deleted

[jim]

deleted

[Critic2]

Father Cohen

Leonard Cohen stayed in the room
next to mine in this Mumbai hotel
maybe I’ll find myself here
maybe his cigarette ash
blew onto my balcony
Leonard in his late sixties
me in my early thirties
a small span of time
in the mirror of history
a small span of time
to the neighbouring houses
I see him now as vague
as when I found his book
in a second hand shop in Victoria
a boyish face peering out
from the early sixties
when poetry was like Bombay
full of crumbling buildings and crows
as I rode the Cook Street bus
to my grandmother’s house

Hi jim

some comments below but I mention first that I don't like the title at all. It reminds me only of the brilliant Lewis Carroll rhyme and I can't stop re-writing your opening lines as "you are old, Father Cohen, the young man said" ....


Leonard Cohen stayed in the room
next to mine in this Mumbai hotel
maybe I’ll find myself here

this doen't make sense. find yourself where? you are/have been already in the hotel. do you mean in Leonard's room. then you would write "there" not "here".

In any event, it's a prose opening which is a flat statement, no imagery or interest.

maybe his cigarette ash
blew onto my balcony

maybe it did, but that's not particularly interesting. if he left a notebook of his early drafts of songs or poems, now *that* would be interesting. Maybe a single page escaped and you read the scribbles "Kareem takes me down to his place by the stream" or "now the flames they swallowed Noah's Ark"


Leonard in his late sixties
me in my early thirties
a small span of time
in the mirror of history

what is a "mirror of history"?


a small span of time
to the neighbouring houses

compared to the neighbouring houses, is that what you mean? at the moment it reads as if the cottage at the end of the row turns to the maisonette next door and says "do you know, in my opinion, it's only a small span of time" and maybe the cottage replies "yes, particularly in the mirror of history".


I see him now as vague
as when I found his book
in a second hand shop in Victoria

just narrative, no art. and I am afraid it's just not interesting. tricky to stimulate with "vague" as your description.


a boyish face peering out
from the early sixties

repetition of sixties.


when poetry was like Bombay
full of crumbling buildings and crows

I don't necessarily know what this means but it's a very welcome use of imagery.

as I rode the Cook Street bus
to my grandmother’s house

I recognise the style of the ending, an attempt at poignancy but it's quite meaningless. your grandmother has no place in this poem at all. maybe with a lot of work you could have connected her age with Leonard's but you don't try.

I like your idea of staying in a next door hotel room to Leonard Cohen. it would be a great topic for a poetry comp. on this forum. what do you think, do you want to lend us the subject? I'd love a go when I have more time.

[jim]

thanks for the attention. it was stupid of me to post this awful poem, but what the hell.

[Critic2]

thanks for the attention. it was stupid of me to post this awful poem, but what the hell.

well, jim you are very welcome. but you came up with a good idea and also some interesting imagery towards the end, so maybe work on that and see how much you can improve.

and I will float the idea of a comp. on your subject and let's see what others think.

and, for what it's worth, I agree with you- what the hell!

[Martine]

[Critic2]

now look here, Martine! you must not already start getting depressed at the thought of another comp. or I will suggest the topic as "what has Martine been doing in the last 6 months, and is it fattening, illegal, or both?"

[Snow (retired)]

Is Jim upset?

[Critic2]

Is Jim upset?

hi stirrer, bad luck- Jim is cool. in contrast whoever heard of snow being cool?

[Snow (retired)]

Critic2 wrote:
>Jim is cool.

Could've fooled me. Looked like he went off in a huff to me. You sure you didn't hurt his feelings? How come he gave a curt response to your critique and went back and deleted his poem then?

[Martine]

[Martine]

[Snow (retired)]

Martine wrote:
>I used to be a poet ~ yes me. But I was so badly wounded one night, by the hurtful words of C2, that I developed 'poets block'. I never fully recovered.

Yes, he did exactly the same to me as well. I used to be bubbling with such confidence. Now I am too scared to say 'Boo!' to a mouse. He probably didn't get enough hugs when he was little. Cor, I bet he was the proverbial unlikeable child. He said to Jim that he didn't even like the title even! I don't reckon we'll be seeing a whole lot of him back here ever again. I saw that he also had a go at Hungry Zoltan, but that ghoulash-eating butcher of the English language just palmed him off with a bit of successful psychological manipulation. It's going to be extra hard for C2 to criticise him next time - ha ha! By the way, I see that our two posts were sent at precisely the same time, and yet mine appeared ahead of yours - even though 'Snow' comes alphabetically after 'Martine'. Is there a logical explanation to this - or am I just a born winner?

[linda_lakeside]

and I will float the idea of a comp. on your subject and let's see what others think.

and, for what it's worth, I agree with you- what the hell!

I agree. What the hell! Float it.

Linda.

[Critic2]

Snow ~ I used to be a poet ~ yes me . But I was so badly wounded one night, by the hurtful words of C2, that I developed 'poets block'.

I never fully recovered.

M, he went for it! I told you I could always predict Geoff's behaviour!

[Martine]