Untitled by nunu

[Nunu]

Untitled by nunu

I always dreamed he would have
brothers and sisters
And now he has three.

My heart skips when I hear
them playfully call for him,
their big brother, to hold his hand.

I can't help but turn around
to sneak a peak at their togetherness.
I walk slowly towards my empty house.

My heart is empty except for the pain.
I never dreamed his family
would not be mine.

[Manna]

I always dreamed he would have
brothers and sisters
And now he has three.

My heart skips when I hear
them playfully call for him,
their big brother, to hold his hand.

I can't help but turn around
to sneak a peak at their togetherness.
I walk slowly towards my empty house.

My heart is empty except for the pain.
I never dreamed his family
would not be mine.

I understand what you are saying, but I think you can say it more interestingly. You've told us a few times exactly what you are feeling and thinking, which is an unnecessary detraction. Phrases such as "I always dreamed..." and "My heart skips" might be more interesting if you attribute them to your empty house rather than yourself. I think you may already be on the verge of that since both your house and your heart are empty.

"Sneak a peak" is a cliche. If you're looking at them sneakily, maybe you can be watching them from a window, where you wouldn't be seen, and this would put you inside the empty house, affirming the you-house metaphor. "My heart skips" is another cliche, but if the house's heart skips, you might get away with it. Maybe. Same with having "always dreamed"

Your line breaks are good, and I like that you've left it a mystery - whether this child is really family or not. Maybe he has half-siblings, maybe he is so close with the neighbor's children that they are like siblings - I don't know.

[William]

"Sneak a peak"may be a cliche but it's also a mountainous error
Sneek a peek?????????

[mat james]

It is sad nunu, and for me your poem works.
I have a tendency for cliche at times too.
Your story comes through.

I always dreamed he would have
brothers and sisters
And now he has three.

You are probably his father and his mum (your "ex") has married someone else and had more kids.
You could also be his mum, and your ex has moved on and had more kids.
The sadness is that this break-up was not of your choosing; or so it seems.

I think you create a gentle moment, a sad reflection
and I wish you comfort and sunshine.

Matj

[Manna]

Thank you for such a lovely response, Mat.

[Sideways]

"Sneak a peak"may be a cliche but it's also a mountainous error
Sneek a peek?????????

Geoffrey is making a pun on the word "peak". We know that because he added a smiley. Well done! Pour that man a drink!

Sue is my name
Ironing is my game
I am not a lawyer
but I love all lawyers
because they bring Law to the world.

[~greg]

adverbs (playfully, slowly, etc) --suck.
They destroy immediateness.

In this case they destroy the immediateness
which this poem would otherwise have going for it.

Adverbs really do destroy immediateness.
Take my word for it.

They really really decisively destroy immediateness.

And, although sadly, yet really really really really,
and decisively, insidiously, incessantly, and insouciantly,
they destroy immediateness.

And sideways, too.

~~
ps
"William" isn't Geoffrey.

Geoffrey doesn't smile. And he isn't yellow.

[William]

Actually SueM I wasn't!
It should be a "peek" unless he was sneaking a mountain-top!

[~greg]

Sneek a peak.

(combinatorial fetish)

[Nunu]

Sorry "sneak a peak" was just a spelling error, it should have been sneak a peek.

This poem was written fairly quickly, just expressing some simple (but strong) emotions i was feeling, hence simple (but not so strong) poem..

Thanks for the feedback, my first time sharing

[Nunu]

Thank you mat for your kind words

[Lissa]

I think it's beautiful.