poem

[Alsiony]

(Withdrawn for competition)

[mat james]

Alsiony,
You're onto something. It takes us to that place most of us love to go to.

You have the start. The framework/spine in your poem. And you could tighten it up to improve it also.
Remove all the "to" "and" and "the" type words and any other useless occupier of space that you can. Be brutal in this exclusion.
See what you are left with....and start again from there.
Don't leave the reader "out there somewhere". Bring them into the poem by changing a few words/phrases here and there.
Perhaps make them the object of your desire? "He" could become "You" if you want to personalise it.

Just my opinion

Regards, Mat

[Alsiony]

Thanks Mat
You have said some very helpful things. I know it's really rough around the edges still, I've managed to get it down to this from a short story that I wrote. KInda hit a block, one of those annoying and frustrating ones that sometimes pop out of nowhere haha - and though the advice you have given is simple you wouldn't believe how helpful it is! Suddenly I don't feel blocked anymore - I am just gonna get on with it - yay!

Cheers for that

A
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[Cate]

Hello Alisony,

I wasn't sure he became you or if you was an observer of the woman and he.
For me the poem starts to pull me in at the second stanza. I like that I (a somewhat self centered reader) have been included as well as your tactile descriptions for example - Responsive kisses - reactive skin (great line).

I enjoyed your poem Alisony,
thank you for sharing it,

Cate

[Alsiony]

I agree- the perspective is all over the place. I think I am going to go down the road of 'You and I' with it (as well as a few other changes that have come to mind). Presenting it that way would fit in better with the subject matter I think.

Thanks Cate

A
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[Alsiony]

.

[GinaDCG]

Thanks Alsiony,

I'm watching waaay too many This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators and Cealis commercials. They work so hard to sell their product in a clinical, TV friendly way, that the effect is to trivialize intimacy. I hate them. Another argument for TiVO!

Thanks for another voice on the side of the sacred and the divine in sex.

[GinaDCG]

Oh my. I wonder if my previous post is going to survive? I get a message telling me my post is classified as "Spam" because I refer to your poem as the perfect antitode to those horrible (name redacted to avoid spam accusations) drug commercials - you know, the ones with the bath tubs?

Anway, your poem is a geat antitiode to the aboves, and a reaffirmation of the sacred and the divine.

[Alsiony]

I didn't know what you were on about so I googled. I have never seen this before - NASTY stuff! hehe

Thanks for your comments Gina. I personally believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being and feeling, fully and honestly human, in any topic, including that of intimacy.

Whether I am any good at poetry or not - 'tis a shame about the representation I have just witnessed

A
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[GinaDCG]

So you aren't inundated with commercials for Iagra-Vay? They're on every hour on every channel here in the US. That and Alis-Ciay. Now its true I don't have small kids in the house anymore so I can't attest that they're on during cartoon shows, but I wouldn't be that surprised if they were.

Oh! And do you have the Atural-Nay Ale-may Hancement-enaye ads? A product called Zyte-Enzay. Google that for a bunch of really, really bizzare commercials. They're all so sordid and cheap. I'm not a prude, but this is so American -- an attempt to commercialize EVERYTHING and take the magic and the soul out of everything so it can be bought and sold, Advertising and glorifying out and out prostitution would not be as sordid, IMO.

[GinaDCG]

My, did I get off topic.

Maybe you could write a companion parady piece about how I (a woman of course) feel about those commercials! - shame there isn't a smiley poking a finger down it's throat in a gag reflex.

[Alsiony]

Your cool Gina -
What you have just said perfectly mirrors some of the reasons for me wanting to write some poems about the different aspects of womanhood etc...
I think about our 'place' as human beings a lot anyhows. The kind of lives we lead in this day and age - 'what is really worth what?' - including 'what the bloody hell is really going on here!?' But I have found myself concentrating more on my own gender lately.

I really began to think a lot about what 'it is to be a woman' in this day and age. (I am no kind of feminist by the way.) Well, I guess one way or another it has kind of occured to me all throughout my life (what with being female and all!), but in the last year or so - much more than ever before really. (Having a daughter more than likely has something to do with it I am sure).

All my life I have never sat comfy with most of the images and ideas of what 'womanhood' seems to mean these days. It has never rang true in some respects. Some things ofcourse, only start to begin to register as you grow up though. I wanted to express what I think it is all about - in real reality, as opposed to what has been and still is pushed in my face. Some of it is too too soul-less, too shallow, there is so much fakery. A real and much more honestly beautiful picture is being missed out on sometimes. It's a terrible shame!

I have a pretty good idea of who I am - and a good idea of my own version of womanhood as it feels to me.

I guess in this poem I am expressing one aspect of how intimacy can feel from a woman's point of view

Unfortunately I do not have the privilege of having to see the ads etc that you are referring to Seriously though- it all seems a bit too tragic It is enough with the commercials etc that I get to see over here to be truthful!!

A
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[GinaDCG]

Well, you've touched a nerve with me -- but it may be connecting to a whole different set of ganglia (I'm not sure this metaphor is working!)

I was a promising and (no ego here -- just the truth) English student but I barely made it through Vanderbilt U because I was always sick. I did not have an easily diagnosed illness which would have absolved me of the taint of "psychosomnia" -- I was just sick. And fuzzy headed. And becoming more so with each passing month. I had trouble meeting deadlines. I found myself having to read paragraphs over and over because I couldn't understand what I was reading. I knew I used to be smart. I was horrified to feel myself becoming stupified! Who gave me the "dumb" pills?

Finally the diagnoses began -- leukemia -- no wait, make that mono! - no wait, make that chronic fatigue syndrome - no wait, make that essential thrombocytosis -- no wait -- oh hell! We don't know what you have, but we know you're sick with something.

So, I didn't even think of grad school, but returned "home" to West Virginia where I ended up finally getting the attention of that geeky tall chess playing mathematician I had flirted with in high school (he has no memory of my flirts, so I was being waaaay too subtle!) WE married, and there were little job opportunities commensurate with the pay a college degree should command for "just" an English major. Then I got pregnant. And pregnant again. My health improved with marriage and with motherhood, but I ended up just "staying home" with the kids. Our household looked like the traditional 1950s household -- Donald brought home the bacon, and I cooked it up and served it to him and the kids. And ran the girl scout troops. And Sunday school classes. And helped with swim team. And soccer team. And children's theater. And the children's chorus. And school trips. And summer camps. And cookies and cupcakes for classmate birthday parties. And I found that so many moms were now "working moms" (which implied that as I spent another sleepless night at a girl scout zoo sleepover I was NOT "working" because there was no paycheck involved) that there was this derth of community child care activities support staff. I helped fill the gap.

Which put me on the front lines of the Mommy Wars. I was told I must be "against" women's liberation and working moms - obviously -- since I was a "stay at home" mom. I was also, for similar reasons, told I was a fundamentalist, evangelical Christian, a Republican and a WVU football supporter (my husband went to WVU. I did not. ) So, there was a few years of trying very hard to establish to people around me (as well as to myself) who I actually was.

And then I finally got my REAL diagnoses! I have "sticky blood syndrome" aka "Hughes Syndrome" aka "Antiphospholipid Syndrome" etc. AND I have Celiac -- I'm allergic to a protein (gluten) found in wheat. Now on a gluten free diet for 5 + years the fuzzy thinking has gone, I can read and reason again. One child is through college, the other nearly so. I"m healthy enough to do all the hiking I want. And I still have no job. Hell! I'm having too much fun right now to spoil it all with a "job!"

And I've learned to laugh at people who try to categorize me as "this" or "that" Mom with "this or that" agenda. And I've learned to pity people who do not know how to identify and reject typecasting themselves.

But, apologies for taking up your time with my narcissistic mini-bio, but my position in life means I am particularly interested in the work you describe. Best of luck with your muse(s)!

[Alsiony]

Thanks Gina

Ya know when I started having babies (approx 9 years ago now) I pretty much threw myself completely into it. I was fortunate that we could afford to survive ok'ish financially with me giving up work completely - and so it was a deliberate choice on my part to stay at home.
Some people have to seriously get back to earning money when in an ideal situation they would rather choose to raise their children full time. I was surprised at the time though at some womens desperation to get back to their career, almost as if they were frightened by a belief that becoming a Mum was somehow costing them their identity. There was one woman who I remember talking with a lot in hospital who had it all figured out with returning back to work, her husband was also earning, but it seemed mad because she would stand to clear, after childcare costs were paid, about #100 a month, and get to miss out on her baby at the same time. It is all about personal choice of course. I am not saying I am better than anyone else here, this is just my own point of view. I am just glad of the course it took on it all.
I have always felt strongly that raising my 3 kids is one of the most important jobs - life's works, that I will ever do and I wanted to commit myself to it completely from the start.If anyone saw me as achieving something 'less' in doing that - well they can just sod off really! Like I said I was lucky to still be able to make ends meet, I am grateful to the stars for it. With a few people I had to say- it's ok you can still come round, I have had a baby, but I am not dead ya know haha. Some people were surprised at my decision, as if dropping out of my career would mean that my own life was suddenly over or something. When really the two things aren't at all seperate. There is a bigger picture to life, and part of it for me is to know that the passages of being a woman go hand in hand in with what is real and what really matters. Again this is all just how I see it.

There is just as much soul and achievement in making fairy cakes with a toddler as there is any other kind of seemingly bigger worthwhile thing

My youngest is 3 now. My husband is self-employed and I run the business for him. I am going back to study again early next year too. I can only plan some of that to a certain degree, mostly it will require just getting stuck in and getting on with it. So with everything going on - life has it's chaotic moments to say the least! But mostly in a good rough and tumble kinda way Don't get me wrong, I have times where I think I am going to completely crack up to be honest,sometimes I wish I could run to the hills and live in a cave! But fundamentally speaking I think I got to a point some years ago where I began to realise that one of the best things about being a woman is that there is a wonderful harmony to be achieved between nurturing, being determined and being strong, all you sometimes have to do is allow yourself to see it within, which of course is sometimes easier said then done. Having severe post natal depression with my middle child really brought that home to me (good things often grow out of bad).
I didn't give anything up, I didn't stop being 'me' when I starting having a family, my life simply got a heck of a lot bigger!
I don't feel like I have to categorise myself either. Life is not about sticking yourself inside a box - for goodness-sake! NOOOO!!

So, you will have to excuse me for ranting on!

I appreciate the good luck you have wished me, thankyou - to be honest I am sure that I just get by on insane amounts of it at times
- But Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone

A
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[kwills]

To get back to your poem Alisony I really like it especially this part:-

Look at me -
See how you create me -
I feel inspired.
Sensual and alive.
The more you want me
The more beautiful I become
To you -
To myself.

It's a beautiful poem there's nothing like that charge of sexual chemistry is there?


The charged air
To no longer be denied
When eyes meet this way


Should,To no longer be denied, be Can no longer be denied?