with jewelry stores and those involved with them, dealing in jewels.

I [serendipitously] recently happened to meet a jewels dealer [shall we say smuggler, as well, in some senses and at some times] ~ lives in Mexico majority of the time ~ and bought two smaller emeralds at a very reasonable price. I sat while he opened many carefully paper-wrapped jewels of wide variety, size, and quality.....explained them, as well as some of the manipulative/deceptive techniques people selling them will use to cause them to appear of higher quality.

However, this person also used to be a drugs [marijuana] dealer...and had a multitude of photographs of old [now dead] buddies; huge stashes of marijuana; crashed small planes; old passports; etc. He lived in Columbia for 10[?]...maybe 15....can't recall which now, prior to moving to Mexico, and no longer [reportedly, anyway] deals in the drugs. Had much to say regarding the ongoing lifestyle and danger related to jewels dealing.

Is in process of building a resort in Mexico and offered to send his bodyguards to the border to accompany me if I wanted to visit, with suggestions of how to make it a "working vacation" if I chose, i.e. purchasing a confiscated vehicle at the border, which cannot be sold for use in the U.S. due to emissions-control standards. His conversation was very sadly saturated with the details of his aberrant life/lifestyle. He is plagued with and battling liver cancer at the moment and is too young to leave this plane. I get the sense that he thinks I'm impressed by the details of his life....or at least that's what he's hoping for.

However, I find it terribly saddening. I also get the sense that, given his mortality issue, that he is getting a clearer sense of where he is, where he's been, and where he [on other levels] wishes he could be, had he not made the choices he did. He appears to be very lonely....and wanting someone to validate the meaning and value of his life. I just can't do that in regard to how he's earned his money, so focus on the positives I can find in other areas. He states he's raised healthy daughters [one is working in "legitimate" fashion, doing interesting things; the other is in South America, smuggling jewels; the details that he describes of their personal lives, however, appear to reflect a dysfunctionalism that it also appears was borne out of their upbringing]. I try to only listen and remain neutral. I feel that imposing the judgmentalism, that I must admit a part of me feels [you'd need to hear more of the details to get a clearer sense of that] would serve no purpose.

Anything I might say would likely be transparent as to how I feel about the life he's lived, and likewise appear that I'm trying to make him feel "bad" about his life. Were I the Born-Again Christian I once was, I'd be speaking to him in terms of repenting and giving his life to Jesus. However, as it is, and with my no longer subscribing to that, it feels my better option is to simply listen. When we've spoken, I tend to simply change the subject and embrace/promote the conversation that is unrelated. He's able to talk about other things, yet these things have so permeated his existence, that his own conversation returns to them by default. I was going to give him a copy of Ten New Songs, but he doesn't have a tape player here, and doesn't plan to be here [in this area] long enough to bother getting one. I can't afford to provide him that as well. My contact with him has been infrequent and will remain that way.

I considered returning the emeralds I bought [i.e. negative karma/energy attached?]--however, the progression of our meetings had the initial discussion of buying some; followed by our meeting [after he retrieved them from the safe deposit box on Monday]; followed by another meeting [since he's moving to Mexico, he had a chest he was giving me and I'd taken the drawers the first time and returned to get the remainder], wherein the info began to flow, including the health issues [apparent by chemo-variety meds in the house].

There will be no trips to Mexico, at least not in the direction of his resort. Far more intrigue and danger than I'm interested in encountering, much less embracing, in my life....now or at any time in my past, for that matter. However, when I read your poem, my mind immediately went to him, as he struggles to present an image that might shore him up in what appears to be his latter days. I feel a certain compassion for him, yet once away, I find that I have an actual feeling of nauseousness in my stomach and sadness in my heart. Due to what I feel is confidentiality in what he has imparted, I've shared it with no one [a "burden" of sorts, given the heaviness of his information]....until now. I guess you could accuse me of emotionally "hijacking" this opportunity to do so now. I've pretty much painted myself into a corner on that one, and would be forced to fess up. [Thanks for "listening".....so to speak. ]

The sense of your poem seems to me that your friends who are reading it pick up on the acidity, of which they're already aware. It seems to me that you've definitely pinpointed the dynamics of the situation you're describing; your description of the girlfriend appears to be the most acidic portion; and the rest of it seems to be more calling it the way you see it, with some well-made points regarding image and lifestyle choices.

Lizzytysh

[Sally]

I am always glad to listen to your observations on life, love and Leonard Cohen.

[lizzytysh]

Thank you, Sally [if your comment is directed to me...I'm going by your repetition of my word "listen" to make that connection]. The remainder of the afternoon, I questioned my putting all that here [I'm doing infinitely better than I have in the past, I must say..., (ahem) elsewhere in LC Cyberworld in corraling the strictly personal]. Then, Eureka, the rationalization struck me. With this being the personal poetry section, the key word is personal ~ [see what you think of this rationale ] ~ so, while others here write poetry [use of words to express, process, and work through situations/occurrences in their lives], I wrote a vignette. Does that fly? It's the best I can do for the moment.

I enjoy your input as well [even if your comment's not directed at me ].

Lizzytysh

[Sally]

I was addressing you, Lizzytsh,. And sometimes it can be interesting to catch a personal glimpse in a reply. There can be poetry in prose too! And Jarkko said, "this section is for you!" All of us, not just good poets, or bad peots, but for everyone.

[lizzytysh]

I agree with your openness on all that you've said here, Sally. Simple and true. Thanks.

Lizzytysh