Pt. 1 of 3 HONORABLE ENTRANTS to The Contest...

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 1:30 am

Okay, i am not purposely dragging this out.

I explained earlier today how i categorized the poems in the contest.

Briefly there is:

Grand
First
Second
Third &
Honorable Entrants

There are a total of 12 poems in the Honorable... category. Therefore, and herewith i am posting the first group of 4 Honorable Entrant poems and adding my brief comments at the end of the four poems. There will be 2 more groups of 4 (3 x 4 = 12) posted on their own threads. I am trying to avoid creating Many new threads, while leaving enough space to prevent too much confusion. Maybe it'll work, maybe not.

This said, i will post this on its own. Then post the first group of Honorable Entrants for your viewing. The next two (Honorable) groups will not contain any more explanation.

regards,
Laurie

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 1:31 am

POEM #5

Shall I forget you so soon?
No, never for a moment.
We spoke no words
That summer day
On the river.

Shall I remember you now?
Yes, and for always.
We listened to silence
That autumn night
In the forrest.

I lie, of course.
In this seedy hotel
of my own choosing.

POEM #6

Broken Windows

broken windows
Wall paper in shreds

broken pipes
Tile in pieces

broken hearts
Littered glass

crying hotel

POEM #7

I Am A Hotel

I knocked on the door of the old hotel
Would anyone answer my call?
Was there anyone there at all?
The only answer rang like a bell.

Out rang the old story of love and woe,
Of wine, women, and song
I could not reply except to say No!
Not for me those comforts could throng.

Softly I walked away forlorn
The answer was not what I thought
It would be -- so cruel, joyless fraught
"These will not be seen again."

POEM #10

"On Your Way, Poet"

Any seedy rooms

to evade Poetry Police?

Take a haiku, bud!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Comments:

Poem #5: This poem has a lovely, quiet atmosphere. I was struck by the possibility of a double entendre
with the word LIE in the final stanza. A downfall was the vagueness of the portrait.

Poem #6: Haiku starkness. Reminds me of those Japanese paintings with only a few bold lines. I would have liked to see more original vignettes.

Poem #7: Nostalgic with a slice of regret. A bit heavy in the cliché department.

Poem #10: HaHahaha

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 9:48 pm

No. 5 This clunker is mine.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 10:35 pm

It is NOT a clunker, Charles......it creates a 'dichotomy'[?] as to whether this was memory or all his imagination/fantasy....with the "lie"/the "lie".

I wish you'd given me a moment to respond, regarding revelation. I know that Laurie wants us to wait awhile. I sure don't mind waiting awhile

! So, maybe Monday? On Saturday, I'll be doing many tasks. On Sunday, I'll be enjoying the company of my former husband, and my friend, who's wanted to meet him for 15 years, and whom I'm taking with me.

Your poem is NOT a clunker, Charles.

~ Lizzy

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 11:47 pm

Shall I forget you so soon?
No, never for a moment.
We spoke no words
That summer day
On the river.

Shall I remember you now?
Yes, and for always.
We listened to silence
That autumn night
In the forrest.

I lie, of course.
In this seedy hotel
of my own choosing.

I don't quite get the last line, Charles. Sounds ok but not really "earned" by the preceeding verses.

If this was your first, or a rare attempt, at poetry, well done! You are approaching writing with a good attitude and so you will certainly improve.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 11:53 pm

Now, that's the kind of feedback and constructive criticism I like to read!

Helven · Post by **Helven** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 11:58 pm

CHARLES!!!!! Your poem is definitely NOT a clunker!!! It's one of my favourite poems in this contest! I love it so much and I'll "put up a fight"

if you insist on its "clunker-ness"!

I understand, of course, that my opinion means not so much, but I really love it; it's one of the poems which did touch me... and it'd be such a pity if you didn't write and didn't share it...

Yours,
TH.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 12:02 am

SEE, Charles!?!

Nothing more need be said; but more needs to be written

!

~ Lizzy

Charles · Post by **Charles** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:44 pm

Thanks all.

This poetry writing was a surprisingly fun thing to attempt. But I wouldn't want to make my living at it. I'd starve.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 3:28 pm

Hi Charles ~ Yes, I knew that's how you felt from what you'd written here before, and then when you submitted your poem. It's how I felt, too. It was surprizingly fun, and the anonymity helped in that.

When I read your poem, I see a couple standing in the mist. It has that soft kind of feel of a memory, or a longing for a scene that will one day bring a memory; and is brought great contrast with your final verse. All that softness crashes to a close with it, and I was left to wonder about the "lie." I'm not saying that as a negative, however; just as a comment as to what your poem accomplished and how its movement went.

~ Lizzy

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 4:11 pm

the anonymity was essential.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 8:23 pm

~ Love your signature, C2.

Yes, "essential" would have been a better word choice. No, essential is an essential word choice, especially for me. It took me well into the weekend to even consider, much less decide.

IAMAHOTEL · Post by **IAMAHOTEL** » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:20 am

My poem is I Am A Hotel Thank you Laurie for the Honorable Mention.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Thu Nov 04, 2004 3:00 am

thanks for your kind words elsewhere on the Board, Mr Ima Hotel, you even commented on a deleted message (which had been asking where a post was which I later found)- now *that* is devotion (to something or other).

as a thank you for your measured observations I have made your poem all better for you

VERY GOOD POEM

I knocked on the door of the old hotel
Would anyone answer my call?
Was there anyone there at all?
The only answer rang like a bell.

Out rang the old story of love and woe,
Of wine, women, and song
I could not reply except to say No!
Not for me those comforts could throng.

Softly I walked away forlorn
The answer was not what I thought
It would be -- so cruel, joyless fraught
"These will not be seen again."

VERY GOOD POEM WITH THE ADDED INGREDIENT OF MY LOVE FOR YOU

I knocked up the daughter of the old hotelier
Would anyone answer “that’s cool”?
Was there anything there like my tool?
The only answer hung like my ball

Out on the top storey
With a whine, a woman in a sarong
I could not reply except to say No!
Not for me the comfort of a thong

Softly I walked away on the lawn
The answer was not who I fought
A wooden bee, so flightless and fraught
My knees will not be stung again

Important Editor's Note- the attractive expression " I knocked up" is the Shakespearian equivalent of "I impregnated the bint".

this post has been edited 476 times.

IAMAHOTEL · Post by **IAMAHOTEL** » Thu Nov 04, 2004 7:17 am

You see Laurie? It did not take Critic2 very long to return to form.