A page from my journal and a Poem

[j6ppc]

Please be gentle or at least constructive.
Poem at the bottom of the page.
Thanks for reading!

[Cate]

Hi Jon and welcome.

Papa

I've only read a little bit of Hemingway, which book was it that had you so motivated?


Poem

Your first four lines are as crisp as the bedsheets mentioned and could stand alone easily as a stanza or it's own short poem.

The next 4 lines didn't work as well for me. Lines 5 and 6 are interesting (I mean that in a good way - I like the lines) but 7 and 8 fell a bit flat for me. (I think I would have liked a little more 5 and 6 before getting to the sleep portion of the poem - that's a girl for you though).

A suggestion would be to remove the and at the beginning of 7 and consider the word smile. When I read (I’m not trying to interpret what you meant just telling how the words were reading to me) I initially read the ‘need’ as belonging to the narrator and that there were two in the bed, but as I reach the end it seems more likely that you is alone and so in that sense I like the idea of dream and sleep.

cookies

in case that wasn't gentle enough.

AH-ChocChipCookies.JPG (34.33 KiB) Viewed 780 times

Cate

[j6ppc]

The book in question is a moveable feast the "restored" edition released this summer. Interesting glimpse into his early days as a full time creative writer I think.
His notion of just writing one true thing from which all else flows is what I was so enamored with. Good advice for any writer I reckon.

As for the poem - I'm still playing with it. And the woman in question is in fact alone .

Like everything else I always like to let things sit for a while before I really start editing, lets me get a little distance from it so as to better be able to edit when I feel less ownership of the lines.

Cate I really appreciated your feedback, With that piece I think I could go either way (tighter/briefer) or expand and flesh out.
It was pretty off the cuff. The backstory was a ladyfriend of mine has been insufferably umm... well horny of late (not something I'm a position to help her with) and those lines really were my way of suggesting to her she needed to rectify her situation rather than inflicting her arousal upon me. No idea if she acted upon it but she enjoyed the lines.

[imaginary friend]

Hi Jon,

I liked your use of the journal image rather than typing the poem here. Very effective.

[j6ppc]

Thank you imaginary friend. Sometimes an Iphone and alcohol produce fortuitous results.