Hymn of Time

[Zoltan_from_Hungary]

Hymn of Time

Though I feel you in my soul,
I can’t catch you anymore,
You are changing all the time,
You always pulse and never die.

You are the Time itself,
Your body is the waving air,
Your soul is in every cup of wine,
Your heart is the beat of Time.

How can I get close to You?
How can I say something new?
Every time I hear You,
Everything I want to,
Everywhere to be with You.

Your heart is the beat of Time,
Your soul is in every cup of wine,
Your body is the waving air,
You are the Time itself.

You always pulse and never die,
You are changing all the time,
I can’t catch you anymore,
Though I feel you in my soul.

How can I get close to You?
How can I say something new?
Every beat of Time
Makes the Earth turn round,
It’s the only Rule of Life.

Your blood is the falling rain,
Flooding on the window-pane,
Your body is the waving air,
Music is the Time itself.

[Zoltan_from_Hungary]

This is a tribute to the Time, which we like to waste for useless things.

[Critic2]

Hymn of Time


Though I feel you in my soul,
I can’t catch you anymore,
You are changing all the time,
You always pulse and never die.

You are the Time itself,
Your body is the waving ear,
Your soul is in every cup of wine,
Your heart is the beat of Time.

How can I get close to You?
How can I say something new?
Every time I hear You,
Everything I want to,
Everywhere to be with You.

Your heart is the beat of Time,
Your soul is in every cup of wine,
Your body is the waving ear,
You are the Time itself.

You always pulse and never die,
You are changing all the time,
I can’t catch you anymore,
Though I feel you in my soul.

How can I get close to You?
How can I say something new?
Every beats of Time
Makes the Earth turn round,
It’s the only Rule of Life.

Your blood is the falling rain,
Flooding on the window pain,
Your body is the waving ear,
Music is the Time itself.

Zoltan (who, I think, comes from Hungary) asks "How can I say something new?". I suggest you check your verse before you ever post and see if you can replace every clichéd image with something original. This is time consuming if you are currently programmed simply to rehash old images and hurry to the end of a poem, as if completion is itself a result. But you will thank me if you make the effort.

Why talk about "falling rain" or the "beat of time" unless you can share a fresh insight on such old ideas. Only an excellent and experienced writer can compose sensible lines about the soul. For the rest it is invariably Hallmark or drivel.

Ironically, although I am sure it is just a language "problem", you do offer plenty new with spelling such as "window pain" (the hurt that comes from smashing your soul against glass?), or "every beats of time". If the poet doesn't take the trouble to go through their work word by word to avoid distracting errors then it's no encouragement to the reader.

I also strongly advise that you take time to see if your words and the poem as a whole make sense. Why is her body like a "waving ear", (a horrible and ugly phrase anyway)?

Challenge yourself to scrap 10 poems of this quality and, in their place, write one, if not 10 times better, then at least twice as good. More careful presentation alone will probably achieve that. Original, imaginative thinking could help you to improve much further still.

Good luck

C2

[Martine]

deleted.

[Critic2]

A blast from the past ~

Hello everyone, this is my first post I am so glad to be in the poetry forum, as I have just written the first of many poems I hope to be bringing you.
I notice that you have a Critic2, and I am sat here in much hope and trepidation as I offer up my first piece of poetry!
Here goes...

Two tears race down her cheeks
And reach a chin
Where they meet in the middle
And drop off as one
Splashing onto an empty white page
Feelings shrivelled
Like dead spiders legs
And heartstrings.


Well, what do you think of that?
.....................................

NO, NO, I really don't want to hear! Now then you rapscallion, I see that you haven't changed much.

hey, Martine, welcome back! your own unique style of everything will, once again, waken the dead and scare the children, excrement!

[Zoltan_from_Hungary]

Hi Critic2,

I’m Mosóczi Zoltán from Hungary.

You are absolutely right. Not only the phrase “waving ear” is horrible and ugly, but my English as well. The correct phrase is “waving air”. Instead of “window pain” the correct version is “window-pane”

Anyway, we can measure the time, but we can’t define it. We can’t perceive it. We can’t touch, see, hear, smell, taste etc…

My conception is that Time and Music are one and the same phenomenon. Time is not part of the objective reality. It is created by the mind.

No Music, no Time! No Time, no Life! No Life, no Music!

This is not a poem, but a lyric of a song, and it is nothing all about, but I tried to dress the time up.

Thanks your advices for the future, and now I’m going to correct the fatal (spelling) errors.

See you

[Critic2]

Hi Critic2,

I’m Mosóczi Zoltán from Hungary.

You are absolutely right. Not only the phrase “waving ear” is horrible and ugly, but my English as well. The correct phrase is “waving air”. Instead of “window pain” the correct version is “window-pane”

Anyway, we can measure the time, but we can’t define it. We can’t perceive it. We can’t touch, see, hear, smell, taste etc…

My conception is that Time and Music are one and the same phenomenon. Time is not part of the objective reality. It is created by the mind.

No Music, no Time! No Time, no Life! No Life, no Music!

This is not a poem, but a lyric of a song, and it is nothing all about, but I tried to dress the time up.

Thanks your advices for the future, and now I’m going to correct the fatal (spelling) errors.

See you

Hi Zoltan, having corrected other spelling errors it never occurred to me that "waving ear" was "waving air"!

I also hadn't realised these were song lyrics, that makes a lot of difference. A decent song can occasionally get away with talking about the soul!

good luck and btw is Mosóczi a male or female name?

C2

[Zoltan_from_Hungary]

Is Mosóczi a male or female name?

C2

Hi C2,

neither of them. Mosóczi is my “last” name. In Hungary we write first our last, and last our first name, like in Japan. My first name is Zoltán, it came from the Turkish Sultan, so I am male and I live in Budapest, I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful sons.

Can I be impudent?

Would you be so kind to look at my others works (all of them song lyrics), and tell your critics about them?

I’m curious to know the opinion on my works of someone whose mother tongue is English.

Thank you in advance and btw is C2 a male or female name?

mz

[Critic2]

Hi C2,

neither of them. Mosóczi is my “last” name. In Hungary we write first our last, and last our first name, like in Japan. My first name is Zoltán, it came from the Turkish Sultan,

of course, otherwise why would you introduce yourself on the Board that way. brain slowed by the surprising sun here in England today.


Can I be impudent?

Would you be so kind to look at my others works (all of them song lyrics), and tell your critics about them?

no problem, but today so far I have been watching the cricket whilst pretending to work, later I really must work.

I’m curious to know the opinion on my works of someone whose mother tongue is English.

very welcome. I'll do my best

regards