My other contest entry.

[Partisan]

Mr Bleaney.

'This was Mr Bleaney's room. He stayed
The whole time he was at the Bodies, till
They moved him.' Flowered curtains, thin and frayed,
Fall to within five inches of the sill,

Whose window shows a strip of building land,
Tussocky, littered. 'Mr Bleaney took
My bit of garden properly in hand.'
Bed, upright chair, sixty-watt bulb, no hook

Behind the door, no room for books or bags -
'I'll take it.' So it happens that I lie
Where Mr Bleaney lay, and stub my fags
On the same saucer-souvenir, and try

Stuffing my ears with cotton-wool, to drown
The jabbering set he egged her on to buy.
I know his habits - what time he came down,
His preference for sauce to gravy, why

He kept on plugging at the four aways -
Likewise their yearly frame: the Frinton folk
Who put him up for summer holidays,
And Christmas at his sister's house in Stoke.

But if he stood and watched the frigid wind
Tousling the clouds, lay on the fusty bed
Telling himself that this was home, and grinned,
And shivered, without shaking off the dread

That how we live measures our own nature,
And at his age having no more to show
Than one hired box should make him pretty sure
He warranted no better, I don't know.




Only constructive criticism please.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Partisan ~

I never saw Mr. Bleaney come to my PM box. I guess it's the one you never sent. I'd be interested to know which one you did send.

Of course, at this juncture, you hold rather high expectations that "Only constructive criticism" be given regarding your poem . Be that as it may, I hope that's what you'll get. I know the 'leap of faith' [that Laurie has also past referred to] it takes to post a poem you've written.

The one thing I'll note is that I like the way the last word of almost each verse links to the first word of the next. As I read, I read each verse 'straight,' and then immediately backed up to read, for enjoyment, the way they linked together. Critic2 will, no doubt, come forth with a constructive critique.

I like these lines:

"Telling himself that this was home, and grinned,
And shivered, without shaking off the dread"

. . . and how you ended your poem non-'judgementally' ~ Mr. Bleaney already had that element covered well enough himself .

~ Lizzy

[Martine]

deleted.

[lizzytysh]

Whoops. There goes that Edited line again. So, I'll add this in another posting. I also like the way we have the 'big picture' within the first, three lines, ending with "They moved him." Then, the details of his 'life' begin filling in. Also, I like the image that the flowered curtains "Fall to within five inches" gives of the room's haphazardness.

You'll now have to wait for a valid 'critique,' with its attendant "constructive criticism" !

[LaurieAK]

I love formulaic poetry. Keeping an absolute beat is NOT easy. This sticks without err to 10, 10, 10...A sonnet form?

Excellent bit of work. Great read.

regards,
Laurie

[lizzytysh]

There ya go! Ask and ye shall receive [from some ].

[Byron]

Philip Larkin was born in 1922. Oxford educated. University of Hull Librarian until his death in 1985. The best loved poet of his generation. Received the Queen's Gold Medal for Poetry, and the W.H.Smith Award. NUFF SAID !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Byron]

Mr Bleaney.



Only constructive criticism please.

Partisan.............piss off. It wasn't Larkin's parents who fucked you up, but your own perhaps.

Have a nice day.


Oh, and Albert says, "I fart in your general direction, you ingleesh pig dog."

[Martine]

Byron,
I agree with your post except for this bit:

Have a nice day.

[Byron]

Interested?



http://www.philiplarkin.com/biog.htm

[Byron]

Byron,
I agree with your post except for this bit:

Have a nice day.

An afterthought dear lady, an insignificant and meaningless afterthought. But one of my own..

[Martine]

[lizzytysh]

So, Partisan wished for constructive criticism only on Philip Larkin's poem?

My,my .

[Partisan]

Partisan.............piss off. It wasn't Larkin's parents who fucked you up, but your own perhaps.

What exactly merits such a charming statement Byron? Are you really the nastiest piece of work on the Forum, or are you just pretending? Please do quote an example of me being so offensive to you (or anyone else for that matter) if you feel that will jusitfy such peurile behaviour. Are you annoyed that i have brought Philip Larkin to the attention of some people on this board who may not be aware of him? Are you annoyed because you think i passed this off as my own work? You would need to be retarded to think that as my other 'contest entry' was a little piece entitled 'Chlesea Hotel #2'. Sadly that was disqualified. (BTW use of multiple explanation marks is the sign of a diseased mind, unless you are a teenage girl. If you are a teenage girl please send me photos.)
Happy hunting.

p.

[Byron]

p. Andrew McGeever posted the 'parents' poem last month for all to read. You didn't bring it to the notice of the forum. It was already in the forum.

This being a free country, I'm entitled to my own responses.

If you want to bring poetry from other poets to the forum, I have absolutely no problem with that being done.

Omitting the name of the man or woman who laboured to create and produce the poems, was possibly a human error on your part?

If it wasn't a human error, I have to wonder why you decided to omit Larkin's name.