Black bird

[Joe Way]

Flannery O'Connor:

"she grabbed up the broom and began to thrash him around the shoulders with it."

Now, Fljots, I can see, that there is no way to get any sense out of you, even if you were beaten with a broomstick.

Bee

Love,

Joe

[Boss]

Now bee, settle. It is true I wrote a more lengthy, nasty post and then deleted it yesterday afternoon. My reason is this - it singled out a religion, I presume your religion; Christianity. A religion I have much respect for. I dug in at the falsity of many Sunday worshippers, their finest clothes and such expensive cathedrals. And as I dug, I was digging in at you. I didn't like it. It felt wrong. I do have an admiration for Yeshu'a (Jesus) and I try to listen to his teachings such as 'Love your enemies'; thus this post in reconciliation.

I also questioned "You" bee. I wondered what had happened to you as a child to make you so bloody angry as an adult. I am not ashamed in any way of asking people how their childhoods were. It is so utterly important that we get an insight into how we may have been injured - when you're 7 you often can't digest or fight the pain that is all around you. Most people get angry at times. I did yesterday. But not consistently; I don't think I've ever read a loving thing you've written.

I would say "let's be friends bee" but I know there is no point. You tend to think you have one over me and that's okay. By the way, my days of impressing 'girls' are well passed. I only love one woman, and it's she I'll always love.

Boker tov, or good morning bee

Boss

[bee]

Same to you, Joe
Love

[Boss]

Okay, very rarely .

For me, this thread is over. Yes I am the mouse, you are the cat. I grant you that Sylvester.

Come get me.

[bee]

Boss, please, don't be so sensitive-it is just a cyber, just like a dream, you wake up, and there you go-you do what must be done. I am your friend, there is no reason to be your enemy. You haven't done any wrong to me, why should you be my enemy?
I am not angry, I never was. I have explained it to Tchoco, some time ago, before you ever were on this Forum-and she got it. I'll do it know one more time-if my posts are edgy, confrontational, as some might see it, it is no anger there-it means, I am mentally and intellectually aware and alert. I do not come to this forum to write love letters, or to receive any. what I am looking for is some intellectual stimulation, which is not very often there. If it is not there, I am bitching, does not mean anger. However, I've come to love many people on this forum, without expressing any love, because it does not matter to my purpose. Perhaps, the visits to this forum have developed into some kind of routine, which I don't consider a bad thing, I do like routines. About love-it is not a habit of mine, to express theses ambiguous feelings. For me it is more like for Eloisa from "My Fair Lady"- don't talk about love, just show me". As far as Forum goes, there is no way of showing love, just a worthless talk, so, as Eloisa, I would rather spare that asset of mine to a life around me.
About my childhood- I would find it rather inappropriate to ask a person that sort of question. Because, I am a grown women, with two grown up sons. I have cared for them and lived for them, which surely did involve a lot of love and caring. More appropriate would be a question, if I was a good mother? Accordingly to the words, expressed by my sons, I was. They say, they love me dearly. But, just to please you, I will answer your question about my childhood. Yes, I had a happy childhood and the best parents, one can wish for -- Elizabeth and Herbert fon Widau. God bless them for ever and ever and let them rest in peace. They are the true Saints in my heart and mind.
There is no problemo Boss, just that I have to concentrate more on my work, instead of writing silly posts, that perhaps is a problem, I would have to deal with it in my nearest future! The best to you in Australian spring time, I was there in January this year! Was lovely!

[Byron]

Byron wrote
Quote:

Bipolar disordered individual
with 'periods' of mundanity
awaiting muse at workstation
once more without feeling
I wish.

Boss-read again what Byron has written. This a the only explanation I am having to all of your preaching and teachings Rolling Eyes
_________________
bee

Bee,

Bipolar helped me see into G-d's essence in ways you could not imagine. In psych wards I learnt more in 3 weeks than I did for years. There was so much pain in there, so much spiritual anguish. Whether I was high or low, there was always this incredible sense of camaraderie. We were living on the edge and yes, some thought they were Jesus Christ! But hey, that part was difficult for me, I was a Jew. I spent time in 'isolation' a couple of times. Very scary. No way out! "You take your fucking pills from the doctor's hands, the door's locked there's no outside" is a line from one of my older songs.

As I told Lizzy, I think, my doctor has levelled me out with a good selection of medication. I have been fine for 8 years. And while the predictability of the days is welcome, I sometimes hanker for the days when I could 'be in G-d's lap' and really feel it. Alternatively, I never want to return to those dark days of depression. They were indescribable.
Paralyzing. Unforgiving.

I noticed Byron's short poem some time ago. Not sure if I fully understand it all (I'm not too cluey with poetry) but I can say one thing, I await my muse too; I have for such a time. Sorry if my 'preaching' distresses you bee, you'll just have to bear it!

In peace

Boss[/i]

It is a long and very lonely road. Actually, 'aloneness' is a more fitting description. To sit at my computer screen and wait for the essence of originality to bubble up to the surface can take for ever. Medications can leave one in the land of the 'mundane.' A safe place to exist, but just that! Just to exist. The balance betwixt sanity, creativity, chemical imbalances, emotional self-blackmail, perceptions et al., is never achieved. Yet, the falling off and decrease in medication, allows the originality to awaken again, and with any luck, return to entertain me and thee.

I wrote this following piece some time ago, addressed to my prison psychiatrists.....and any place where one is held against one's will, is a prison.......hospital, clinic, institutions of many kinds, (some failing in their kindness!) wherever one feels trapped. Even while alone in a crowd or surrounded by friends in a dream.

They’ve read the books
And done the tests
They’ve looked inside my emptiness
They’ve turned each page
And scanned the lines
To weigh my worth
Compared my crimes
They know me well
Their eyes unseen
Do they dream the dreams I dream?
Have they screamed the screams I scream?
I think not
I think not
Take your tomes
On brains and bones
Take your texts
And write abstracts
This soul is not for learning.

I have to be brutally honest here. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are very lucky. If you do have some inkling of why I had to write these pieces, you have my empathy.

[lizzytysh]

Dear Boss ~

I'm very impressed by your openness and willingness to share a significant part of your personal history, knowing ~ no doubt from previous experience ~ that some others may take it up as a weapon to brutalize you with it. It takes a lot of personal strength to share, what remains with many, a stigma; and an area that represents a lot of personal pain, as well. The status of one's mental health, chemical balances, or whatever the source, is not a matter of choice [unless from a karmic standpoint, with lessons for this lifetime]. It just happens, or it just is, and you deal with it, in the best way[s] you know how. You have my respect for being so willing to knowingly make yourself vulnerable here.

Love,
Lizzy

I like Tchoc's application of the idea of 'Oneness' worldwide ~ I believe our best chances for success lie in the area of 'Acceptance' rather than 'One Belief' ~ unless that 'One Belief' is to 'Accept.'

[Diane]

Joe Way said:

Flots and Diane, I admire the emotional freedom that your atheism has brought you-I am certain any benign, loving creator would want this for you.

Thank you Joe. Thanks also for the ending of that story you brought here.

Fljots said:

You take care on that bike, you hear me?!

OK. I don't take too many risks. Just enough to get the adrenalin going .

I used to ride a motorbike, but the only potentially serious accident I had was on a bicycle I lost control of. I hit a wooden fence instead of a wall. Trashed the bike. I was ok.

Yes, it is always good policy to crash into things with a bit of 'give' in them! Glad you were OK!

So, you used to ride a motorbike . Once I was determined to pass my bike test, but it is one of those things I never got around to. In my younger days I used to choose boyfriends with motobikes as a matter of policy. Tell you what, if I win the lottery, I'll buy us a couple of Harleys and I'll meet you at the services on the M5 and we'll ride to Berlin together .

Take Care,

Diane

[Diane]

Boss and Byron, thank you for sharing your stories of the tortures of bipolar disorder. I read 'Touched with Fire' and 'An Unquiet Mind' by Kay Redfield Jamison a few years ago, and was stunned to read about the true and intractable nature of the disorder, the crucial role of medication (and the way the medication can also 'dull' the mind), and also the number of eminent poets and writers who have struggled with bipolar (e.g Lord Byron, William Blake, William Wordsworth, John Keats, Virginia Woolf).

I remember the concluding chapter in 'An Unquiet Mind' where she talks about the blessings as well as the traumas of pipolar from her own personal perspective, and concludes that she would not wish to be without the illness. Here is part of what she says:

As a result of (this illness) I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; worn death "as close as dungarees," and appreciated it - and life - more; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of loyalty, caring and seeing things through. I have seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they are...but I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know...I have been aware of finding new corners in my mind and heart. Some of the corners were incredible and beautiful and took my breath away...some were grotesque and ugly...I cannot imagine becoming jaded to life because I know of those limitless corners, with their limitless views.

Both of you have some wonderful things to say, as well as some torturous feelings to report, so I am guessing that possibly you would agree with Ms Jamison?

In any case, I agree with Lizzy, it often takes courage to admit to having had mental health problems. I don't mind telling people that I had therapy to recover from problems caused by the trials of my childhood. I would not go into details in public because it concerns other people. I am proud that I took care of myself in that way.

I think Boss was willing to make himself vulnerable here because he is an optimist (we can see that from his other writings ) and he knows that most (say nine out of ten) people will treat you well when you open up to them. Most people treat other people well, here and elsewhere, and thank god for that.

Love,

Diane

[lizzytysh]

That is a stunningly beautiful ~ and elucidating ~ passage, Diane. Thank you very much for quoting it here. It's enough to heartily recommend the book; and enough ~ I hope ~ to bring at least a measure of compassion and admiration for those here on the receiving end of denigrating remarks, as a result of revealing their living with bipolar disorder.

Good on you for working through your own childhood issues through therapy. Sticking through that process can be difficult, as well. [I wouldn't be surprized if that's no news to you, either.]

Love,
Lizzy

[Diane]

Hi Lizzy, thanks, and yes, the experience was very difficult at times, particularly at the beginning, but ultimately, my relationship with my therapist was deeply healing, and absolutely priceless .

Love,

Diane

[lizzytysh]

deeply healing, and absolutely priceless .

A relationship to be treasured with a therapist .

Love,
Lizzy

[Byron]

As a result of (this illness) I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; worn death "as close as dungarees," and appreciated it - and life - more; seen the finest and the most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of loyalty, caring and seeing things through. I have seen the breadth and depth and width of my mind and heart and seen how frail they both are, and how ultimately unknowable they are...but I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know...I have been aware of finding new corners in my mind and heart. Some of the corners were incredible and beautiful and took my breath away...some were grotesque and ugly...I cannot imagine becoming jaded to life because I know of those limitless corners, with their limitless views.

Forgive me for re-quoting this piece. It is what I was attempting in my own simple way to express when I wrote:

"once more without feeling
I wish"

Trying to get the chemical balances correct is like standing atop a vertical, wooden pole.

Too much medication and a sea-fog (thanks Keith) engulfs one's mind.

Not enough medication and burn-out courses through one's mind.

Take away some of the medication, or a small amount of it, and my world bursts into a kaleidoscope of nothing but, feelings. You wouldn't believe the experience of it.

The trick is to capture the moment and join those feelings up with words. In Contact, starring Jodie Foster, she plays the part of a hard nosed scientist, who finally emerges into a stellar dream-like-sequence, and says, "They should have sent a poet." If you can recall the film and that sequence, you'll have some idea of how magnificent the updraft of Bipolar is.

How many of us have dreamed that we are flying? A feeling of total freedom without constraint or restraint. However................the down-draft..........I won't go there this evening, to the elephant house, where even the sh1t is cared for better than one experiences.

Thank you for bringing Jamison to my small computer screen, in my monk's cell, somewhere in Caer-Lleon.

[lizzytysh]

Dear Byron ~

I've known this is an issue with you, but not to the extent you're suggesting with what you've been saying recently. You seemed to be more plugged in with the depression/fogged aspects, when you've talked about it.

~ Elizabeth

[Byron]

Oh no!!!! don't mention that phrase in here.........plugged in.....not a good choice of words........pass the bottle Matron!! Matron, why are you wearing rubber gloves.......again?

Elizabeth, I have no control over when and how my emotions will behave. My self-preservation mode has just kicked in as can be seen from my immediate reply, in my first paragraph of this posting.

The mind can play tricks with us all and right now, my mind is going down the comedy route (pronounced rooot) to divert itself from the elephant house.

Therapy works, BUT it requires one to revisit and open up, old scars. Not a pretty sight. The mind can and does nudge one away from the deep drops that are always there, waiting to drag one back in. The balancing act is taking place right now!