Rain inside my Head

[jill]

Rain inside my Head

I lost my faith at seven
when they said that dad was dead.
I'd have a better time in heaven
without this rain inside my head.

My face looks like it's grinning
but the eyes are cold and dead.
The world outside is spinning
and the rain's inside my head.

"Let go of your illusions."
"Don't believe that God is dead..
But I'm wary of conclusions
when there's rain inside my head.

I escape into a novel
under the covers of my bed.
And my room's become a hovel
The rain's still inside my head.

My therapist blames my mother
for the painful life I've led.
But I no longer loathe her
for the tears inside my head.

My husband he adores me
At least that's what he's said.
I'm afraid that he would scorn me
if he heard the rain inside my head.

If I could let go completely
of the tears I need to shed.
They'd fall down my face so sweetly-
That rain inside my head.

I have a favorite poet
I have a life line on the web
and though he 'll never know it
Sometimes he frees me from my head

Soon I'' ll emerge out of my shadow,
be resurrected from the dead
I know there must be a rainbow
'cause there's rain inside my head.

[Minna]

.

[Myra]

I enjoyed this.
Is it a song?
If it's a poem, I would like it better with less repetition and rhyming, but thats just my personal taste.

[Alan Alda]

jill~
I think you've done a pretty good job of setting a pattern and the rhymes are not overwhelming.
One thing I'd look for are cliches and see if there is another way of saying what you want or if the idea as whole (that is leaning on a cliche) is maybe too tired altogether.

L

[philrose]

Excelent poem. I can relate to this completely

[jill]

Thanks for your feedback Minna, Myra, AA and Philrose.

I had fun writing this poem even though it is about depression, not a fun topic. Yes, it is meant to have the rhythm of a song.
Alan Alda, I took your suggestion to heart and used quotations around the cliches to indicate advice given me by clueless people with good intentions. I am looking to tighten up the poem - omitting unnecessary verses.
Jill

[Alan Alda]

Hi Jill~

I'm not at all unfamiliar with your subject matter. All too well acquainted, unfortunately.

I appreciate your attention to detail and taking what I said as something worth considering. It's so easy for cliches to become invisible because that is what they are: empty words.

Watch out for things like:
land of plenty
cards I've been dealt
etc

I see you put some cliches in quotes but not all...but I'm not sure if you were done with the task (of cliche fixing). So, I mention these few.

Have fun in your revision.

Laurie

[mat james]

Hi Jill,

"rain inside my head" is a great phrase/line for unceasing thoughts.
And I like to see repetition
and sometimes rhyme.

Most poems need work, as does this one.
For me; it's foundation is strong.

"rain inside my head" is mantra-esq.
Sogyal Rinpoche (The Tibetan Book of living and dying) implies that each one of those "drops"(thoughts) is a seperate entity and the job of a meditator, is to slow the drops down, watch each drop, then take that "road less taken" and move in between the drops/thoughts; sneak into a "gap" between the thoughts (drops) and ....see what you find. Perhaps peace and more.

I do like that image of "rain inside my head". And it lends itself to the patter of rythm and rhyme/song.The metaphor works beautifully, for me.

Matj

[Manna]

What would you think of retitling it Brain Rain?

ok, just kidding.

[jill]

Manna,
maybe the title should be "brain drain in the rain"

Matt,
I appreciate your meditative approach to the poem. I do believe that it would be healing to try to view even a torrential rain as a series of raindrops/thoughts . If I understand you correctly, identifying each raindrop in a nonjudgmental manner could turn down the static. Maybe life would be more manageable/peaceful..

I've taken out some of the cliche-ish verses and added two more personal ones. Jill

[mat james]

Soon I'' ll emerge out of my shadow,
be resurrected from the dead
I know there must be a rainbow
'cause there's rain inside my head.

One can be economical.
eg:
Emerging from my shadow
resurrecting from the dead
I see rainbows
raining in my head.

or;

shadow emerging
from the dead
rainbows
raining in my head.

Here is one "methodology" of "experimenting"a poem:
It may lead nowhere, but sometimes it helps to rid the poem of all but the rudimentary thoughts.
And maybe some poetry/line will jump in from some unknown zone.
Therefore cut out all the "and", "the", "of",(etc) words possible. Then take a hard look at what is left and what it is that you are saying.
Then rearrange what is left.
You may have a useful group of words called a poem at the end of it.
Sometimes just a few lines survive the cull.
Always hang onto your original draft so you can return when you have lost your bearings.

You may end up with a load of crap also.

But at least you have your original to go back to.

For me, It's all fun!

Matj

[lizzytysh]

Soon I'' ll emerge out of my shadow,
be resurrected from the dead
I know there must be a rainbow
'cause there's rain inside my head.

I prefer the flow of hope and ability to see and nearly laugh at oneself that comes with this way of expressing it.

I like the image that "Rain Inside My Head" brings... it's a continual kind of sadness and lack of sunshine, as well as a continuous interruption of visuals and sound.


~ Lizzy

[Alan Alda]

Soon I'' ll emerge out of my shadow,
be resurrected from the dead
I know there must be a rainbow
'cause there's rain inside my head.

Mat, tweaking two cliches still leaves two cliches.

emerge out of a shadow
Cliche.

be resurrected from the dead
Cliche.

Jill, I still think you did a great job with the repitition and rhyme. Maybe this is done? It's so personal, I'm not going to comment anymore on the content.

Maybe next time you are inspired to write a poem, you'll stop and consider if what is falling in your lap is a 'cliche' or not. Sometimes it is really hard to undo stuff, especially after you worked so hard on the form. And again, since this is obviously a personal pondering, you need to do what you need to do.

cheers,
Laurie

[Sideways]

"Mat, tweaking two cliches still leaves two cliches." said Laurie. This is mathematically true.

But the excitement of posting poems, the possibility that your latest will be acclaimed, it's all too much for most posters.

Some will flood the board with 100 poems and lose the chance for most of them to be read properly. Quite illogical. A poem a week is enough from any writer.

Others find it hard to change their original. Revising is not nearly as much fun as first time around writing.



Sue

[Alan Alda]

Dear Sidewinder Sue~

I just don't know where you get off being all logical and realistic and observant.

That shit is frowned upon around here.