Suitcase

[Bernard]

I am a university undergraduate
under radar
under siege
under surveillance
under done
under heaven

I bleed half-baked western philosophy
from my skull
I am no god
short in stature
short in knowledge
short in certainty
short in security

But I wear a long suit
of anxiety
morbidity
dark humour
autumnal leaves
conformity
hatred
lost love
and disease

I write death’s indelible ink
the agony of living
the cry of abandonment
the scream of sanity
the dream of wealth
the scorn of the privileged
the limp of the abled
and the sight of blindness

I carry a suitcase
filled with rumours of truth
a promise of fidelity
memories of a summer’s passion
traumas of a scorched childhood
defiance to a Catholic God
longing for a father’s voice
and pathology results stating I am well

I walk the green campus of higher learning
with a fierce mastiff on guard at every turn
I walk the corridors of the history department
with a legion of murdered innocents
a mass of humanity too weak to moan
a crowd of criminals committing horrors in the name of necessity
good friends plotting my demise
and icons of ideologies, metatheories, and utopias
now living with worms

I sit in the undergraduate lounge
drinking hot coffee
eating spaghetti bolognaise
playing hide and seek with myself
planning my next move
and writing a poem of anguish

I take my place in a tutorial room
arguing semantics
disavowing revered academics
questioning the point of my investigations
never revealing my mind
always wearing a mask against the gaze of the other

And I am in the school of medicine
living under a microscope
upon a specimen slide
I do not know how I came to be here
where madness and reason meet in sweet conspiracy
where terror and despair weave their jacket
of fractured perception and loss of self
where I am a man no longer
now a mere phantom
cast out from life’s warmth and gentleness
into a fire of torment and dread

Yet still I am a university undergraduate

Bernard McVeigh


It's good to be back

Bernard

[mat james]

So that's where/who you've been
What a metamorphosis you have "undergone" in your absence.
I read a saying the other day that went like this;
" depression is just anger without passion"
Your poem above certainly has the "passion".

Great to "listen" to you again Bernard, "where madness and reason meet in sweet conspiracy". (good line; rather apt for Leonard's forum)
I thought you were done for.
I love being wrong .

Matj

[lizzytysh]

That's so fitting, Mat. You beat me to the punch with the only line that I copied&pasted when I read it, so I could repeat it in my WELCOME BACK to YOU, BERNARD!

So, here it is, from me, as well:

where madness and reason meet in sweet conspiracy

An awesome line, Bernard.

Welcome back! In the interim, I've asked Mat about you and your whereabouts. It's so GOOD to see you here, again! What an endeavour you've described above and it captures the criss-crossing energies of your life and various realities that have occurred since the age that would normally have you on this campus.

I'm so glad to see you here, Bernard. With all you've said, it looks to me like you're doing very well. Good on you for taking this new path.


Love,
Lizzy

[Bernard]

G'day Mat and Lizzy,

I might have been gone from the forum but you were never forgotten. I'm doing fine. Thanks for thinking of me in my absence, it warms my heart. I haven't been near a computer for nearly a year. I've been recharging the batteries of my soul.

Catch up with you all soon

Love Bernard