The Diary

[Boss]

The Diary

I begin my diary. I have written a few travel diaries; one in Israel/Europe in '92/'93, one thru Alice Springs/Darwin/Perth in '07. I wrote a lot in Carlton and in Brisbane around '11 to '13. This diary, whatever form it takes is dedicated to my siblings - Esta, Mick and Jez who have passed, and to Dave and Ben who still breathe of the same air I do.

It began yesterday. Ben picked me up around twelve. I had my pack, a smaller purple bag Mum got me in '07, some prune juice and my stick (an old stick off a tree I use to walk with). We travelled up the long, long freeway and got to my mate Chappie's house around 1.45pm. He was awake and let us in. Ben took off, he had an appointment with his daughter. Chappie showed me the ropes - I had stayed here before. He is my only remaining friend. Some people say he has schizophrenia, I don't. He is a lonely guy who only ever had one true love. Just like me. Both of us were hospitalised in the same ward but not at the same time. Actually, he was my brother Jez's friend. Like me, he is on the disability support pension, and like me he sees things about people that normal people don't. Yesterday, we went first to Shoppingtown. It was a massive hurdle for me. Having the remnants of agoraphobia, I was a little scared. What I found inside were thousands of people, all worried, all rushing. I really wasn't scared of them. In fact I felt quite sad. I couldn't believe Humanity had come to this. I tried singing aloud a few times - to alleviate the fear - not many seemed to notice. A few kids smiled. Then we went to Aldi to get milk, then Chappie's folks which was around the corner to where I used to live from '77 to '88 - a bit of that with Jackie when I was 19, she 20/21. Near Chappie's parents is a sports field. We walked up. A kid and his dad were playing cricket in the nets. We watched. Both father and son were good players. I told them. We left and went into Richmond to one of Chappie's favourite pubs and had tea. I had fish, he had chicken parmigiana. Nice. Finally we went to Chap's local supermarket. Again a challenge for me. I got my groceries, paid. I was a little nervy, but it was okay. We got home about 7.30 in time for the tennis - Djokovic versus Murray for the Aussie Open title. The Joker won his sixth! Unbelievable. We took our medications and went to bed. Me missing Jackie and I reckon without him knowing, he missing Marcie. That was Day 1. I am staying here till Saturday then it is either a trip to Adelaide and Sydney for 12 days or a quiet rest on my own in a place near Warrandyte in Melbourne for a week or so. I will choose on Thursday or Friday. All of these movements of mine are in preparation for my trip to the USA and Europe then Israel. I take off out of Melbourne on the first day of Autumn - March the 1st. Hopefully, I will write here each day. Let's play it by ear, hey. Boss

[Boss]

Still Feb 1. We went to Warrandyte. Bought a pie, Chap had 2 and a snag roll! The sun he was boasting today in his surrounds of royal blue. We walked down to the river proper. In Melbourne it's known as the Yarra. It was once called the Yarra Yarra - Aboriginal I think. It is brown, always was. They used to call it 'the upside down river'. I used to swim in it - at Bulleen, at Templestowe and at Warrandyte. Here there is nature. Eucalypts and all manner of flora. And there are ducks! Many. We fed them crusts from our pies. They quacked. It was so special. Such a relief from Shoppingtown's artificial din. I love Warrandyte. I lived there in '87, '88 & '89 with my dad and with my Jackie. I received a message, Jack fell pregnant. I turned 21 there. It is green, rural. But close to town. She has an old pub, The Grand. I used to frequent it often. Today was warm, but not uncomfortable. A few people, just nice. I felt little anxiety. At one point, wanted to jump in! We left and came home; chatted, television, cordial. Around 5 we went to Chappie's parents, then checked out the local swimming pool and will go tomorrow as the Celsius will reach 29.

I am a little melancholic tonight. I doubt things. Like can I go interstate then international; if indeed I really want to. I am more hesitant and unsure. I have attempted to get in touch with Jackie, all to no avail. I know inside, deeply, that if she doesn't show, I will not go to LA etc. I wouldn't be strong enough or indeed clear in the head. I'm calling her after 8 tonight, I'll report on the unanswered 'leave a message' result tomorrow. I've been in touch with Mum, she is okay.

Brown duck
Nibble nibble
Blue sky
White sun
Water river
Meat pie
Tall gum

Mobile phone

[Boss]

7:24am February 2nd, 13,700,000,030. Just woke. I rang Bub, Jackie, again last night, just got a machine message. I guess it was worth it just to hear her voice on the recorded message. I said a few words, said I'd try again another day. God I love her. I have exactly four weeks till W-day, World Day. Until I fly overseas. That is not long. In my dream, I'd love to marry my baby and go to Tasmania by boat for our honeymoon, just for 3 or 4 days. Ah, if only wishes came true. 4 weeks, 28 days, not long. If it was okay with her I'd like to get married at Leo Baeck Liberal Synagogue in Kew on a Saturday, a Shabbat. This place was my childhood shule. I'd really like to marry under a chupah, say some Hebrew. Let's just see. You know, if Jack agreed, I'd marry her anywhere. I hope she is okay about now.

Today we're to go swimming. God, I haven't been in water for 15 years! Then, I swam in Port Philip Bay with my bro Ben and his daughter. I did some 'horsies' (kinda stomach bombs) and some head bombs. Chappie and I will endeavour to swim at the local baths. I'll be wearing a tee-shirt, a little conscious of my size. In 2007 I did have 3 or 4 spas in Dave's house in Narre Warren, I spose that's not really swimming. Anyone know the CEO of Greenpeace? I'd like to track him or her down, he or she is probably located in New York City. I already have some names; you know the bosses of Human Rights Watch and Amnesty Int and Oxfam. I still have many people I have to meet. You know, people like David Suzuki and Malala from Pakistan et al. But I think for the next 4 weeks, I will concentrate on me and Jack. That is of paramount importance. I have made a decision. I will stay in Victoria till I leave Nellie Melba Airport on March 1. This gives me optimum chance, exposure and time for Bub and me to reunite and marry before we go abroad. You know, I'd like for Jack and me to meet the Dalai Lama and Pope Francis and of course, I wouldn't mind us meeting Netanyahu. Maybe question him a bit about those Gaza incursions. And also meet Mr Putin, the man of $70 billion US. Reckon Jack would give him a mean dressing down! She'd be good like that, ha! Reckon my brother Mick would have been, too. Tomorrow, I'm going on a retreat for a time. A place near Warrandyte. Kinda like what Leonard Cohen did at Mt Baldy in California in the 90's. Cept he did it for 7 or 8 years, I'll go fo 7 or 8 days. Finally, I'd like to apologise to Adelaide and Sydney. I reckon I'll, or rather 'we', will get there maybe after the Grand Final, you know some time in October after we get back from the Northern Hemisphere. Be good, Boss.

[Boss]

Chappie got his blood test in Bulleen. I waited in the car. I noticed some construction work going on - small scale. I took a look. I was entranced. A small tractor and a bloke with a shovel. I love watching this sort of stuff. Then we got some pastries for lunch and made our way to the Doncaster Baths. I wasn't wearing shoes and the concrete paths/tar roads on the way down were rather warm on my feet. We paid with our concession cards then went in. There were two indoor pools, one out. We stayed in for half an hour. It was terrific being in water. I went under a few times, walked the length of the pool. We went out, water beautiful. Chappie is like a big fish, just loves water. I soaked in the atmosphere, remembering the 70's & 80's - all the time I spent there. At about 3.30 we left, went to Chappie's parents, then to a fish and chip shop, and to the oval to eat. Before getting home Chappie went to Safeway, me to get medication. Now I am home. Tomorrow I go to Warrandyte for my retreat. Chappie has been fantastic. I think he and I are a bit like two big kids. I was more 'grown up', serious when I lived with Jackie. Being so bound up by agoraphobia or whatever, I had few adult responsibilities. I clung to a very simple world. A bit like Peter Sellars in 'Being There'. Thus, I feel unemcumbered by so many things. Maybe I don't so much, it just feels like so many people in the so called 'real world' are so sad, just so miserable. Not every body. But quite a few. I think they need to relax a little. That, or investigate their parents (if they had them) and in particular discover their same sex parent. If they are still alive, all the more better. Discover if they loved you. This is just so categorically important. Till tomorrow, Boss.

[Boss]

Hi. You may have noticed my location. I say it is 'Treblinka'. That was a death camp in Poland, exclusively for murder of any Jew, including week old babies, and including other undesirables like gypsies and homosexuals. Anyone Herr Hitler thought inferior. Just quietly, why do you think Cohen wrote 'Flowers for Hitler'? Why? I am going to Treblinka and Auschwitz, both in Poland. My Papa was from Warsaw. When I go to Yad Vashem I can find so many Morgensztern's and Lewin's murdered by the nazis in Shoah. They are my direct kin, my family. That is one reason I travel.

It is 8:45am on Wednesday the third of Simeon (Feb). Today I step out on my own. I'll be alone. I really hope to G-d Jackie comes to me while I have this space. I reckon I'll have 5 or 6 days in the bush. Then back home for a bit, then I go. This is her window, our window of opportunity to just be at one, to atone, forgive. Just to hold each other. Jackie, if you read this, there is no one else in my life. No one. Don't want anyone, cept you. C'mon, get here. We can do this. I'll ring and message tonight, Bubala. Ad x

[Boss]

I am here. All alone, just as I wanted. The cabin is spot on, perfect. Not modern, just right alongside a waterway. Caravans, cabins - I really always loved this sort of thing. Dad took me, Ben and Jez to a place called Safety Beach in 1979 - we stayed in a caravan. I thought it was tops, grouse. I remember we went to the Dromana Pub for tea everyday, swimming in the bay, the fact my Mum and Dad had just split up. I think I like the compactness of caravans/cabins. Everything in one small place. You're roughing it a bit. Anyway, I love this little cabin, this little retreat. I could so easily just live here forever. Really. It has a double bed and a set of bunks. Can't believe how good this is. To answer to no one, just do my own thing when I want. There is a freedom, but I know I will feel a loneliness. I'll try Bub again after 8. Chances are she won't answer so I'll prepare a detailed SMS so, if she feels like it, maybe she could come on the weekend. I don't know. I'll see. In a minute I'm gonna explore this maze-like caravan park. You should have seen and heard Chappie and me trying to get here. Ha! More later, Boss

[Boss]

Still Wednesday afternoon. I ventured into the maze; it's really pretty straightforward. Got milk and bread, the owners/workers are cool. Same with the other tenants - you know, friendly. I walked out of the office with my groceries when blow me down I saw two galahs on a wooden nest. Right then a wonderful kookaburra dove between them, they took off and she sat there staring at me. Ten metres away. When Jack and I lived in Emerald up in the sticks circa '88, we had kookaburras galore. My lady started feeding one mince. She called him Kooka. Jack loves animals. When we were driving to 25 Auhl Rd, Emerald, often rabbits would shoot out across the dirt roads. She'd call out "Bunnie!" I'd laugh. On my way back today I saw a 'games room'. I had a squiz. They have a pinball machine and some video games. One has Galaga on it. That was my favourite game as a teenager. I put a dollar in and tried my hand. I knew it instinctively, and I bloody well loved every minute of it. I got through quite a few stages. Ah, took me back to 1983. I was pretty handy on the old Space Invaders back then - once scored over 34,000! I'm back inside now. Gonna watch the news and then maybe get under the shower! Chappie was worth more to me than he realised. He broke the ice, he is a good man; like so many of us lost in a world of money and denial. I hope he finds a lady one day, I really do. Later, Boss

[Boss]

10.52pm. SMS'd my love.

There is an infinity. It's not pie in the sky, not just dreamscape. It is fact. Isaiah knew it, read 9. Yeshu'a knew, Muhammed too. And Nostradamus. They saw this day; saw jet aeroplanes and skyscraper and fireworks on the Sydney Harbour Bridge. They knew the peace to come. Leonard Cohen did, too. And this peace is eternal, it does not end. And if a soul is fortunate enough to be, he or she will bathe in it forever. Those visionaries of the past learned to know that this time was not theirs. G-d bless them. And you.

I hope so much Jackie meets me. And soon, baby,
Adam

[Boss]

Jez Paul Morgan

I have Bette Midler on iTunes singing 'Wind Beneath My Wings'. You were always, still are, my hero. More so than Leonard Cohen, more than Yeshu'a, even Gandhi. More than Dad, mate. G-d tested you so. He tore at your body, tore away at your love. And, though you were sometimes so scared, and didn't want to die, you stood resolute. You loved your pets; your Max and Ringo, your Ishka. I tried to care for her after you passed. I probably didn't do such a good job, mate. My mind was so busy; thinking, decoding, worrying. She died in December, 2008. Buddy in July, 2009. Look after them both little brother. Jump hurdles, swim. Your leg is not paralysed now. No twenty seven operations, no chemo or radiation. Say 'hello' and give a big hug to Esta and Dad and Terry up there. Tell 'em I love 'em. I hear Mick is top dog nowadays. Give him a special mark of respect from me, may he run a tight, just ship and let him know I forgave him in 1986 - the year he died, the year 13,700,000,000. I miss you Champ. You and I were very different, but it was you, brother. You who stood by me, who sang 'Hurricane' by Dylan at the Harp with me. You taught me courage, you taught me compassion for the weak and broken. You were and are so much to me, Jez. In me, you never die. Never. Wherever I go in this funny Universe, I take you, your love. May Hawthorn equal Collingwood's record of four premierships on end this year. I know you and Mick and all of Heaven will be watching. I love you mate. You are my hero. As Bette sings, "I would be nothing without you." And she is so right. Adam x

[Boss]

At the footy ground
Warrandyte
I never played here
Did the damage
At Albert Park
Greythorn
Balwyn North
But I came here
Aged 14 or 17 or 21
And watched
Probably with Jackie
On a weekend
Saturday or Sunday
Think they were The Bloods
It's in good nick now
Used to be mud I think
Gum trees surround
Bet they lost a few balls in it
Just been to the river
No ducks today
I had fish
And two dimmies
Some Coke
And cordial
Before that
Went to Dad's old place
And just remembered

And thought of her
Again

[Boss]

Friday the 5th. Sitting in McDonald's East Doncaster. I've caught the 906 to get here. It is cool, air conditioned. It will be warm, 27 degrees. Probly up there now. I had a Filet-o-Fish and small Coke. I am trying to acclimatise, you know be used to people and all the sounds - traffic, Muzak, talking. It is difficult at times for a recovering agoraphobic. Think I'll stay here for a bit. I'm on Doncaster Rd. My brother Dave used to share rent with two other guys at 1050 Doncaster Rd. He was about 20, me 13. They put on some wild parties, I mean mega-wild. Once, Ben (15 months my senior) and I had a joint party there. Late Spring, 1981. It rocked but I didn't enjoy it. I was keen on this chick, Colleen. Had been out with her a couple times. But my primary school mate, Brownie got her. They pashed in the back yard. I was so upset. Guess, these things happen. I gather you may wonder why I suffered, and to some degree still do, agoraphobia. I never did as a kid. I was and still am shy, but I never felt the kind of claustrophobic distress until I got to Israel in 1992 - after Jackie and my last kiss. You may wonder why Israel kicked off this awful pain. Put it this way, the people on my kibbutz confirmed something in me that had lingered since the 27th of August, 1988. They opened up a real possibility, the one Leonard re-confirmed as my final days on Gadot came. In one way or another, I have been so particularly self conscious - it led to a pretty sad life. But it is lifting, gradually. I am becoming free again to partake in Human affairs, to achieve the place G-d wants of me. Have a good day, Boss.

[Boss]

Sitting at Macleay Park. I played Australian football here from '81 (under 13's) to '83 (under 15's). In '82 we got into the Elimination Final. We lost it. My team was called Canterbury/ Nth Balwyn then Balwyn Combined. I won two trophies - in '81 a 2nd to Maurie Rosemeyer and in '83 I won a best and fairest. In '83 I played in the number 6 guernsey. We trained here I think on Wednesday nights. Sometimes we had pie nights. Dad used to come often. In '81 I think we started games at 9am! The old fingers bending back on a wet dewy ball. Ah! I kicked 11 goals here one day.

It is time to move on, mate. I gotta get to LA and NY. I have a big weekend ahead of me. Shabbat shalom, Boss

[Boss]

My expeditionary trip to Melbourne has come to an abrupt halt. After a completely successful day yesterday of five buses and a taxi, of going into and eating at McDonald's, going into Shoppingtown on my own twice and buying some Vaseline for my lips and one Budweiser stubby for Shabbat and after visiting Macleay Park in North Balwyn - the scene of many heroic football deeds by yours truly - I received some devastating news I was hoping against hope for. She is still married. I have attempted to contact her of late. And pretty heavily last night. Her husband called me. He warded me off. He was successful. I don't want to mess in that. It is not my business. If I was him I'd be pissed, too. She really has had ample time; since the 7th of October - four months. She knew my number. She knew my number in 1993 and 1994 when she placed those Intervention Orders on me, when we went to court. She knew my number when we struggled through five years together, when through appalling timing G-d pushed me into an abortion weeks after He spoke to me. She always knew my number. She always knew. But she never called. Now, I have done myself sick begging her, I've fucken had it. I am scared of 'The Future' but she is petrified. I am leaving on March the 1st late morning on a QANTAS flight to Los Angeles. I leave from Nellie Melba Airport (Melbourne). I will have absolutely limited funds. It is not even a shoestring budget - it is threadbare. I may as well be going without a dime. I plan to be in the US for about two months, then London, Auschwitz and Treblinka, then Jerusalem by June the 7th. I want to be back in Aussie by September the 20th to watch the Eureka Grand Final. I will endeavour to find work wherever I go. I am not used to work, I've been crippled by social anxiety. I have hibernated in a box for 20 years, gaining weight but more importantly, gaining wisdom for the road ahead. If you meet me on the road, don't kill me. Rather, hold out your hand. You are my brother or my sister. We are all in this together just waiting for the miracle and what is beyond that glorious day. I love life. And I love you, I am fair dinkum - I'm honest. I will spend the next 23 days in my sleepy little coastal town preparing for what will be the most important trip of my life. Jackie, I know you don't want it, but you have 23 days to get your act together or you forfeit everything.

[Boss]

There once was this bloke they called Milrod
Who tempted the fate of a she god
She knocked him back vicious
Would not be his Mrs
Would not bear a child of his blue blood

He tempted her stubborn old nature
He rang, then he messaged her later
She left him in silence
She thought he was violent
A rascal who tried to negate her

The bloke he discovered a date
He wrote 'I will go to the States
If you do not show
I will leave, I will go
I'm sick of this having to wait'

The woman was left in a quandary
Muddied like washing in laundries
But she suffered no fools
Had a life full of rules
A set of particular boundaries

She thought of the love they once shared
How they held on so close as they cared
She wanted him then
And so loved it when
He kissed her so soft on the head

Thru thinking, debating and prayer
She believed in the man and his dare
She ran out her door
They met just before
Their plane would take off in the air

[Boss]

I was not sure if I'd write in this diary again. I guess you can't keep a writer down. At 10am, in 20 odd minutes, the Super Bowl begins in Melbourne, anyway. I'll keep this short. I will leave these fine shores on the 1st of March as planned. I doubt it very much that she will join me. I still hope, but it is fading like an old 70's sitcom. Maybe Leonard was wrong. Maybe me chasing her for 23 years was all wrong. Maybe I'm just imagining that she is a natural born leader, a Womyn Girls and other Womyn could look up to, someone who could represent and champion all things Female. She has indeed got it. She's tough and funny, and she is compassionate - she hates seeing others, and animals, in pain. She is damned beautiful, a tomboy happy to get her hands dirty and just as happy to dance at official functions. She is versatile, she loves watching any old film on television or at the drive in. She can cook, and she laughs. I love her. I hurt her. Now she is in a cage. Unable to sing. And I wonder if she has enough courage left to break away, to runaway with me. She has 22 days.