The Heart Not Well

[J Hillenburg]

The heart not well

on a garland of morning

is beating for you.

There is a story it has to tell

of a creature shapeless and forming

through curtains of regret covered with dew.

In a station of trains coming and going

time and memory merged and divided

into something alien, foreign, far from new.

I looked to the mountains where it was snowing

and knew my love had not subsided,

because the heart not well was still beating for you.

[lizzytysh]

Hi J ~

It's good to hear from you here with your poem. Your final line ~ again ~ has elements of melancholia and sorrow that resonate.
I also like the way you've drawn similarities between the memory and how train tracks criss and cross. With trains being natural figures of sentimentality to begin with, your poem uses them very well to show your longing.

~ Lizzy

[LaurieAK]

Hi JHillenburg-

I like the premise of your poem.

Somethings about it made me try too hard to connect with it.

Like line 2:

on a garland of morning

I kept coming back to that think it should be MoUrning, instead. I still am not sure what you intended by the a.m. in context of the poem. But do see a nexus if it is a 'mourning' event.

I cannot tell if you are literally on a train or just using it as a metaphor. The mention of viewing mountains makes me think of one who is at least outside and very well could be on a train. But to me it's not clear.

And Alien and Foreign seem to be too close in descriptive purposes to both be necessary to get your point across.

Okay, that is it. I hope this doesn't come across as gratuitously critical. I am trying to help.

regards,
Laurie