been kicking this one around...

[Manna]

Caw Cool Crow

because you’ve stolen Fonzie’s coat
to go out and stomp peace signs all over the mud
while you sing your sweet song of brotherhood




Maybe it's better:

Caw Cool Crow

Because you’ve stolen
Fonzie’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs all over
in the mud

while you sing
your sweet song
of brotherhood



This may be one of those guys I never stop playing with. Please crit & rewrite to your hardest heart's content. Go ahead and add stuff & take stuff away. Play play play.

[Gullivor]

Who stoled the coat?

[Manna]

ever notice how crows are black?

[Gullivor]

That is clever and cute.
Thank you for the hint, I'v seemed to have brain damage from my partying daze.
Fogive me
Gully

[Manna]

Glad you took it in good cheer. I was afraid I'd been too sarcastic.

[Gullivor]

I did not pay attention when I read the Title....Im afraid Im worse off then I let on.
One would think that I would be further along by now!
I still have hope for progress, I'v given up on perfection.
A friend 'Mosses' did tell me to take the Journey slow

[Cate]

Caw Cool Crow

Because you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs all over
in the mud

while you sing
your sweet song
of brotherhood

Hi Manna - I like the line breaks in this version better.
I also like the idea of his little feet leaving peace signs in the mud.
Fonzi's stolen coat makes me wonder if his heart is truly in all this stumping, or is he just trying to impress the chicks.

Caw Cool Crow

you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat
caw cool crow

stomp out
peace signs
over mud

sing sweet
your song
brother

I like your version much better - just taking the opportunity to play with words.

[Manna]

Cate, you've struck a nail on its proverbial little head. The crow's caw (while I actually do like it) is also not considered by most to be a sweet song.

Know anyone else who's black, trying to be cool, and calling for brotherhood?
I actually like the guy very much too, and I didn't write it to be about him. But I have wondered if people would interpret it that way. I did consider placing the mud in the dried up moat around the white house, but decided against it.

[mat james]

????
??
?
Caw Cool Crow,

because you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs all over
in the mud

waltzing
your stark cry
of brotherhood

[mat james]

oh,
I see you pre-empted my efforts! (regarding the "sweet song")

[~greg]

Caw Cool Crow

Because you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat

Let us go then, you and I,
and steal his white t-shirt too, for they go together,
they are a pair,
and I in the one, and you in the other,
will don upside down crows' feet
and stomp peace signs up and down the black
volcanic beach mud of Guatemala,
while the sun sits on top of the horizon
like a fat bird on a wire
eyeing your navel with envy.

We'll sing songs of brotherhood,
until they stick in our craw
and we remember the upper room
where the women come and go
carrying the bacon
talking of leonard cohen.

Oh, do not ask "what's for breakfast?"
Let us go and cook up a mess.

[Manna]

Hi Mat, I didn't notice your revision to "stark cry" until just now. I guess I hadn't read carefully. maybe stark cry has a similar word-shape as sweet song, so it was easy to miss.

.stark cry
sweet song

Anyway... thanks for playing.

Greg. that is pretty cool. thanks.

[Cate]

I liked Greg's idea of taking the white shirt to. The are kinda a matched set aren't they.

while the sun sits on top of the horizon
like a fat bird on a wire
eyeing your navel with envy.

I love these lines.

[Cate]

0.jpg (9.89 KiB) Viewed 2224 times

If this worked here's a picture of a crow I was playing with 2 weeks ago. I noticed him watching me - he was probably hoping I had a snack - but when I went to take his picture he kept hopping away from me, so I followed him around. When I turned and walked away from him, he started following me.

[Manna]

yeah, but was he eying your navel with envy?