On Seeing Stars

babz · Post by **babz** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 12:08 am

C'est vrai!
his hand descending endlessly
in that
split second
and then
truly
stars
exploding in blackness
equaling my incredulity
and wonder
at being thus
struck

his hand falling in judgement
reigning blows
another fall from
innocence
for
both
while
faintly
in the background
mal entendu
"my sword it lies broken
and cast in a lake"
sordid lies broken under impotent vengeance

and flashing with the stars
through
my
broken
mind
indomitable
Inspector Clouseau
the audience breathless
expectant
apogee dramatique
"he killed her in a
writ of fealous jage"

was it only five minutes ago
I murmured:
I can feel the steel mill in your arms
my darling...

Barbara

Byron · Post by **Byron** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 12:33 am

Babz, you must miss him terribly. I'm thinking of you.

Sue · Post by **Sue** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 1:10 am

I think this is only the second of your poems I have read, but I do like them. They are very cinematic (is that the right word??) - I get very clear pictures anyway (tho probably not the ones you intend..)

Sue

Sue · Post by **Sue** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 1:19 am

...and there's always the idea of a very clear plot somewhere, but the sensation is very much that of having come in in the middle of the film (so you are aware of having to work quite hard to catch up). Perhaps that's what I meant by cinematic, creeping between the darkened seats trying to make sense of what's happening on the screen. And it's not just this one, the other one was like that as well - where you were bathing in the river.

(an afterthought)

babz · Post by **babz** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 3:56 am

I now have a new descriptive term:

Byronic

You Brits!

Sue, thanks for the comments. A writer's group
I was in made a very similar
observation about my work as... not self-reflective but
more a presentation of vignettes.

I work

to distill an experience into a poem.
I hope you don't mind doing a little.

And my position is, once the poem is out there,
it belongs to whomever reads it and they are
free to make what they can of it.

I appreciate both your responses.

Barbara

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 5:21 am

Dear Babz ~

This seems to me a very insightful [with powerful immediacy, internal conflict, and irony], inward-looking-outward description of a domestic violence episode.

~ Elizabeth

babz · Post by **babz** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 7:45 pm

Exactly, dear Elizabeth. Wow, you distill a lot better than I do!

Warmest regards,
Barbara

Pete · Post by **Pete** » Wed Jan 29, 2003 9:19 pm

Babz
Can I ask a question?
Well I will anyway.

Was it deliberate to have
'... sword it lies broken...'
followed soon by
'....sordid lies broken...' ?

It immediately leapt out at me.

Love the way you have a word per line...truly effective.
I can learn so much from you...saves me going to a class

Pete

babz · Post by **babz** » Thu Jan 30, 2003 2:13 am

Hi Darlin' Pete
It was purposeful and I hesitated...
wondering if it was too blatant

The line quoted is from Donovan's
Sunshine Superman album: the song
Legend of a Girl Child Linda

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/donovan/23412.htm

A beautiful fairy-tale contrasting with reality.
But the Princess did wake!

I always struggle with line breaks.
They drive me nuts.

Thank you for your comments.

Love
Babz

Kush · Post by **Kush** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 6:03 pm

babz....i followed the link and read the lyrics of the song. In some way it reminded me of Gordon Lightfoot's 'The Pony Man'. It is one of my favorite fantasy/children's songs.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Jan 31, 2003 9:14 pm

Dear Babz,

With a little more time on my hands [though not much], I was heading down here to assist with the proliferation of your name in this section ~ a distinction once held by me

~ however, I see two have already been to the rescue.

Regarding your response to my distillation, some things are simply never forgotten and, in their way, will forever resonate. I understand.

My warmest regards, as well,
Elizabeth