It's all black and white

[Alan Alda]

Two Ravens rolled like
Puppies in the fresh snow and
Flew away like Gods.

[Manna]

Was it your intention to write a haiku/senryu or did this just happen upon the syllable count? Shall I crit it as a haiku? Do ya give a flip about crits?

[Alan Alda]

It's a planned haiku.
Crit away if you'd like.
If you can figure out how not to end line 2 with 'and' I'd be really grateful. I'm working on putting together a handful of raven haikus.

L

[Manna]

I have an acquaintance who knows lots and lots about haiku, so what I will say is based on what I've picked up from her. But before I begin I want to say that I don't often agree with her regarding poetry.

Haikus don't use similes. That's the major flaw of this. They use simple, concrete images, sometimes images that go together or that sharply contrast to make some kind of point. A haiku is a metaphor, often for something abstract. Leonard said it once - a small thing that stands for all things. Yours has that part just fine, I think. They also don't use punctuation, and they don't have titles, though more famous ones are often known by their first lines, as if that is the title. I don't know if you intended "It's all black and white" to be the title or not.

I made a feeble attempt, but I don't know how to go about rewriting this.

I have a thing for crows, and by association, ravens, them being so visceral. Something going through a transformation of being visceral, then playful, then godly is really nice.

[Manna]

I wasn't comfortable with what I wrote there, so I did a bit of looking and depending on the source, simile can be acceptable, even in traditional Japanese. I wonder what Marion thinks about that. haha.

oh, another thing is that they are written in present tense, not past tense.

you may want to check this out. It's a stupid looking webpage, but it's actually a good article.

http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/ha ... urga.htm#6

[William]

Two Ravens rolled like
Puppies in the fresh snow and
Flew away like Gods.

Laurie you asked about possible ways to avoid the 'and' at the end of line 2.
A suggestion:

Two Ravens rolling
like Puppies in the fresh snow,
winging up like/as Gods.

Though I'm not happy even as a draft with line 3.

Now, a question:
Can/do ravens roll like puppies.
The cross-breeding of the ravens and puppies doesn't quite work in my reading.

[Alan Alda]

Hey manna~

Thanks for the thoughts on this.
Actually, it is a bastardized (americanized?) version of a Haiku.
the simple, elementary: 5-7-5
I know it is a very complex art form; one that folks specialize in specifically. I've no interest in that.

No it does not have a title...it was just an offthecuff topic name. I'm working on getting something like: Eight Ravenous Haikus as an umbrella for the set.

BTW, I took a walk and found: "off" if they 'fly off' instead of 'away' I can tweak that 'and'
Details, details.

Appreciate your efforts and glad you like the subject. They are quite hilarious rolling around, twiggy-feet in the air...

L

[Alan Alda]

Hi William~

My post to manna crossed-paths with this...

Thanks! I like your idea of changing the 'tense' and getting the new line 1. I might switch to it--thanks.

About the puppies. Yeah, I know it is asking a lot of the reader. They were the squirmiest, most playful thing that came to mind and it was that 'action' that was driving my intent...I am asking the reader to take that leap. But, yes, they really do roll and squirm around like that.

Thanks for taking the time. It's been helpful!

Laurie

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Laurie:
Two Ravens rolled like
Puppies in the fresh snow and
Flew away like Gods.

William:
Two Ravens rolling
like Puppies in the fresh snow,
winging up like/as Gods.


My effort:
Two ravens rolling
puppies in new fallen snow
fly away as gods


What the heck.. makes an interesting exercise...

[Alan Alda]

My effort:
Two ravens rolling
puppies in new fallen snow
fly away as gods

Hahaha. I can't imagine the puppies cooperating...but it is a funny vision.

For some reason this made the two "like"(s) I have in my original version stand out as obnoxious...needs fixing...