By Popular Demand- The 9 comp. poems submitted by Critic2.

[Critic2]

Hi Fans,

I can no longer ignore the thousand of emails demanding that I publish the full collection of poems I entered in our recent competition. I hope that they will inspire you all, beginners and seasoned professionals alike. Yes, they may cause tears to flow by the eyeful but hey! it's worth it.

Each work is copyright protected throughout the uncivilised world.

It is my earnest wish that this thread is duly respected and does not become the playground onto which the next 6 baby trolls are released. Let us also pray that hopeless Losers like Avalon stay away from this serious discussion.

Please remember that our little contest brought peace and harmony, fun and love to this Forum, (and also to the wider World. Do any of us miss those Wars that sometimes used to occur, well do we?.) The petulant, sulky, precious mob here disappeared for a while, making a variety of crap excuses ("ooh, I can only write when the Muse comes a'knocking" "I'm far too important to write to order" "anonymity scares me") and new intimate relationships were begun amongst the healthy members who participated(as Martineee- "shaken *and* stirred" once said to me, "what a healthy member you are").

Anyway, I must depart now as my Butler has arrived with an important looking cheque

Love and Kisses

yours in poetry

Critic2

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Poem in the style of Critic2

Room For a Nobody

Ten blocks from safety
the dirt on the sign is hiding no stars
Heartbreak Hotel
no holds, no Bars.

Left in a wounded alley
and left alone by all except
the hardest working girls
the nearest highway decided to turn right
right out of town
and right out of fear.

Only fools and Johns come here
“$20 a room
plus 5 for each trick”
the desk clerk objects to your intrusion
and in collusion with a dangerous doorman
sniggers at the Little Dicks
desperate enough to arrive at Heartbreak.


She leaves sniggering and slams the door
leaves you wondering how life ever got this poor
and you resolve to turn over a clean sheet,
this one is bloody anyway,
and Marlon Brando on the cracked 16inch black and white
says “the Horror, the Horror”.

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Poem in the style of Paula Hansen

Remember We Are All His Children

Come live in G-d’s Hotel
No. 1 Heaven’s Road
Welcome to the Poor and Needy
Where the Wine is wet
and the Bread is seedy


_________________________________

Poem in no particular style

POEM #20

Winging It

sat down with my lover
who has a monopoly of my affection
we played for hours
acquiring toy wealth
and as the hours passed
with the game poised
between jail and riches
our budgie got impatient
for his dinner
and in an act of bird-brained revenge
spilt the contents of his cage
all over the board
leaving me
with a seedy hotel

________________________________

Poem in the style of Critic2


Vivavinyl For Our Time

Big Johnny, King of Vinyl
From the right side of the tracks
Took a revolutionary approach to music
“If it don’t go round
It don’t got no sound”

Big Johnny, King of Vinyl
used to say
“Cassettes are for squares”
and then he’d laugh at his nearly-joke
and ash would drop to the floor in respect

“The best of everything”
he boasted to his true love,
rented nightly to affirm his infidelity vows,
and Peggy-Sue said “yes, Big Johnny”
as she put his Little Richard on the deck

The Plaza, The Hilton, 5 Star life
He gave tips generously to Bell-Boys,
“always change the stylus every 6 months”
“Yes, Sir, Mr Big Johnny”
and Peggy-Sue sighed with pride by his side

December nights were warmed in his suite
by bee-bop 45s turning
and giant speakers stood in the corner,
Not because they were naughty
but because they were so damn good
Big Johnny’s heart was burning

Peggy-Sue refused a contact
denied they had a contract
defied him to sue Peggy-Sue
no Court would find for Johnny
she had the scars of his vinyl obsession
500 albums in his possession

“music comes from 33’s
and modern shit is first degree
murder of real sound”
and to emphasise his argument
sent Peggy-Sue on Heaven trail
a centre-hole his Holy Grail
but bad idea for this frail female

And now she’s more dead than frail
Big Johnny charged, no-bail
Jury took only as long as a double Presley
to nail his wooden heart
Judge searched for the right punishment
And sentenced Johnny, King of Vinyl
To Life in a CD Hotel

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Poem in the allpoetry website/Hallmark style


Magnus Opus

I have lost my soul
the whole of my soul
in this hole
of an hotel
it’s hell
although it has a lovely bell
where is the Love?
ooh, I’ve dropped my glove
I must make a start
to repairing my heart
I can walk
and I can talk
I hope I never stalk!!!
I’m feeling down today
won’t you come and play
hey hey hey
Boo Hoo Mr Doo
I'm colored blue
I love you

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Poem in the sentimental style of Mickey_One

"Untitled"

Lie with me in this seedy hotel
let the world pass by the broken windows.

Here’s the test of our love
no silk sheets
no room service
no comforts to turn your eyes away from mine
as I search for certainty.

Will we always have reservations
in this seedy hotel ?

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Poem in the style of The Man!


POEM #21

Seed of Life

In later years
I have stayed
in the seediest hotels
where ladies have clung to me
out of respect
for my age
and loved me
without disclosing
who they really think I am.

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Poem in the style of bribery of the Judge

REJECTED POEM

took Laurie on a date
not trying to influence you
vintage wine, caviar, oysters
not trying to influence you
Royal Box at the theatre
not trying to influence you
introduced you to a hypnotist
trying to influence you
when I snap my fingers
you will agree
this is not a seedy hotel, Laurie
try and relax
that plaster looks really fine in your hair
you have always had lovely hair
(trying to influence you)
Laurie, Laurie
I’m sorry, sorry
lights are normally secured to the ceiling
hey, come back
don’t judge me so harshly


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Poem in the style of someone's Poll to exclude Critic2

LET'S EXCOMMUNICATE HIS SORRY ASS BY IGNORING THE MOTHERFUCKER!
let’s burn down his hotel
let’s steal his children
and have sex with his dogs
let’s talk like a maniac who has lost all self-control
and all self-worth


Let’s alter the menu
this hotel don’t have a restaurant anyway
I’m going slowly mad
or faster
faster
I don’t feel well, Mum


Has Leonard Cohen stayed here?
is this where he had sex with Kris Kristofferson?
I’m feeling used
confused
abused
tired
so tired


This seedy hotel has a mirror
you can reserve it
for a small fee
but I’ve tried it
and it’s broken
only an idiot looks back at me

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[lizzytysh]

Poem in the style of The Man!

POEM #21

Seed of Life

In later years
I have stayed
in the seediest hotels
where ladies have clung to me
out of respect
for my age
and loved me
without disclosing
who they really think I am.

Truly touched my heart, this one. Still passed it on to Laurie ~ absent comment, of any nature.

I'm amazed, Critic2. Excellent!

Now, having seen all these, I think that disqualifying yourself is the only decent thing to do .

~ Lizzy

[Avalon]

C2 or Mikey is such an arsehole!!
Adieu.

[Critic2]

As an Act of Mercy I have not yet plonked you, Avalon. But be careful, you are hovering on the edge of a bin which contains the Hallmark woman, the Rigsby character who has totally flopped with his good idea of pretending to be a Group Psychoanalyst, and a couple of the Baby Trolls who crept here recently.

I can't really explain why I have been so kind to you thus far. Maybe it's something to do with your massive sense of insecurity and your rage. They make me, well...laugh. And so, in that curious way, you come by accident to serve the very important purpose of entertaining me. Other than that one quality, you are, of course, totally useless.

Love and Kisses

Critic2

[Young dr. Freud]

Notes on the Patient C2

Patient is revealing growing insecurity about his talents as a writer. More and more bandwidth must be devoted to puffing his own poetry. Would move him to group therapy but he would immediately try to monopolize the session--boring everyone out of what little remains of their minds. Cannot take that risk.

YdF

[Teratogen]

it is quite amazing, c2, how harsh you are in your criticism of others, when i see nothing different from your poetry. styles, word choice, rhyme scheme (if it exists), subject matter... nothing much different.

[Critic2]

that's fine T. Call it as you see it.

I also look back at my entries for the Seedy Hotel comp. and see a dull uniformity of subject matter. They all seem to be about...

[Young dr. Freud]

A Breakthrough!

[Avalon]

More intrested in the hugs and the kisses, the rage can come later, C2 or Mikey. Don't wear your white wig when you are doing this, I might think that you are a woman. If you are dispelling the Trolls etc, you must be the legal Trollmaster, among your other(dubious) talents(of which poetry is not one of them).
I suggest you lie on top of Martine again. Some of her poetic talent may rub off on you.
Adieu.

[Critic2]

Hello, totally useless Avalon.

Have a great day

love and kisses

critic2.

[Martine]

deleted.

[Young dr. Freud]

Notes on the Patient C2

Unhappy development. When questioned about Martine, Patient breaks down, sobs, and confesses that Martine is one of his more annoying personalities. Treatment is going to take much longer than previously thought.


YdF

[Martine]

deleted.

[Critic2]

I am sure that was a wise decision, Martine, but having myself already plonked 4 of the ninnys I didn't see the post that encouraged you!

as you describe the message as particularly dull, I guess it was the Rigsby guy. I still haven't plonked Avalon as she serves the purpose of making the rest of us look brilliant.

[Young dr. Freud]

Notes on the Patient C2/Martine

Patient in a frenzy. Regrets having revealed too much-- but cannot resist answering his/her own posts. Worst case of MPD yet.


YdF