A Lovers Dilemna

[philrose]

"A Lover's Dilemna"

A simple candle burning shadows across a barren window
Flames flickering and dancing, hoping to catch the corners of a lonely lovers eye as she walks proud but shattered on the sidewalk below
The night grows older as memories of forgotten women grow warm yet colder
A whisper breaks from a glass of yesterdays wine and memories unravel in turmoil
The memories command the answer that makes sense beyond the curse of wine
Are the memories yours or are they still prisoners of mine?
Will you take them from me or shall they stay within my coil?
All the lovers I’ve ever lost rest their ghosts beneath the bed sheets
Still smooth as they lay upon the pillow and drag their breasts across my chest
And the candle burns so pure and naked and yet it burns as if it’s lost the strength of trust
My lovers are all entwined and confused by my struggle between love and lust
If I should forget the names of 1 or 2, I know I will always remember the name I always called you beneath my breath
Footsteps and fingerprints hide beneath old photographs, catching memories as they fall from silent eyes down across lips scarred by lies

Into the echoes of darkness the candle throws a confetti of somber light, I thought I heard the sound of a streetwalkers feet dancing on the stairs. The streetwalkers remind me that for me, love is always broken from the start. I never know if love is beginning or when the end will begin. Lonely is the room from the chair where I sit and stare. For to ask that love will enfold me is always the dilemna that is sometimes too stark for me to bear.

So while I await the knock upon my door I sit here, my eyes piercing the humble walls, a pen upon an empty page, many tears waiting for the command to fall. I’m waiting to look into the longing of a lovers eyes so I can feel whole again.
So many hearts and words I’ve tried to believe in, so many wounded hearts that have preferred to hide. So many broken affairs abandoned by pride. Too many tears that feel like endless rain that soaks through to the bone. Too many ships upon the ocean, too many dreams I wish were true. Too many lover’s on my journey that took me away from you. I wish you were here and gathering close to my feelings and protecting my soul.
I have cried so many times into a damaged handkerchief with the fury of a man with nothing left to give and nothing left to feel. I look into a mirror and see the silhouette of a man with so much to heal. I remember how the morning sunshine will steal all that it can steal from beauty. Yes the sun is a thief for a man who lives inside his grief. The sun is a thief it steals away the nights I shared with you, when the morning came so soon to visit our bodies.

So the regrets swell up inside my veins, I’ve left so many lovers waiting with a worry in their mind, I’ve left them so often with much they’ve still to find.
All they have are the words I’ve left behind.
And my dilemna raises its ugly head, what shall I say when the knock upon my door is clear, good morning, good evening, good night or is it the usual, goodbye.

[Geoffrey]

philrose wrote:
>A Lover’s Dilemna . . .


Hello philrose. Would you like a critique?

[Lion of Lions]

A Lover’s Dilemna

A simple candle burning shadows across a barren window
Flames flickering and dancing, hoping to catch the corners of a lonely lover’s eye as she walks proud but shattered on the sidewalk below
The night grows older as memories of forgotten women grow warm yet colder
A whisper breaks from a glass of yesterdays wine and memories unravel in turmoil
The memories command the answer that makes sense beyond the curse of wine
Are the memories yours or are they still prisoners of mine?
Will you take them from me or shall they stay within my coil?
All the lover’s I’ve ever lost rest their ghosts beneath the bed sheets
.

Phil, I haven't got time to read this properly now but a preliminary suggestion- take the incorrectly used apostrophe in "lover's" and give it to the needy "yesterdays" I fear you may have written "lover's" other times in this piece. Obviously, mistakes like that take attention away from your work.

[Geoffrey]

Re: A Lover's Dilemna

Lion of Lions
>Obviously, mistakes like that take attention away from your work.

and gives them a dilemna.

[philrose]

A critique would be most welcome

[philrose]

Lions

I appreciate your advise. I should have edited this before I posted it. I've attempted to make the changes suggested please input further

[Lion of Lions]

A Lovers Dilemna

A simple candle burning shadows across a barren window
Flames flickering and dancing, hoping to catch the corners of a lonely lovers eye as she walks proud but shattered on the sidewalk below
The night grows older as memories of forgotten women grow warm yet colder
A whisper breaks from a glass of yesterdays wine and memories unravel in turmoil
The memories command the answer that makes sense beyond the curse of wine
Are the memories yours or are they still prisoners of mine?
Will you take them from me or shall they stay within my coil?
All the lovers I’ve ever lost rest their ghosts beneath the bed sheets
Still smooth as they lay upon the pillow and drag their breasts across my chest
And the candle burns so pure and naked and yet it burns as if it’s lost the strength of trust
My lovers are all entwined and confused by my struggle between love and lust
If I should forget the names of 1 or 2, I know I will always remember the name I always called you beneath my breath
Footsteps and fingerprints hide beneath old photographs, catching memories as they fall from silent eyes down across lips scarred by lies

Into the echoes of darkness the candle throws a confetti of somber light, I thought I heard the sound of a streetwalkers feet dancing on the stairs. The streetwalkers remind me that for me, love is always broken from the start. I never know if love is beginning or when the end will begin. Lonely is the room from the chair where I sit and stare. For to ask that love will enfold me is always the dilemna that is sometimes too stark for me to bear.

So while I await the knock upon my door I sit here, my eyes piercing the humble walls, a pen upon an empty page, many tears waiting for the command to fall. I’m waiting to look into the longing of a lovers eyes so I can feel whole again.
So many hearts and words I’ve tried to believe in, so many wounded hearts that have preferred to hide. So many broken affairs abandoned by pride. Too many tears that feel like endless rain that soaks through to the bone. Too many ships upon the ocean, too many dreams I wish were true. Too many lover’s on my journey that took me away from you. I wish you were here and gathering close to my feelings and protecting my soul.
I have cried so many times into a damaged handkerchief with the fury of a man with nothing left to give and nothing left to feel. I look into a mirror and see the silhouette of a man with so much to heal. I remember how the morning sunshine will steal all that it can steal from beauty. Yes the sun is a thief for a man who lives inside his grief. The sun is a thief it steals away the nights I shared with you, when the morning came so soon to visit our bodies.

So the regrets swell up inside my veins, I’ve left so many lovers waiting with a worry in their mind, I’ve left them so often with much they’ve still to find.
All they have are the words I’ve left behind.
And my dilemna raises its ugly head, what shall I say when the knock upon my door is clear, good morning, good evening, good night or is it the usual, goodbye.

I've attempted to make the changes suggested please input further

hmm, I've never spent so long with another man's lovers.

put you in a small room with a keyboard and you become all apostophobic, don't you....

ok, maybe you are kidding but change the title to "A Lover's Dilemma". I acknowledge that spelling correctly 1 out of 3 words of your title wasn't so bad. And "a" can be tricky, so well done at least for that.

[Geoffrey]

Lion of Loins wrote:
>Change the title to "A Lover's Dilemma". I acknowledge that spelling correctly 1 out of 3 words of your title wasn't so bad. And "a" can be tricky, so well done at least for that.

ha ha ha; with such combined sarcasm and wit, had he not been as bent as a fiddler's arm you could have been the son of that wild oscar fellow.

[Geoffrey]

philrose wrote:
>A critique would be most welcome.

ok. the poem is not very good. to give a free meticulous assessment would cost money, and in this instance the price of my scrutinisation might also be a sizeable slice of your pride. i have no intention of hurting you with blunt criticism, unless you wish to pay for it. neither do i wish to dishonestly patronise you with condescension. generally speaking, though, and to give you a small and censored taste of the critique you can expect, i give you this: your work is too long, too dull and with too little substance. the blatant ignorance displayed in your writing skill suggests zero potential as a successful or proficient writer. ok. that sounds rather negative - but the truth is not always kind. having said that, there is nothing to prevent you from writing poems and presenting them here in an unserious and light-hearted manner. such an activity can be therapeutic for you, and entertaining for a reader who has no idea of quality.

[Lion of Lions]

Lion of Loins wrote:
>Change the title to "A Lover's Dilemma". I acknowledge that spelling correctly 1 out of 3 words of your title wasn't so bad. And "a" can be tricky, so well done at least for that.

ha ha ha; with such combined sarcasm and wit, had he not been as bent as a fiddler's arm you could have been the son of that wild oscar fellow.

that's "Loin of Loins" to you.

Btw I was too generous to Phil, the title has to be changed to "The Lover's Dilemma", meaning he got all 3 words wrong.

[Geoffrey]

Lionel Loincloth wrote:
>I was too generous to Phil, the title has to be changed to "The Lover's Dilemma"


How do you know he wasn't talking about a dilemma shared by more than one lover, in which case it would be "The Lovers' Dilemma"?

[Lion of Lions]

Lionel Loincloth wrote:
>I was too generous to Phil, the title has to be changed to "The Lover's Dilemma"


How do you know he wasn't talking about a dilemma shared by more than one lover, in which case it would be "The Lovers' Dilemma"?

that's "Lenny Dishcloth" to you.

I thought of your possibility and rejected it for 2 good reasons.

First, a textual analysis contends for my construction.

Secondly, Phil invariably speaks in the singular voice.

Thirdly, I have Phil here, tied up and gagged in the basement of the Servans' Quarters, and when I read him your post he said "aagghhhghaaaghhh!", which is certainly good enough for me.

[jabble524]

This is honestly brilliant. All poems, I think, attempt to perfectly convey an emotional theme(s) or energy, and paint a picture with words, so the reader is no longer just reading, but actually seeing the poem unfold in their mind. To take words and use them to create perfect visuals for the emotional theme(s) or energy of the poem. Most poems, including my own, never quite reach that level of perfection. This doesn't mean they're bad, but they don't break through to that highest level of creative perfection.

Your poem did. I don't mean to insult anyone else, but this is by far, the best thing I have ever seen anyone post on these threads, including my own postings. This is really a rare piece of brilliance that doesn't often come along, but when it does it blows you away. Great job.
- Jason

[Geoffrey]

This is honestly brilliant. All poems, I think, attempt to perfectly convey an emotional theme(s) or energy, and paint a picture with words, so the reader is no longer just reading, but actually seeing the poem unfold in their mind. To take words and use them to create perfect visuals for the emotional theme(s) or energy of the poem. Most poems, including my own, never quite reach that level of perfection. This doesn't mean they're bad, but they don't break through to that highest level of creative perfection.

Your poem did. I don't mean to insult anyone else, but this is by far, the best thing I have ever seen anyone post on these threads, including my own postings. This is really a rare piece of brilliance that doesn't often come along, but when it does it blows you away. Great job.
- Jason

ha ha ha!!! i love your third word.

[Lion of Lions]

This is honestly brilliant. All poems, I think, attempt to perfectly convey an emotional theme(s) or energy, and paint a picture with words, so the reader is no longer just reading, but actually seeing the poem unfold in their mind. To take words and use them to create perfect visuals for the emotional theme(s) or energy of the poem. Most poems, including my own, never quite reach that level of perfection. This doesn't mean they're bad, but they don't break through to that highest level of creative perfection.

Your poem did. I don't mean to insult anyone else, but this is by far, the best thing I have ever seen anyone post on these threads, including my own postings. This is really a rare piece of brilliance that doesn't often come along, but when it does it blows you away. Great job.
- Jason

ha ha ha!!! i love your third word.

Geoffrey, do check your spelling. Obviously you meant "third world" to describe the view of my friend, Jason. .