Cate, thanks so much for your constructive criticism of my poem. It really helped my to expand on it. Here is a revised version, I tried to incorporate your suggestions where I could. This revised version is a bit longer.
Crimes of Passion (Revised)
The interrogation room was dark and gloomy
The air was stale, and smelled of mold and mildew
No windows, and an old wooden door, that creaked when it opened
To me, it felt like an ancient tomb
A tomb where the darkest secrets are buried
The sound of the door, and the detective’s voice, broke my trance
“Good morning Mrs. Lewis, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting”
“I’m going to need you to tell me what happened last night”
As he sat down, and straightened his tie, I smiled
And then I began to speak …
His Judas Kiss made me orgasm
As we fucked on the Ides of March
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar
Oh, sweet lips that lie
Insincere words and empty promises
I had carelessly given my heart away
I remember the first day I learned of his sins
It was a warm spring afternoon
And I was working on a scrapbook in the kitchen
The cool spring breeze danced through the open windows
And filled the kitchen with a sense of serenity
When I came to the pictures of my honeymoon with Todd
I was filled with a sense of passion
As my memories flashed back to those romantic Caribbean Nights
When we made love on that deserted beach
All alone, and under the stars-
He told me I was his “one and only”
My flashback was broken by the ringing of the telephone
Too relaxed to get up, I decided to let the machine get it
As the words came in over the answering machine
I felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest
Each word like another painful incision
“Hey Todd, this is Melanie”-
“Just calling to say I can’t get over last night”.
“Listen; meet me next Friday at the Cesar’s Palace Hotel- room sixty-six. At six o’clock”.
“They’ll be champagne on ice”
“And I’ll be wearing the outfit you like”
“See you then lover boy”
When the message finally ended-
I felt like my heart had been completely carved out of my chest
And then smashed into a thousand little pieces of sorrow
Heartbroken and betrayed
I cried
And cried until I was dehydrated
It was then-
That the thirst for revenge first entered my soul
My love slowly mutated into a deformed hatred
As I began to formulate a wicked plan
“Give it to me Todd”
“Give it to me baby”
I moaned
As I continued to wrap my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
I could see the overwhelming ecstasy in his eyes
At the height of sexual intercourse
A man is blind to everything but pleasure
So he never saw it coming
When I slid the knife out
From beneath the sheets
The knife smoothly pierced his back
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the confusion and terror in his eyes
As he desperately gasped for air
Mockingly, I said, “I love you too sweetheart”
Angered by my sarcasm
He mustered one last bit of strength
And cursed me
“Bitch”!
“Bitch you’ll fucking burn in hell for this”
I grabbed the knife-
Still sticking out of his back
And twisted
Mocking him one last time
I said
“Oh, lover boy”
“Don’t you know”-
“That hell has no fury like a woman scorned”?
With that, I pulled the knife from his back
And kicked his body to the floor
As I licked the blood off the knife
I watched his body cautiously-
Half-expecting him to pop back up
Like the killer at the end of a scary movie
But there was nothing
His body lay lifeless on the floor
He was gone
The last grain of sand had fallen from his hourglass
And he now slept in the cold arms of the reaper
“Umm…”
“Is that all”?
The detective asked, looking rather puzzled
“Yes, that’s all” I replied, as a devilish grin crept across my face
“Mrs. Lewis, you understand that since you waived your Miranda Rights”
“Everything you just told me is admissible in court”?
“Now, if you tell me what you did with the body”
“I’ll ask the District Attorney for leniency”
“Fine” I replied calmly
“Go to the Cesar’s Palace Hotel”
“Room 66”
“You’ll find the bodies there”
“Bodies”? The detective replied
Again looking puzzled
“Yes bodies”
“You’ll find the bodies there”
Not wanting to waste anymore time
The detective and a team of police
Rushed to Cesar’s Palace Hotel
In room 66
They found the bodies of Todd
And his lover Melanie
Crimes of Passion (Revised)
Re: Crimes of Passion (Revised)
Hi J,jabble524 wrote:Cate, thanks so much for your constructive criticism of my poem. It really helped my to expand on it. Here is a revised version, I tried to incorporate your suggestions where I could. This revised version is a bit longer.
Crimes of Passion (Revised)
The interrogation room was dark and gloomy
The air was stale, and smelled of mold and mildew
No windows, and an old wooden door, that creaked when it opened
To me, it felt like an ancient tomb
A tomb where the darkest secrets are buried
The sound of the door, and the detective’s voice, broke my trance
“Good morning Mrs. Lewis, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting”
“I’m going to need you to tell me what happened last night”
As he sat down, and straightened his tie, I smiled
And then I began to speak …
His Judas Kiss made me orgasm
As we fucked on the Ides of March
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar
Oh, sweet lips that lie
Insincere words and empty promises
I had carelessly given my heart away
I remember the first day I learned of his sins
It was a warm spring afternoon
And I was working on a scrapbook in the kitchen
The cool spring breeze danced through the open windows
And filled the kitchen with a sense of serenity
When I came to the pictures of my honeymoon with Todd
I was filled with a sense of passion
As my memories flashed back to those romantic Caribbean Nights
When we made love on that deserted beach
All alone, and under the stars-
He told me I was his “one and only”
My flashback was broken by the ringing of the telephone
Too relaxed to get up, I decided to let the machine get it
As the words came in over the answering machine
I felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest
Each word like another painful incision
“Hey Todd, this is Melanie”-
“Just calling to say I can’t get over last night”.
“Listen; meet me next Friday at the Cesar’s Palace Hotel- room sixty-six. At six o’clock”.
“They’ll be champagne on ice”
“And I’ll be wearing the outfit you like”
“See you then lover boy”
When the message finally ended-
I felt like my heart had been completely carved out of my chest
And then smashed into a thousand little pieces of sorrow
Heartbroken and betrayed
I cried
And cried until I was dehydrated
It was then-
That the thirst for revenge first entered my soul
My love slowly mutated into a deformed hatred
As I began to formulate a wicked plan
“Give it to me Todd”
“Give it to me baby”
I moaned
As I continued to wrap my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
I could see the overwhelming ecstasy in his eyes
At the height of sexual intercourse
A man is blind to everything but pleasure
So he never saw it coming
When I slid the knife out
From beneath the sheets
The knife smoothly pierced his back
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the confusion and terror in his eyes
As he desperately gasped for air
Mockingly, I said, “I love you too sweetheart”
Angered by my sarcasm
He mustered one last bit of strength
And cursed me
“Bitch”!
“Bitch you’ll fucking burn in hell for this”
I grabbed the knife-
Still sticking out of his back
And twisted
Mocking him one last time
I said
“Oh, lover boy”
“Don’t you know”-
“That hell has no fury like a woman scorned”?
With that, I pulled the knife from his back
And kicked his body to the floor
As I licked the blood off the knife
I watched his body cautiously-
Half-expecting him to pop back up
Like the killer at the end of a scary movie
But there was nothing
His body lay lifeless on the floor
He was gone
The last grain of sand had fallen from his hourglass
And he now slept in the cold arms of the reaper
“Umm…”
“Is that all”?
The detective asked, looking rather puzzled
“Yes, that’s all” I replied, as a devilish grin crept across my face
“Mrs. Lewis, you understand that since you waived your Miranda Rights”
“Everything you just told me is admissible in court”?
“Now, if you tell me what you did with the body”
“I’ll ask the District Attorney for leniency”
“Fine” I replied calmly
“Go to the Cesar’s Palace Hotel”
“Room 66”
“You’ll find the bodies there”
“Bodies”? The detective replied
Again looking puzzled
“Yes bodies”
“You’ll find the bodies there”
Not wanting to waste anymore time
The detective and a team of police
Rushed to Cesar’s Palace Hotel
In room 66
They found the bodies of Todd
And his lover Melanie
I didn't see Cate's comments, but wanted to say that I had a few moments that I thought interesting when reading the poem, the two highlighted above, although the first more than the second. These lines, indicating the shift from the line before, have me thinking of movie editing, actually, and I think it's something you could work with even more. It's difficult to write this kind of poem, I think, given it's so very much a narrative, and so, how much do you condense it, and how do you condense it, while maintaining the narrative, etc. However, these moments made me feel a bit off balance, which to me became the most interesting part of the poem... so... I guess I'm just offering this comment as something to sit with... it might be something that starts to come up more, if you do more poems like this one...
v i o l e t
Violet
Re: Crimes of Passion (Revised)
Thanks for the feedback Violet. I was struggling with the transitions between sequences, I was trying to find the right balance between description and the overall flow of the poem, but you've given me a good idea- I could divide the overall poem into parts (Parts 1, 2, 3, 4) that might make the transitions easier. Thanks for the feedback.