Official Announcement

[damellon]

Think I'm left talking to myself here but any thoughts anyone on

Suddenly one summer
On Hydra
I shall dress up as a
burlesque artist

Have I gone too far? Is the whole spirit compromised?
Apologies, Mickey_One but you weren't here to guide us through the maze that is your artistic impulse. Maybe tomorrow?

[blonde madonna]

Damellon you have made amazing progress here with very little help from our enigmatic cross dresser. I think we should hold on to the word 'poem', may be in the title?
'the announced poem' perhaps?

[Manna]

I'm only responding this time because I feel the time has come to make my own announcement, and that is of a pet peeve I have with poets who think they're doing something impressive when they leave a preposition or an article at the end of a line with its object on the next line, or worse yet in the next stanza for no apparent effect, meaning or reason that I can fathom. However, I think the idea of making some line breaks may be sensible for this poetry-by-committee piece. An announcement is often made on a small piece of paper or in a classified ad where a single long line simply wouldn't do. nope nope nope. I like the addition of Hydra - well done. You're not talking to yourself, unless you are, in which case, I'll shut up. But I prefer the idea of dressing up as a poem.

Suddenly one summer
On Hydra, I shall dress up
As a burlesque poem.

Hmmm... are we approaching haiku?

[Manna]

ps. please don't take my snotty snootiness as if I really mean it.

[Christine]

Hello Manna. I did take your introduction of 'burlesque' into the poem under deep consideration (while I ran out for sugar) and think the word in itself may be a touch awkward for the simplicity of the work. For instance, there's a certain place the writer takes us to in his clever play on words like 'a, I, up, as, shall,' etc. I mean, does it really fit? What d'you think?

Excellent in-depth analysis, Damellon. Let's look at it again: "Suddenly one summer I shall dress up as a burlesque poem." Yes, I believe you're on the right track. I'm not 100% convinced yet that it's age related but such struggles. Should he do this thing? Or not? And when? Now? Then?

I love poems like this where you feel the writer's pain. A fine piece of work indeed.

[blonde madonna]

Manna, how about we throw out more words?
one summer
on Hydra, I shall dress
as a burlesque poem

Still there damellon? We need you.

[Manna]

I love that you've hacked the word "up." Not only was it grammatically incorrect, but it was also doing bad rhythmic stuff. But suddenly? I shall spill my guts: I recently saw a video of Billie reading his poem, which I think goes by this name. And I thought I would die a death of hysteria. He reads it as thought it's the most serious thing in the world. I can't remember the real poem, but the flavour of it was like:

Suddenly I was at the supermarket
replenishing our supplies,
when suddenly I turned down the pet aisle
and suddenly saw cat food.
Suddenly I realized we needed
more cat food, so I suddenly
put some in the cart.

OK. I'm killing it. I'll go find it. brb. apologies, apologies.

[Manna]

Tension



“Never use the word suddenly just to
create tension.”

—Writing Fiction



Suddenly, you were planting some yellow petunias

outside in the garden,

and suddenly I was in the study

looking up the word oligarchy for the thirty-seventh time.



When suddenly, without warning,

you planted the last petunia in the flat,

and I suddenly closed the dictionary

now that I was reminded of that vile form of governance.



A moment later, we found ourselves

standing suddenly in the kitchen

where you suddenly opened a can of cat food

and I just as suddenly watched you doing that.



I observed a window of leafy activity

and, beyond that, a bird perched on the edge

of the stone birdbath

when suddenly you announced you were leaving



to pick up a few things at the market

and I stunned you by impulsively

pointing out that we were getting low on butter

and another case of wine would not be a bad idea.



Who could tell what the next moment would hold?

Another drip from the faucet?

Another little spasm of the second hand?

Would the painting of a bowl of pears continue



to hang on the wall from that nail?

Would the heavy anthologies remain on their shelves?

Would the stove hold its position?

Suddenly, it was anyone’s guess.



The sun rose ever higher.

The state capitals remained motionless on the wall map

when suddenly I found myself lying on a couch

where I closed my eyes and without any warning



began to picture the Andes, of all places,

and a path that led over the mountain to another country

with strange customs and eye-catching hats

suddenly fringed with little colorful, dangling balls.

[Manna]

So, my reasoning is that the word suddenly must suddenly appear in this poem, maybe:

one summer
on Hydra, I shall dress
suddenly
as a burlesque poem

[damellon]

Sorry had gone to bed and just came down to check the back door was locked........thought you guys were all gone home.....do I need my teeth for this?
I think the last version, is it Blonde Madonna's? (though we do have artistic differences when it comes to the singing abilities of Mr Zimmerman) has a universal quality about it. Since the poet's ultimate aim is the wider audience, I think Mickey_One would see merit in this version. Do we have a consensus? Manna? Christine? think Dangermouse is probably studying something so we can't wait for her. All in favour say aye! Loudly, because I haven't got my aid in. Manna - you have gone way up in my estimation - Billy Collins - marvellous....... right, whatever he says is OK by me. Does he say anything profound about burlesque, Hydra, dress... any of the words in our (sorry Mickey_One's) poem?

[damellon]

Jesus - where did the suddenly suddenly come from? Don't you think it's a bit abrupt? The mood of Blonde Madonna's was ethereal......I liked it better.

[damellon]

Are you going to be much longer with your 'Ayes'?

[damellon]

Sorry - realise you're all considering, and Manna is checking the index for any relevant references but may we reconvene tomorrow? Nearly 3am here. Have to go.
Work away if you wish, just don't go to print 'til I have a look in the morning.

[Manna]

Hey, just suddenly trying things.

one summer
on Hydra, I shall dress
as a burlesque poem

If we're here to make a good poem, then yes, I think this version is the best so far. But if we're here to play and have fun, and in the spirit of Cohen, don't you think we should keep this thread going at least a little longer? Do we have to vote now?

[Christine]

Let's make sure we got it right for mickey_one....

From "Later this summer I will write a poem" to:

one summer
on Hydra, I shall dress
as a burlesque poem

Yep, I think all the elements of our poet's original intent are still intact but I'm struggling with 11 words. Can we make it 10?

one summer
on Hydra, I shall dress
a burlesque poem

Your thoughts, por favor. And are we all sure we can't get wig in there somewhere?