We Were Married

[Jimmy O'Connell]

This poem is a companion piece to The Umbrella, a previous posting.

We Were Married

We were married when we were nine years old,
by her brother, in her front garden.
He wore a red table cloth around his shoulder,
held a teacup for a chalice
and a wad of home made bread.

Greta and I held hands -
on her wrist a bracelet of buttercups,
her mother’s borrowed ring on her finger;
but when it came to “and now
kiss the bride” we blushed and could not kiss.

I met her at a funeral of a mutual friend
many years later, her eyes still sapphire
enwitching; her hair curled and raven;

we smiled in the delight of a reacquainting,
shook hands snugly, but did not kiss.

[Red Poppy]

" met her at a funeral of a mutual friend
many years later, her eyes still sapphire
enwitching; her hair curled and raven; "

Jimmy
might I suggest you look at the word "enwitching" - I don't think it works and I suggest "the funeral" rather than "a funeral"...unless the friend had two funerals.

[mickey_one]

This poem is a companion piece to The Umbrella, a previous posting.

We Were Married

We were married when we were nine years old,
by her brother, in her front garden.
He wore a red table cloth around his shoulder,
held a teacup for a chalice
and a wad of home made bread.

Greta and I held hands -
on her wrist a bracelet of buttercups,
her mother’s borrowed ring on her finger;
but when it came to “and now
kiss the bride” we blushed and could not kiss.

I met her at a funeral of a mutual friend
many years later, her eyes still sapphire
enwitching; her hair curled and raven;

we smiled in the delight of a reacquainting,
shook hands snugly, but did not kiss.

Hi Jimmy, I can't remember if you ticked the box for real crit. or the box for friendly commments only.

here are some quick thoughts.

This piece has almost no rhythm. It reads just like prose broken into short lines. I can't see the point of breaking up a simple narrative.

The story has potential but it does not feel at all original. So you need to bring it to life. Some of the words are rather dull, "delight" and "snugly" for example and "reacquanting" is a real plodder, I'm afraid.

Let me search for a poem I wrote a few years back which is on a similar theme. I am not saying it is better but at least you have the chance to comment on my effort. All I remember about it before I search is that "hundreds and thousands" was a phrase of no interest to Americans who didn't know it as the cake topping.

more later.

[Red Poppy]

Did you have your cake & eat it mickey?
Actually- maybe you shouldn't answer that

[mickey_one]

Jimmy- here it is. pretty similar. too many adjectives early on. as I read it I realise that the biggest problem I have with yours is that the writing gives me no feelings at all about either of your characters.

__________________________________________________________

There’s a yellow sodium moon
slicing through cracky branches
of stripped December trees.
And the walk back
is jagged, although the road is straight,
and no-one is talking sense
but that’s my kind of language anyway.

Ditches issue invitations,
mud waits to entertain me
with dry leaves for a blanket.
And we go in a rowdy row
of old jokes and playground songs
that make us young for one more night.

Reunions are always risky.
I calculate that Junior School debt,
spent on the wrong sweets,
to be worth hundreds and thousands
at today’s prices.

And I also calculate
that if the prettiest 12 year old girl
had let me kiss her just once then
she would be long forgotten,
instead of 40 years of dreams
and a warm fear to take her hand even now
as I move so close behind her
on a friendly black curve home.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Red Poppy you are right about "the" funeral.
I'll hold onto "enwitching" until something else turns up...

I had a queezy feeling about this one. I let it out too soon. Usually I let them ferment for a bit longer. But rushed it.
I take your point Mickey, it is too prosey, and I suppose I used "enwitching" as a way to spice it up. Didn't work.
Thanks. Will go back to the poetryboard...

Just a quick read of your "There's a yellow sodium moon"... I'm reckoning we both are making the same mistakes. I'm not "in" there with you... but I need a few more reads of it...

Jimmy

[mickey_one]

Red Poppy you are right about "the" funeral.
I'll hold onto "enwitching" until something else turns up...

I had a queezy feeling about this one. I let it out too soon. Usually I let them ferment for a bit longer. But rushed it.
I take your point Mickey, it is too prosey, and I suppose I used "enwitching" as a way to spice it up. Didn't work.
Thanks. Will go back to the poetryboard...

Just a quick read of your "There's a yellow sodium moon"... I'm reckoning we both are making the same mistakes. I'm not "in" there with you... but I need a few more reads of it...

Jimmy

I think I would prefer a simpler
" her eyes still sapphire
shining..."

thanks for response, you're a "mensch".