Desire

[In_betweenthegrey]

Desire

Forget whatever it was i said last night.
The wine and your presence make me weak,
and i cannot afford to give myself to you.
It took too long to build these walls,
and my veil of excuses is not thick enough
to stop you from seeing my heart
spilt out like ink on each brick

I should not have brought you here
its too dark
and your light only blinds my purpose
and makes me forget the reason for being

Please
there is too much tied up in love and in torture
and i cannot bare to live in either anymore
i do not have the right to complicate such simple beauty.

By Tina Lea

[lizzytysh]

Hi Tina Lea ~

Thanks for posting your poem. I can very personally and directly relate to what you're expressing. I used to use the brick wall analogy regarding how I built a fortress of self-protection and, even after years, when we would be with each other, all it took was giving in to the removal of a single brick and the whole wall came crashing down. It had only been a thicker and differently-coloured veil. Still, I recognized the need to rebuild... perhaps, more mortar next time would make it what it was intended to be.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

Hello Tina. What kind of responses most interest you?

[In_betweenthegrey]

Manna

Its not about what responses i'd like to hear
for if it was then i would be setting up the game not playing it.

Tina

[Manna]

Ha! Great response, Tina. Good for you.

I enjoyed how it opened, though the authority in line one never returns. I wanted to tinker with line 2 for more alliteration, and building a wall around your heart is a cliche. If you have a wall around yourself, a veil seems a silly addition, but it is another cliche anyway. I recently read something (can't remember where, maybe here) about seeing people through cigarette smoke. As if seeing them through a window with a glare. Wow. We have all built walls, as Lizzy illustrated. If your going to write about putting something around yourself, I hope it can be something I haven't thought of before. Or, if you're going to use a wall, use it in a way I haven't thought of. Maybe you can build it out of something impossible.

The sentiment of the poem is something we can all relate to, and it's written in a way that is easy to understand.

[In_betweenthegrey]

Manna

Line 1 and line 2 are followed through with lines 13 and 14
and you may tinker away if you would like.
but as for cliches as you say, now manna there is not much we can do about that is there?
because all things share a common reality. the words we use to describe our individual feelings have been used by someone else somewhere and are learned, unless of course you can come up with something I have not seen or heard before.

I could probably take out veil and replace it with: and my mortar of excuses is not thick enough

hence indicating that the glue that holds me together is not strong enough to keep from being penitrated by her beauty.

[Manna]

actually, technically, basically, hopefully, the bottom line is that you can avoid cliche in writing, if you give it the old college try. But you don't have to if you don't want to.

[In_betweenthegrey]

Desire

Forget whatever it was i said last night.
The wine and your presence make me weak,
and i cannot afford to give myself to you.

I've spend too many years
tangled up in velvet and thread
trying to cloak my loneliness
only to have you
change my velvet to lace
and expose pieces of me i wish to remain hidden

I should not have brought you here
it's too dark
and your light only blinds my purpose


Please
there is too much tied up in love and in torture
and i cannot bare to live in either anymore
i do not have the right to complicate such simple beauty.

By Tina Lea

[Manna]

well, that's considerably more interesting!

[In_betweenthegrey]

I actually had a hard time with that one and originally titled it unfinished so i thought i would throw it out there so thank you for the challenge

[lizzytysh]

Ive spend too many years
tangled up in velvet and thread
trying to cloak my lonliness
only now to have you
change my velvet to lace
and expose peices of me i wish to remain hidden

Beautiful imagery that really works! Much better than brick walls, et al.


~ Lizzy

[In_betweenthegrey]

thanks lizzy

[lizzytysh]

You're welcome, Tina Lea. I was just returning to add that it was well worth your effort.


~ Lizzy