A POEM NOT

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:47 pm

when will the wars be over
silenced without guns
when will my hungry brothers
sit down with us for brunch

Sideways · Post by **Sideways** » Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:53 pm

jimbo wrote:The inevitable is evolving
a step the right dirrection
just hope against the slope
the inevitable is evolving
democracy the final hope

our people make decissions
sometimes they get them wrong
the hungry still stay hungry
the homeless have no homes

our soldiers still are dying
for that blackened blood of gold
our mothers still are crying
separated from lifeless souls

when will the wars be over
silenced without guns
when will my hungry brothers
sit down with us for lunch

brunch rhymes just as "well", and starts with "br" like "brothers" (lunch is for lovers), so why not brunch? Well, I think it depends at what time of the day the wars are over, but if they finish after, say, 9.45 a.m but before, say, 11.50 a.m. wouldn't that be brunch? I am also unsure about your assertion that the homeless have no homes. Is there any statistical evidence to support your argument.

best wishes

Sue

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:07 am

brunch dont got anything to do with it..........

im not a poet.................

im just having fun..............

William · Post by **William** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 2:45 am

"brunch rhymes just as "well", and starts with "br" like "brothers" (lunch is for lovers), so why not brunch? Well, I think it depends at what time of the day the wars are over, but if they finish after, say, 9.45 a.m but before, say, 11.50 a.m. wouldn't that be brunch? I am also unsure about your assertion that the homeless have no homes. Is there any statistical evidence to support your argument.

best wishes

Sue"

Mmmmmmm????????

jimbo · Post by **jimbo** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 3:24 am

thank you...................

Myra · Post by **Myra** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:58 am

Hi William - I thought maybe there was some odd game of tag going on here. First Alan Alda snipes at Mat (tag) - then Mat snipes at Alan Alda (tag) - sue points out Mat isn't playing nice (tag) and then snipes at Jimbo (tag)
I think you missed your turn Jimbo - but then William picked up on it so I guess its Williams turn to snipe.
Oh wait, William you already seem to have sniped at Sue, so is it Sue's turn again?
Sorry, I find this game difficult to follow.

Hi Jimbo - This is an interesting poem - I hope one day our hungry brothers will, just be our brothers and that there will be room at the table for us all.

Sideways · Post by **Sideways** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 8:51 am

Myra wrote:Hi William - I thought maybe there was some odd game of tag going on here. First Alan Alda snipes at Mat (tag) - then Mat snipes at Alan Alda (tag) - sue points out Mat isn't playing nice (tag) and then snipes at Jimbo (tag)
I think you missed your turn Jimbo - but then William picked up on it so I guess its Williams turn to snipe.
Oh wait, William you already seem to have sniped at Sue, so is it Sue's turn again?
Sorry, I find this game difficult to follow.

Hi Jimbo - This is an interesting poem - I hope one day our hungry brothers will, just be our brothers and that there will be room at the table for us all.

Hello Myra, my post was sent with love to Jimbo, sometimes I just don't get the tone right. I hope one day we can all afford our own table so we can sit down separately and eat all our meals there. I don't think it really matters whether it is lunch or brunch. We could eat breakfast and even supper! After we have eaten we can then have a drink, and this would make William very happy!

Sue

William · Post by **William** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:54 am

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The bells, the bells!

Alan Alda · Post by **Alan Alda** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 5:27 pm

Mat, with all due respect, your rhymes are dreadful.

Try writing out what you Really want to say, something Not rhyme-driven and go from there. The title is the least of your worries.

I just don't get on what planet this is a 'snipe.' Seriously. He dragged out a poem from over a year ago that had been praised by someone he holds in high regard which seemed to over-shine a glaring problem with some really bad rhymes which includes 3! uses of the word "too" with only 5 or 6 (I don't recall) stanzas to boot.

I used the word: respect.
I gave tangible advice--something to consider to maybe improve the situation.

The fact he was still holding a torch for this piece after a year was the main reason I said anything. It needs a major overhaul, not more coddling.

This place (poetry specific) is a bigger looney bin than I already thought.

I think lizzytysh should reiterate her personally approved template on how to respond to anyone's poetry. It is precious and exactly what this place needs.

good morning....

Manna · Post by **Manna** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:42 pm

Maybe it's a snipe because it wasn't surrounded with sweetness. For instance:

I now wrote:Mat, I think your poem has a lot of potential. Although the message is nothing new, I'd like to see it developed more deeply for the sake of novelty and individuation of the piece. I'm sorry, but your rhymes are dreadfully repetitive. Perhaps you can rework it. Start by writing out what you want to say, add some weirdness and maybe some language play, and then mould it into a form. Best of luck with it!

Note the "I think your poem has a lot of potential" and the "Best of luck with it!" that surround the harder critical points.

While these things don't have to be heartfelt, it helps if you say them anyway. That is, if you want your crits (which I generally find to be right on) to be taken seriously by the authors whose work you crit. Maybe you can think of it as an exercise in being sweet when you don't think someone deserves the effort. Because, really, everyone deserves the effort. If you practice being the person you want to be, well, practice makes perfect.

Maybe you can write out what you really want to say, and if the crit is, well, critical, then add a bit of sweetness before and after it.

Alan Alda · Post by **Alan Alda** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:18 pm

Manna. Always thoughtful.
Say nice things even if you don't mean them?
Been there done that. It doesn't matter.

And how Lovely to think that disingenuine sweetness for the simple sake of being taken seriously is the prevailing wind. How can anything be trusted in that case? (rhetorical)

cheers,
L

Manna · Post by **Manna** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:23 pm

Alan Alda wrote: Say nice things even if you don't mean them?
Been there done that. It doesn't matter.

Is that the truth? I have had different experiences, I guess. I often find that when I make the effort to be nice, I end up meaning it anyway.

Alan Alda · Post by **Alan Alda** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:26 pm

I often find that when I make the effort to be nice, I end up meaning it anyway.

That's nice.

ciao,
L

Manna · Post by **Manna** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:27 pm

Alan Alda · Post by **Alan Alda** » Mon Mar 31, 2008 10:30 pm

Glad to know I didn't waste a good double-entendre

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