Villains

[Teratogen]

Villains

In a perfect world there is blue in the sky
The heroes will win and the villains will die
In a perfect world God is alive
The villains will struggle and heroes will thrive
In a perfect world
Happiness awakens in the birth of every heart
And the will to live on can’t be torn apart
The fears we hold onto we find the strength to set free
In a perfect world you would love me

Between the scars on our bodies
And the holes in the air
Between the wounds of discomfort
And the graves unaware
Between the loss of hope
And lack of reason to care
We somehow keep living
Though life isn’t fair

In a perfect world everyone has a friend
Whom the villains despise and the heroes defend
In a perfect world love is peaceful and pure
Which the villains hold hostage and heroes secure
In a perfect world
No one would speak hatred or raise a fist
Sorrow and loneliness would not exist
Beauty would encompass the earth and the sea
And in a perfect world you would love me

Between the coils of defeat
And the outstretched hand
Between the shadows of innocence
And the guilty demand
Between the frozen beliefs
And the flames that are fanned
We somehow keep living
Though we don’t understand

When love is in danger of being exposed
And the heroes are so hard to find
The door to your heart will always remain closed
And I’ll remain the villain to your peace of mind

In a perfect world the truth is so clear
When villains make threats the heroes appear
In a perfect world we’d be safe where we slept
Villains would apologize and heroes accept
In a perfect world
We’d have faith in each other and never have doubt
We’d have everything we need and never be without
We’d know we’d want to be in each other’s company
In a perfect world you would love me

Between the solitude of risk
And uncertain reward
Between the tears of tired trust
And the point of faith restored
Between the wealth of damage
And what love can’t afford
We somehow keep living
Though our dreams go ignored

And between resentment and the rain
Between desertion and disdain
Between the pride and the pain
I will always remain
Between the needle and the vein
Between the verse and refrain
Between the mountain and the plane
I will always remain

When love is in danger of being exposed
And the heroes are so hard to find
The door to your heart will always remain closed
And I’ll remain the villain to your peace of mind

Between the heroes and villains I’d know what to be
And in a perfect world you would love me
In a perfect world

[Alsiony]

I very much enjoyed reading this. I like what it says to me and where it takes my mind.

For all things, I feel there is a process, a road, a journey- call it what you will. I do not, for one second, suggest that pain or suffering or any such negativity is a good thing. I do not wish for bad things to happen,in contrast - like the vast majority of people- I hope and more importantly, act in favour of the complete opposite. But there is light and dark everywhere - in everything, both are very basic requirements to all things, both are equally essential parts of existence. When something negative happens, sometimes a response or reaction of simply 'standing back up again' is the matching positive. Nevermind what may follow on from there. The struggle for a perfect world is one of the victorious traits of being human, and though it may be unrealistic in some senses, it is as fundamentally important as the air we breathe.

Anyhows - just a few lines about some of what I was inspired to think upon reading this piece, I thought I would briefly share some of my reaction.

I really enjoy the posts of yours that I read Tera, thanks.

In some senses you remind me of a phoenix.

A
x

[Teratogen]

Most of this was just to say that, yes, we all dream of a perfect world, or at least we have a positive idea about what good and bad things are. I certainly realize there is a shade of gray to everything. There is not one thing in the world that has an infinite definite. Meaning nothing is ever 100% certain and the rewarding experiences in life are the ones submerged in the shades of gray.

We know the world is not perfect, but to idealize what we think IS perfect is where we all make our mistake in judgment. It's where we determine what is happiness and what is not. I think most people find content in who they are, but that is not the same as being happy. Happiness is a little trickier. On a personal level this was about the girl I've been having issues with lately. We can find heroism in actions that observe our contentment in life, but if we can't find happiness then the villains will always have a reason to live. Get what I'm saying?

For her love was in danger of being exposed. It was a feeling she did not want to embrace. She didn't consider it heroic. And so the door to her heart remains closed and because of it I am the villain. I am the one who tried to bring it out and make it into something. I think this poem/song is actually more tragic than it sounds. You may say I remind you of a phoenix, rising from the ashes. But there's a difference between being one and wishing to be one. Or more like I'm more comfortable burning to death and lying underneath the ash dreaming about getting back up to face another day instead of actually doing it. I still debate it.

By the way I made a small edit towards the beginning. I changed the line "The villains will fall and the heroes survive" to "The villains will struggle and heroes will thrive" only because two lines above it already made mention of the mortality of heroes and villains. It sounded monotonous.

[Alsiony]

Hey Tera

I think I get what you are saying – yes. Though, I do not see it in quite the same way. Unless I have misunderstood you, it appears that you view it from the angle that ‘the villains’ are there as a consequence of one’s un-happiness. ‘’but if we can't find happiness then the villains will always have a reason to live’’ That is to say that they are in existence as a consequence of how we feel / act.

I see it slightly differently.

I do believe they exist regardless. As I said before I see them as fundamental, and as such they have their place. Like the earth we stand upon is a space that we have entered, it is not here just because we are. Some of what you are saying may suggest that these villains could be tackled and conquered, and I do not believe this is true. It is our interpretation of them, and how we make use of them that makes the difference in a lot of cases.
Nothing is purely dark or purely light. Why not take advantage of that idea when dealing with something that largely manifests itself as dark?
They are not so much a bi-product that gets to exist as a consequence of our dis-satisfaction, more they are a tool that we can put to use. Seeing the way to do that is what really counts.

I don’t really like to divide things up strictly into ‘light and dark’ to be honest. But words can be limiting this way. Light implies good, and dark implies bad, sometimes the dark can be a fruitful space- the solitude and sadness can offer a valuable space to learn something that you couldn’t possibly learn elsewhere, and this is where the dark is also light. But as I said, words can be limiting - so this is sometimes an easier way of putting it across.

Seeing yourself from within, and knowing you have some substance, is not- I agree - the same as knowing happiness. But a large part of this I feel, rests on the shoulders – depends – on how realistic one is prepared to be. I mean seriously and genuinely realistic about what happiness is or rather what it should be. Again, this itself depends on expectation and interpretation.

Maybe the woman that you speak of does not have a closed heart at all. The person from my past- whom I made mention of to you before, still to this day has many of the characteristics he had back then, I am sure. I viewed him as ‘lost’ to have been able to make some of the decisions that he did about the end of our relationship at the time. To me it was a tragic waste and I was sure he was making a terrible terrible mistake, because I knew that our time together had profoundly affected us both equally. So where was the sense in it ending? It seemed absolutely crazy at the time and I couldn’t make sense of it. Though, as I said before, I have no idea of whatever happened to him after that – I am in no doubt that his heart was only remaining closed to me.

It really is a long series of differing exchanges – from the trades our bodies make when breathing the air – to the impressions we leave on other people, to the love we create and have the privilege to witness, even though it may not continue to actually be lived out by us.

As for my phoenix remark – I do believe that ‘burning to death under the ashes and dreaming about getting up to face another day (instead of actually doing it) - is the small beginnings of...actually doing it.

A
x

[Teratogen]

I'm glad someone else has been able to see it differently than the way I've written it. I always appreciate that my work can be viewed another way. I use the idea of heroes and villains as two extremes. Everything has at least two extremes, but like I said, it's the gray areas that matter most. When I said that everyone has a clear idea of what good and bad, heroes and villains, light and dark is, they personalize it. Can't help being done, it's the way we are made up as human beings. Sure, the dark needs existence to justify the light and so on. Good and bad, God and Satan, night and day, etc. One cannot exist without the other. I understand this perfectly. Always have.

But in regards to my comment on happiness, I do in a way feel that in our minds when we try to rationalize the gray areas and simplify things into the two easy extreme categories we take happiness out of the gray area and replace it with contentment. I don't mean to say that contentment is an extreme but it's the idea that we rationalize one thing by calling it another. We can be content living in an imperfect world where villains exist, but can we find happiness in that world? Trying to look at it from her perspective I see her trying to protect her comfort zone where she hides her emotions. I played the villain because I was forcibly trying to pry my way inside, which in hindsight was probably not the wisest of things to do and now I'm paying the price for it. She was the hero because she successfully thwarted my attempts and secured her comfort zone by doing away with the villain and now that she is not allowing me to speak to her she doesn't have to worry about it ever happening again.

She says she is happier without me. But can I really believe that she knows what happiness is? I can't say that I know she isn't happy if that is what she says, but part of me feels she is just more content now because the villain has been vanquished. Like I said before, happiness is a bit trickier. She may be able to convince herself in her mind by rationalizing the situation and pulling happiness out of contentment, but the more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that in this situation contentment is pushing someone away who was getting too close in order to secure your zone of comfort whereas happiness is knowing someone cared enough to want to get closer and accepting that you are important enough to them.

Maybe I’m just trying to justify myself with that claim, but seeing silver linings in these kinds of things are not so easy. I’m trying though. But yeah, villains don’t necessarily exist because we choose to be unhappy or can’t find and that they might even exist regardless. Yes, they are fundamental and have their places, just as night has with day as I said before. I don’t think she has a closed heart. I believe very much that she has an open one. But someone who is unwilling to accept the love of another doesn’t help that argument. It will always remain something unattainable to anybody if she can never let anyone close enough.

[Alsiony]

'Silver linings' can sound belittling some times. I REALLY hope that is not what you felt I meant in any of what I have written, ya know!
With regards to your use of 'villains' and 'heroes' as two extremes here and also about people personalising it all being un-avoidable. Yes, I agree with what you have said on this level and I see that when I read.
I guess I skipped saying some things, I try not to go on and on (believe it or not ) I am afraid I never grew out of long conversations 'til stupid o'clock in the morning - despite being supposedly all grown up and responsible these days haha!
I was expressing a 'parrallel path' that I saw, so to speak - or maybe just an extended view of how it appeared to me personally.
I sometimes get so worried that I sound like I am preaching! - when I am really only offering my own (perhaps completely cock-eyed) view of the world!

Anyhows,

Continued Best Wishes with your writings

A
x

[Teratogen]

It's okay. It's just nice to talk sometimes. Even if we may differ in opinion or agree for that matter. There's always something to get out of conversation.

But to another question: if she has blocked me from contact, would it be wrong of me to use underhanded tactics, for lack of a better term, just to make an apology to her? I don't see how an apology could hurt anybody, but if she clearly does not want to talk to me and claims that she has been happier since breaking off communication with me, then what are my chances? What would be the best way to go about it?

[Alsiony]

It depends on what you really mean by 'underhanded tactics'- though I get you when you say for want of a better term.

As I mentioned before - I can seriously identify with needing to make a final move in a situation, and indeed, this is why I personally chose to write a letter. I know that if I had confronted him with a surprise visit - I would have achieved nothing, I would not have been able to put across anything that I did in the letter and it would have been a disaster. I had to be very honest with myself about it. That was hard. But it kinda helped me to make up my mind when I realised that if I did go to see him - then not only would I not really get a chance to say these things to him - but much worse than that I would be doubtless left with a situation where our last meeting ever would be just a horrible memory. I sent the letter, at last from a genuine viewpoint of sincerely never expecting a reply. I had to make sure I was not sending it fooling myself with a glimmer of hope kind of thing.
I tried to act out of respect for him- and out of respect for myself.

Anyhows, this is all just based on my own experience ya know!
Good luck

A
x

[Teratogen]

Well what I meant by underhanded tactics was things that are not so obvious. I can't call her, text her, e-mail her, instant message her or send her messages through MySpace anymore. I could drive down to her home and mail a letter. Lately I've been talking to a mutual friend, really the only person I know that knows her and will talk to me. He's not much help. He's got a more bleak outlook on the world than I do and so far he's not interested in helping me. I asked him if he'd be able to convince her to talk to me but he won't do it. He even puts me down quite a bit for feeling the way I do.

But I was trying to think creatively. I could try talking to her brother or another friend of hers that, neither of whom I know or have ever spoken to, but I think that would be even worse than talking to this mutual friend. She would find out most likely and not take too kindly to that. I was also thinking of calling her from a phone that wasn't mine, so that the number wouldn't be blocked. But I have a feeling she wouldn't answer if she didn't know the number anyway. Or I could post a blog on my MySpace and see if at least my friend can get her to read it.

At this point there's three things I know: 1, I care about her very, very much and there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep from causing any more discomfort for her; 2, I can't go on living like this and there's only one thing that can help me and that is myself; which brings me to 3, I can't keep going on thinking inaction is helping to solve this problem, so I must help myself and do something. Question is (and this is the big question), if I had the chance, do I tell her everything I've wanted to tell her or do I give the apology and spare her everything else?

I'm leaning more towards the apology. If she accepts it then there is a slight chance of hope that we may be able to rekindle a friendship. But I have to do it making peace with the possibility that she won't accept it. At least I'd have tried to help myself and at least she would have given me the opportunity to make peace and at least an apology wouldn't cause any discomfort. It would be simple and sincere. What do you think?

[Alsiony]

Tera, to be quite frank, it would be wrong of me to actually tell you what I think you should do. I definately do not mean that in a careless way. With anything I ever say to anyone I try to use my own experience as a foundation for my comments.
However, it may be very important, to seriously consider the fact that this woman has gone as far as to block phone contact etc, when making your decision about what to do. It may be a cliche - but the saying 'if you truly love someone- let them go' is a cliche because it holds a truth within it.

Before we talked about being able to realise, to see content - substance within ourselves and there comes a time where this has to become the main focus again, we have to get back to ourselves, back to our our own centre, if that makes sense. It is a responsible preparation and process that no-one should neglect in my opinion, it is a part of nuturing and taking care of yourself and especially so after a horrendous fall. This is just my opinion. But in doing that, we are able to start to let upsetting experiences genuinely fade a little, which is vital, I believe it really is. Though our experiences are valid and will never be forgotten, they cannot be what continues to drive us.

A latin phrase comes to mind (- and I am no latin expert, but I know a few odds and sods) 'Ne Te quaeseveris extra'.

I sincerely wish you all the best

A
x

[Teratogen]

I understand that you can't tell me what to do. Everybody I talk to has different ways of how they would handle it or how they have handled something similar. It's just at this point I'm so vulnerable that I pay attention to what everyone says. I realize in the end my decision is something only I can make.

When I think of that saying though I can't help but think that letting go is an act of cowardice. I think truly loving someone is being able to be happy for that person even in circumstances such as this where neither party is on speaking terms or at least being happy for them even if they have nothing but negative thoughts about you. I don't know that it necessarily means "letting them go." I can't help but feel that if I go on living life as usual pretending I never cared for her then I am breaking the only bond I have with her now and that is my painful memory of all the time we spent together. I know there's no use in thinking of what could have been or even trying to re-live the past, but it's all that I have left now. I don't want to give those things up too.

I really see no harm in at least trying to make good on my part with an apology. If she doesn't accept it I will leave it at that. At least I'd know I was able to give that much. It's much less demanding than pouring my heart out to her and entering that world of emotion she never wanted to go to in the first place. I also feel that the only way to "get back to myself," as you say, is to do this. Without a sense of closure I fear I'm going to keep on this way until I let time attempt to suture up the wounds. But I don't want to rely on time. Some things require time. Some require action.

Maybe I'm not guilty of any wrongdoing, for the way I feel does not feel wrong. But I feel regret over how the situation was handled, and it is certainly overwhelming. I don't think I can forgive myself for that unless I'm able to properly ask for it from her. In a way I think the act itself would be my way of forgiving myself. Life is short. What else would I have to lose if I haven't lost it all already?

[Alsiony]

I hear what you are saying Tera and I understand where you are coming from.

It is a hard hard road and just based on how I know you through our comms on here - I really wish you well.

Be strong and be happy.

A
x