empty in a small eden

[abby]

in our small garden
the heart may break completely
the broken heart may gather up
this desert soil
enough to send down tentative roots
that the wind might undo
or a spring snow threaten
the broken heart may be groundless
in its search for God or love or mercy
and this groundlessness
may be the the only way
of coming back to you
the desert strips away
all our best tricks
all the while encouraging
true collaboration
if I make my home with you
I will have to become more resourceful
than I ever thought possible
I will learn to surrender
to the weather
and to the discomfort of religion
I will become very good at praying
and I will learn how to wait
I have tried to leave this place
for years
but it is the center of gravity
for a pilgrim like me
I was never any good
in all those other landscapes
here I am terrible
but the desert is so spacious
it is only here
that I am capable of intimacy

___________________________________________

One of the first poems I wrote began, 'in a small eden...' It was for Leonard, I was 14. I was thinking of inserting a line after the pinon line that reads 'that send me sneezing' but it seemed messy and awkward I think I said enough about needing to do things the hard way.

*Today (3/19) I'm taking out the whole juniper and pinon part, and forgetting the stuff about sneezing, just keeping the space.

[imaginary friend]

A wonderful poem Abby. Thank you.

One summer in the '80s, we drove to New Mexico and back, in a VW van. I am best living closer to the ocean, I don't enjoy feeling landlocked. But New Mex is an unusual place. The sense of vastness and open space there is astounding. The air is so extraordinarily clear – you can easily see all the way to the horizon, and even THAT seems further away than elsewhere. One morning, I was up really early and walked outside. Just as I looked out to the horizon, several hot air balloons rose slowly up into the sky, far, far, far in the distance... tiny, colourful creatures in a slow, elegant dance. I see this image again whenever New Mexico is mentioned.

[Gullivor]

That is a beautiful poem, Abby.

I can relate so much to it even though I have never been to the desert I have lived in one a while back.

[abby]

Thanks, guys : )

I get a pull for the ocean, too; I grew up on the Chesapeake Bay.

I'm reading a book right now called The Solace of Fierce Landscapes: Exploring Desert and Mountain Spirituality by Belden Lane. He writes about a practice he does wherein he lies in a sleeping bag in his backyard between 9 and 10 every night under the sky. He lives in St. Louis and it's his entrance to something along the lines of contemplative prayer when the literal desert isn't accessible. He's cultivating the atmosphere of desert spirituality, unconditioned, I guess. I'm new to these ideas I've been writing about, and I'm new to prayer. The book tackles the practice of apophatic prayer, something that appeals to me very much. God I don't even know how to formulate sentences on the topic.

If you're game I'd listen while you say some more about the desert you lived in. I know I'm asking something very personal.

[ragsandbones]

Abby, happy to oblige. Joshua Tree is where we live. It is the high desert. We're at about 2500 ft above sea level. No plumbing in our cabin, but a short walk to the outdoor shower. Pinons, junipers for sure. But also, creosotes, purple-bloomed beaver-tail cacti, fish-hooks, mallows, brittle bush, joshua trees. No other cabins in sight. From the hot tub we watch the dippers and Cassiopeia rotate around Polaris. Scorpio and Sagittarius rise over the southern horizon this time of year. Chuckwallas, bunnies, finches, ravens. Rattlesnakes, quail. Sometimes in the summer we get an owl on the hill to our north. Tweakers, junkies, junkers, musicians, painters, writers, permaculturists. Here, we try not to buy new material of any kind. We build our buildings/projects from "obtainium" - our euphemism for whatever scrap can be had. When it really gets going, the wind will knock you to your knees. Our water is hauled in and stored in a 2800 gal green poly tank. We don't let the water run when we brush our teeth. We play loud music at night. We dance and recreate at will. Been here since '08. Could never go back to living the other way. We fight big fights against energy companies that want to fill the desert with solar arrays and wind turbines. We sign petitions against building a Super Walmart and Dollar General. We love the desert. It's sacred and a unique place to live and write.

[abby]

Well despite the landscape it doesn't sound like you live in a desert at all

I would love to be the kind of person who can recognize constellations other than the dippers, to name or even notice ala Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. Though I love Annie Dillard and in theory the practice of noticing is oh so spiritual, I'm not proud to say I found that book to be boring. It's not entirely unlike the pull to get up off the cushion in meditation, or to have something, anything, to mitigate direct experience of ole hateful me (was it Jack Kerouac who said that?).

Really, though, I don't mind being the kind of person who doesn't know about the stars, but in the right company I wouldn't mind being taught. If I knew more about where I live I might've been able to come up with better examples than juniper and pinon. I scrapped that line.

Last week my meditation teacher gave us each a rock- the practice was to notice as much about it as we could. How do you notice the characteristics of a rock without words?- that's my question.

[ragsandbones]

"Last week my meditation teacher gave us each a rock- the practice was to notice as much about it as we could. How do you notice the characteristics of a rock without words?- that's my question"

Good Question. I know Ms. Dillard has written a book called[url] "Teaching a Stone to Talk" which is available on Amazon. Maybe one possible answer is in there (and perhaps it's less boring than Pilgrim at Tinker Creek). Let me know what you come up with!

[Violet]

.. it seems the post I put together here was something of a "conversation stopper." [not that I intended that]

.. so

(I removed it)

[Gullivor]

Didn't mean to led anyone on about living in a desert. This is the desert that I lived. This is the desert G_d ransomed me from.


So now the only danger I am in is the same as the jews after G_d ransomed them form slavery. Most of them died wondering in the desert because they forgot what G-d had done for them or they demanded more. Blinding them to the fact that that the promise land was right in front of them.

Daily I must be grateful . Daily I must not forget least i die wondering in the desert.

[imaginary friend]

Wow Gullivor.

That's a hell of a letter. You are so very brave. Courage like yours – against pretty impossible odds – is humbling.

May the force be with you. Always.

xo

Sheila

[abby]

I missed your post, Violet.

Didn't mean to led anyone on about living in a desert.

Your desert is the kind of desert I was hoping to hear about. Thank you, Gullivor, deeply thank you. I'll say it a thousand times- I'm here for the sharing of lived experience (not theory, not small talk).

...the promise land was right in front of them.

Sometimes just surrendering is the answer to my prayer, abandoning all my plans and settling into (not for) ordinariness. I'm told that's where God is.

[Cate]

I was never any good
in all those other landscapes
here I am terrible
but the desert is so spacious

"but the desert is so spacious", I love how forgiving that image is.


Gulliver thank you for sharing your letter/story with us. I wish I had something poignant to say but I don't, I just thank you for allowing me to see something from a different perspective.

[Gullivor]

Thank you Sheila, Abby and Cate.

That's my story. It is mine. I am not ashamed of it. It has made me the person I am today. Confident and caring.

I did a internet search and noticed this form is tied into me and this forum is public. There is a chance my story could be used hurtfully against me and more importantly my family. I'm not to concerned about myself as much as I need to consider and protect my loved ones so I deleted it.

Perhaps it helped someone while it was here.

[abby]

Perhaps it helped someone while it was here.

It did I can understand where you're coming from, and I hope there wasn't any harm caused while it was here.