Finding my way

[raggletagglegypsy]

Finding my way

Tracing the contours of your body
for the first time
searching your eyes
for a glimpse of your heart
sampling the words of love
from the corners of your mouth

Holding my breath and you
trapping your scent deep inside,
hoarding it for the lonely days
In your arms, being and longing
belonging at last

While memory swoops and gathers,
indexing, cross-referencing,
frantically plotting a lodestar,
marking love’s co-ordinates
sketching a map
to guide me back to you

[lizzytysh]

Hi Raggletagglegypsy [what a name ] ~

Not too raggle taggle with your words! There are people here who are knowledgeable in poetry and can analyze what you've written from that perspective. I'm not one of them. However, I can tell you what I like and why.

I like the way this freshly sets the tone of your poem with the newness:

Tracing the contours of your body
for the first time

I like the way you use words to bridge concepts with consistency, such as this:

searching your eyes
for a glimpse of your heart

I like the way you've expressed this idea of anticipating your aloneness and storing up what's good, to get you through:

hoarding it for the lonely days

and the way you merged words for fullness of meaning,like this:

In your arms, being and longing
belonging at last

also the way you've described so well how our minds engage and work in hopes of satisfying our desire, for example:

While memory swoops and gathers,
indexing, cross-referencing,
frantically plotting a lodestar,
marking love’s co-ordinates
sketching a map
to guide me back to you

So, there are my comments. Welcome to the Forum .


~ Lizzy

[raggletagglegypsy]

Thank you Lizzytysh for your comments and your welcome. I don't know much about poetry either. It's odd to see the words on the screen. They seem different when their on paper - seem to me to be lacking energy or something here! Guess it's a learning experience.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Gypsy ~

Perhaps, you have more of an intimate connection with the paper... hence, the strength of the energy is more immediate and feels stronger. From what I've gathered, Leonard still carries his notebook[s] and writes on napkins and placemats and other scraps of paper... whereas, he could carry a laptop for that purpose and eliminate all of those. In any case, it's definitely a learning experience.


~ Lizzy

[Sebby]

Finding my way

sampling the words of love
from the corners of your mouth

Absolutely loved these lines.

Well done!

[raggletagglegypsy]

Cheers Sebby

[damellon]

I really liked the last verse......would like to think that's how we lay down happy sense memories.

[lizzytysh]

Last edited by raggletagglegypsy on Mon Aug 13, 2007 10:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

What did you change, Raggletaggle? [Your name is so fun to say ]


~ Lizzy

[raggletagglegypsy]

Nothing in the poem. Only deleted the request for comments. Glad you like my name. You know its an old folk song. Wife of rich man prefers to follow love and run away to live with the raggle taggle gypsy. Live in hope that love might triumph over money.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Raggletaggle ~

Not sure why you'd delete that ... anyway, I'd love to hear that song ! Another "Gypsey Wife," so to speak?


~ Lizzy

[jimbo]

you poem was really nice.not that i can poetry.but it a nice newness, freshness,
"Trapping your scent deep inside,
Hoarding it for raing day.s

Didnt Christy Moore sing the raggle taggle gypsy Oh?
DANCE. DANCE, WHERE EVER YOU MAYBE. I AM THE LORD OF THE DANCE SAID HE..

And hi everyone.............

[raggletagglegypsy]

Ta Jimbo for your comments. Song was done by the Waterboys and planxty, I think. Loads of people play it.

[dangermouse]

Raggletaggle,
you asked what I thought, so here's what I think
two things strike me about your piece.
I like the first two-thirds.
I feel, however, that all the emotion and sexuality is on, about and from the recipient, you have opted out of writing from the heart (or the crotch) and written from the head.
Apart from oral sex, the head should never feature in erotic poetry.
Secondly, that last verse is a cop out - it's an accountants account of sex and has nothing of the passion and wetness and power that eroticism (on the page or the sheet) should have.

[raggletagglegypsy]

Well Dangermouse - you have been generous in your comments and have given me lots to think about - thanks for that.