Flowers for pennies

[lazariuk]

I thought I should move this as I didn't want to overstay my welcome

Jack,
I played a little with your poem from page 3 of this thread.

The Flower of Truly Meeting

A penny for your thoughts I said to her
she took it beckoning me to watch where she would place it
At the mall in the plexiglass covered reception of charity
went my penny and we watched it spiral out of sight
She turned to me and she was just as clear
Showing me where every word I spoke to her was travelling
I was moved to the depths by the care she gave every utterence
You are just as clear she said to me
and it allows me to enjoy every word I give to you
How can we hold to such beauty I asked
She gave me a Golden Splendour
A flower that blooms for one day
She smiled and was on her way
Jack
Does anyone know how to turn this into a poem? I think it has some potential

The Flower of Truly Meeting


A penny for your thoughts

...She took it!
beckoning me to watch
where she would place it

At the mall
in the plexiglass covered reception of charity
went my penny
and we watched it spiral
out of sight

She turned to me
just as clear
showing me where every word I spoke
was travelling

Moved to the depths
by the care she gave
every utterance:
"You are just as clear
and that
allows me to enjoy every word
I give to you "

How can we hold to such beauty?
I asked

That Golden Splendour
that flower that blooms for only one day
smiled
and was on her way .



I hope it helps you work more on this lovely poem Jack. Mat J.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Jack ~

When I saw your thread title, I figured you must have moved your poem. My concern was that you had changed the poem's title. It appears, however, that you haven't?? I hope not... as I much prefer the first.


~ Lizzy

[JiminyC]

I really like it. Cheers.

[lizzytysh]

Jack said:

. . . an experience to be like a cotyledon that appears and disappears but will lead to something else in the future.

... and my very best to you with your horizons, Jack .


~ Lizzy

[lazariuk]

A penny for your thoughts

...She took it
beckoning me to watch
where she would place it

At the mall
in the plexiglass covered reception of charity
went my penny
and we watched it spiral
out of sight

She turned again to me
just as clear
and I saw where every word I spoke
was travelling

and I was

Moved to the depths
by the care she gave
every utterance:

she said to me

"You are just as clear
and that
allows me to see
the movement
of every word
I give to you "

Can we hold to such beauty?
I asked

She smiled
and was on her way.

Should I think of
a Cotyledon
so much a part
of the seed
with such a short life
and so very common?

or a Cotyledon Ladismithiensis
so threatened with
extinction
and so very rare?

or both?

[lizzytysh]

A very effective way you went even further into the plant world to make an even greater point, Jack .


~ Lizzy

[Bedros Afeyan]

How about?

Flower Me Verbatim

A penny for your thoughts: I said to her
Beckoning to watch what it would replace
At the mall in the plexiglass covered receptors of charity
went the penny to spiral away from sight

With her you could see where every word through her would travel

The joy she allows, to coin the journey of every word giver her

How can we hold to such silent beauty?

She gave me a Golden Splendour
A flower that blooms for one day

She smiled and knew love could not last intensely

But for a day of malls, misses, adieus

[lizzytysh]

Hi Bedros ~

Welcome to the Forum . It was thoughtful of you to get involved with Jack's poems. Your last line makes a somehow clever and literal point; however, I prefer the wistful nature of the poem with the ending Jack gave it.


Jack ~ I also prefer the breaks and punctuation that Mat gave your poem. For me, it indicates and allows the pauses [think 'verbal white space' ] that create the feeling of slowness of thought, pondering, and reverie.


~ Lizzy