13 aeroplanes later

[mickey_one]

I revised that poem. I think it is a bit better, comments welcome.





Victim


at the centre and
at the edge
the bereaved is the pity-star
of any decent trial

robed in shiny black
your feelings are wiped
by easy tissues
and water is taken
to dilute emotion

performance is judged
by the award
of judicial lollipops,
the top prize being
an acclaim
of "your remarkable dignity”

your dead child
would be proud of you

(or dead husband, wife, partner,
delete as appropriate).

[Partisan]

Could you post the original here, please? I really can't remember how it differs, that is to say i don't really remember anything being wrong with it.
As for constructive criticism, adding that bit of parentheses at the end just detracted and removed some of the weight.

p.

[muddy]

Hey, Mickey.

13 aeroplanes later is a great tittle! I know a song which the singer meassures time with the ashtrays he's filling.

"I don't Know how long I've been waiting for her,
just a coffe that is already cold and a lot of ashtrays"

"Yo no sé si hace mucho que la espero,
un café que ya está frío y hace varios ceniceros"

[mickey_one]

Could you post the original here, please? I really can't remember how it differs, that is to say i don't really remember anything being wrong with it.
As for constructive criticism, adding that bit of parentheses at the end just detracted and removed some of the weight.

p.

I know you are right. I should either resist the "delete" play or resite it. ta.

[mickey_one]

Hey, Mickey.

13 aeroplanes later is a great tittle! I know a song which the singer meassures time with the ashtrays he's filling.

"I don't Know how long I've been waiting for her,
just a coffe that is already cold and a lot of ashtrays"

"Yo no sé si hace mucho que la espero,
un café que ya está frío y hace varios ceniceros"

he waited, I guess, because she had a great pair of tittles...

[mickey_one]

Could you post the original here, please? I really can't remember how it differs, that is to say i don't really remember anything being wrong with it. p.

the original was


at the centre and
at the edge
the bereaved is the most inconvenient
feature of a trial

there may not be a handbook
with a guide
to controlled denial
of reality,
perhaps it is just tradition
that demands it

feelings are guarded
by ready boxes of tissues
and water is offered
to dilute emotion

performance is judged
by the award
of judicial lollipops,
the first prize being
an acclaim of
of “your remarkable dignity”

your dead child
would be proud of you.

[Partisan]

Comapring the two, it is much improved. I don't need to tell you that 'robed' is good, and i do like the use of 'decent' playing against the indecency of the actions that would have led to a trial. I just have this feeling that there is the possibility of making the water imagery a little more explicit, that is to say the tears being wiped and the water being drunk. I know using 'tears' would say less than feelings, so i can't really help you further, assuming that is what you wanted. You know very well i can't write poetry, although i have studied it a little.

p.

[mickey_one]

Comapring the two, it is much improved. I don't need to tell you that 'robed' is good, and i do like the use of 'decent' playing against the indecency of the actions that would have led to a trial. I just have this feeling that there is the possibility of making the water imagery a little more explicit, that is to say the tears being wiped and the water being drunk. I know using 'tears' would say less than feelings, so i can't really help you further, assuming that is what you wanted. You know very well i can't write poetry, although i have studied it a little.

p.

thanks for the feedback

michael