a poem for mr cohen

woody · Post by **woody** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:50 pm

victory spirit

the silent ones
they do dispose
by spoiling their
victory clothes

in the daylight hours
their winnings brought
they tether the world
in binding laws

strive as we might
to leave this scene behind
they'll forever chain us
to their crimes

but we glean our treasure
in the midnight oil
to move ourselves
beyond these walls

and you brought along
works of a higher design
they threw from above
a savours line

for that i thank
your spiritual touch
that has no need for a
material crutch.

-

thought i'd like to post this... just finished, i apologise for any bad spelling etc.

hleonard · Post by **hleonard** » Sun Aug 21, 2005 11:20 pm

This is the best poem I've read from this website. It flows nicely, has an intriguing theme, and makes good use of diction. The last stanza, however, I find breaks too suddenly via the introduction of the first person.

woody · Post by **woody** » Mon Aug 22, 2005 3:45 am

thank you hleonard, that's kind.
i agree the last stanza is a jolt. i wrote this fairly quickly and was suddenly impelled to write something very direct, worried as if my point had not been made by then. a rewrite would surely change this.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Mon Aug 22, 2005 4:11 am

I liked this poem as well, Woody, the painting also.

Linda.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Mon Aug 22, 2005 3:53 pm

Ah, yes! I just clicked on the painting link. Very nice. Fresh colours and spirit going on there.

Yes, I liked the sentiments expressed through your poem. I also liked you final stanza, jolt or not. But, guess you'd best go with the more expert in the realm of poetry

. It should take much in the way of a rewrite.

~ Lizzy

woody · Post by **woody** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 4:36 am

hi thank you for your comments, they were very kind.
buried beyond that painting is a load of poetry and the start of a book i've written (if the link still works) if you ever get bored and want to look, i'd like to know what any of you think of it. there's much cohen inspiration along the way, in the title no less.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 8:41 am

Woody,

I found it! It never occurred to me to click the pic! Ha! But when I did, what a cornucopia of art! and inspiration.

I'll have to wait until tomorrow to give it a thorough look-over as it's getting late now, but I'm glad you mentioned it.

Linda.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:45 am

Woody, I find the rhythm is out in just about all of this poem. Comments below

the silent ones
they do dispose
by spoiling their
victory clothes

line 3 is too short. say it aloud. the addition of "of" would help.

in the daylight hours
their winnings brought
they tether the world
in binding laws

verse 1 had a simple 2-4 rhyme, this has none

strive as we might
to leave this scene behind
they'll forever chain us
to their crimes

this has a half rhyme

but we glean our treasure
in the midnight oil
to move ourselves
beyond these walls

no rhyme

and you brought along
works of a higher design
they threw from above
a savours line

line 2 is a syllable too long

for that i thank
your spiritual touch
that has no need for a
material crutch.

Woody, the expression "material crutch" is, how can I put this kindly, errr quite dreadful. None of this poem is to my taste, little of it makes sense. There is no stimulating imagery at all. But I am delighted others like it. Thanks for posting.

Regards

c2

woody · Post by **woody** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:59 am

i was waiting for someone like you to show up. and now you have, thanks.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:39 am

Woody, I enjoyed your response much more than your poem!

I never expect much of a return for my investment in offering crits. But there are a few posters here who are keen to improve their writing and it is greatly satisfying when they consider comments made on their efforts.

Tri-me · Post by **Tri-me** » Wed Aug 24, 2005 3:45 am

Nice very nice bugs and fishes

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Wed Aug 24, 2005 4:42 am

I have to admit it, C2, you've been handing out some good crits lately.

Linda.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:47 pm

linda_lakeside wrote:I have to admit it, C2, you've been handing out some good crits lately.

Linda.

that's very kind of you! but having sat in pouring rain to watch a Barnet reserve match today my reward is to go on yet another holiday tomorrow. so now is a good time to write whatever you want without needing to ignore damn critics pointing out faults! you all have a week off!

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Thu Aug 25, 2005 12:57 am

* And the crowd cheered!!*

Enjoy your time off.

Linda.

woody · Post by **woody** » Thu Aug 25, 2005 3:54 pm

thanks to every one for their responses,
dear c2, thanks for your time... a few comments.
i agree with rhythm being off and i don't particularly feel like defending it.

those comments were useful but the rest i found misleading. you have a peculiar attitude, you must upset allot of people along your way. is 'material crutch' so dreadful? you protest too much, at it's worse it's a little bland, your disdain is telling. as is your comment that you found other peoples enjoyment of the poem delightful, did you really? were you really filled with delight by that? i doubt it therefore why say it? your attitude at times smells of the once bullied becoming the bully but i suppose anybody who spends there time watching barnet reserves must vent their frustration some place.
i would be interested in you doing a line by line break down of leonard's recent poem never mind, i think that would be revealing.
anyway thanks for the constructive comments they were useful...