Lion the Lycanthrope wrote:
>Geoffrey, do check your spelling. Obviously you meant "third world" to describe the view of my friend, Jason.
Sometimes people mean exactly what they write. Women fans of Leonard often ask me: "Why did he dedicate that song of his to an absent mare and not an absent stallion?" So I always answer: "That song is just an allegory, about a female who left him." Then they say: "But that is derogatory; how could a meticulous wordsmith like him refer to us women as mares?" And I say: "Well, what the hell are you, then?"
A Lovers Dilemna
Re: A Lovers Dilemna
philrose wrote:A critique would be most welcome
General thoughts (remember a critique is just someone else's opinion, and this someone else still has a long way to go herself - so grain of salt and all that)
I think this about a young man contemplating his past failures with love and his confusion between love and lust, I’m not sure that his number of lovers seem believable but then perhaps this is a young man imagining himself in the future as an old lonely man.
I found the you of the poem to be a bit confusing – if the ‘you’ was referring to a one true love, to god, to his penis or love itself, perhaps it’s the ‘she’ that walked past the candle – if the later is the case you may want to work on tense to maintain consistency . The candle by the way was my favourite character from this piece, I would have liked to have read it from the candles view (I’m not being sarcastic, I liked the candle, I liked that he seemed to be reaching out for the woman, but I didn’t really feel anything for the narrator) .
A Lover's Dilemna
A simple candle burning shadows across a barren window
. . . (an okay start – could be the beginning of a story)
Flames flickering and dancing, hoping to catch the corners of a lonely lovers eye as she walks proud but shattered on the sidewalk below
. . .( 33 syllables – some of your lines are exceptionally long, extra line breaks would make it easier for the reader )
The night grows older as memories of forgotten women grow warm yet colder
. . .(I was interested but you’re losing me here - memories of forgotten women - ? do you really want me to be contemplating how N is having memories of something he forgot? warm yet colder – I get what you mean but immediately following memories of forgotten women seems like overkill)
A whisper breaks from a glass of yesterdays wine and memories unravel in turmoil
The memories command the answer that makes sense beyond the curse of wine
Are the memories yours or are they still prisoners of mine?
. . . (Sometimes I like repetition of key words for effect; I don’t think it’s working here)
Will you take them from me or shall they stay within my coil?
All the lovers I’ve ever lost rest their ghosts beneath the bed sheets
. . .(good line – I don’t think you need the word ever)
Still smooth as they lay upon the pillow and drag their breasts across my chest
And the candle burns so pure and naked and yet it burns as if it’s lost the strength of trust
My lovers are all entwined and confused by my struggle between love and lust
. . .(they’re not confused they’ve simply forgotten about you and are having more fun on their own – sorry couldn’t help myself, It is what I thought when I read)
If I should forget the names of 1 or 2, I know I will always remember the name I always called you beneath my breath
Footsteps and fingerprints hide beneath old photographs, catching memories as they fall from silent eyes down across lips scarred by lies
. . .(http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/memories - I like fingerprints hide beneath [old] photographs your showing us his feelings )
I’m going to stop here (time) but I wanted to point out that I enjoyed the line ‘Lonely is the room from the chair where I sit and stare’. I like the personification of objects around the narrator, I think that’s an excellent way to reveal to us how the narrator is feeling. Also the Stanza that begins ‘so while I await…’ contains far to many manys, but I think if that stanza was it’s own, as a separate piece you could make it work.
all the best
Cate
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Re: A Lovers Dilemna
Geoffrey and Lion, why did you guys not become school teachers when you grew up?
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Re: A Lovers Dilemna
when I grow up I want to be Geoffrey
Lion
ps Tinds, I'm still waiting for that Jack L gig to be confirmed before I book flights.
double ps, it's spooky that a poster doesn't bother to correct the mistakes in the title of his poem. maybe he thinks he knows how to spell because he once got a dilpomna in English, ( I hope that wasn't an undiplomnatic comment )
Lion
ps Tinds, I'm still waiting for that Jack L gig to be confirmed before I book flights.
double ps, it's spooky that a poster doesn't bother to correct the mistakes in the title of his poem. maybe he thinks he knows how to spell because he once got a dilpomna in English, ( I hope that wasn't an undiplomnatic comment )