Do you still believe in love (Revised)

[Amonynous]

.

[Fljotsdale]

I like the first two verses very much.

I think the third verse need working on a bit. It felt a touch clumsy in the third line. Sorry.

[Critic2]

Hi Vegard, I have the impression that this is a sincere piece of writing by you.

As a poem it's not really beyond a teenager's first lament but here are some suggestions to at least help you improve the rhythm.



Do you still believe in love, after all that we’ve been through
Would you hold me in your arms, no matter what I’d do


would and I'd are uncomfortable after the first line. bring it to life and away from what sounds like a passionless theoretical enquiry by changing to "will you hold me in your arms, no matter what I do"



Is our flame that strong, can it endure this rain of tears

too wordy, and both flame and rain of tears are very tired images. They will hardly inspire your loved one, you don't want to send her to sleep, surely? there is also something wrong with your use of "that".


Can it live through darkened hours, can it last through years and years

rhythm out, try "can it last the years". "hours" is uncomfortable, "darkened hours" is so uninspiring


Will it still burn bright and faithful, when the storm has passed through town


too much about the flame already, get back to people


Will we find we have not crumbled, when the dust has settled down

"find we have not" is far too wordy and indirect, "dust has settled down" no passion. Is this how you would woo anyone?


And all the promises we made, in the illusive starlit night
Will they mean as much to you, by serious morning light

again, far too wordy, and I'm afraid that "starlight night" is certainly on the banned list of clichés. "serious" is clearly the wrong adjective for your "morning light"


Do you still believe in love, after all that we’ve been through
I would hold you in my arms, no matter what you’d do

well, that makes no sense. what if she walks out on you. how will you hold her then? sometimes in more simple poetry the writer forgets the meaning and concentrates only on making a rhyme. Unless you mean this as an indication that you would always forgive her/him (no idea what gender you are, sorry)


Please remember all the better days, and the joy you’ll leave behind

far too wordy yet again. try "think about our better days, the joy you'll leave behind". The sentiments you express are trite but nonetheless real to many, I am sure. If you choose to write about them then at least make your poem tight and interesting in its rhythm.

Read your 2 lines, then read my suggestion.

Please remember all the better days, and the joy you’ll leave behind
think about our better days, the joy you'll leave behind".



And look me in the eyes my love, when making up your mind

cut the "and", you are stifling any life in this poem.

There is clearly an audience on this forum for this type of verse. Your job is to edit and revise. Make your poem as good as it can be.

regards

c2

[Amonynous]

Hi Fljotsdale

Thanks, and yes I agree that the first two verses are the best ones, no need to say you're sorry



And dear Critic2

While I agree that the whole thing is a bit too wordy, I think the imagery is pretty decent, a bit cliche-like but I think the whole Love/Flame thing works out nice. Also I think that combined with the rhymes (I know you don't like them but some of us do ) it makes for an interesting read

Many of your suggestions are far better than mine and I'll change them later , and yes by "I would hold you in my arms, no matter what you do", indicates that I would forgive her, yes I'm a man , no matter what she does.


I'm not sure I'm comfortable with "a teenagers first lament" but I guess we're all entitled to our opinions


I do have a question for you however, how come you never comment on the things you like and appreciate?, I really appreciate your critique but it feels like you're trying to rip the whole thing apart rather than give it a serious critique. Try and point out things that you like about the poems as well and you'll be taken alot more seriously, at least from my side

Regards

Vegard

[Critic2]

And dear Critic2

While I agree that the whole thing is a bit too wordy, I think the imagery is pretty decent, a bit cliche-like but I think the whole Love/Flame thing works out nice. Also I think that combined with the rhymes (I know you don't like them but some of us do ) it makes for an interesting read

Many of your suggestions are far better than mine and I'll change them later , and yes by "I would hold you in my arms, no matter what you do", indicates that I would forgive her, yes I'm a man , no matter what she does.


I'm not sure I'm comfortable with "a teenagers first lament" but I guess we're all entitled to our opinions


I do have a question for you however, how come you never comment on the things you like and appreciate?, I really appreciate your critique but it feels like you're trying to rip the whole thing apart rather than give it a serious critique. Try and point out things that you like about the poems as well and you'll be taken alot more seriously, at least from my side

Regards

Vegard

thanks for your response, V.

From time to time I do like poems here and find some to my taste. I then make that appreciation known!

Other times I enjoy the exercise of offering crits. and I get satisfaction when I receive in turn mature and pleasant responses like yours.

It's not an act of ripping apart but, (when I have the energy) line by line analysis. The writer does not have to agree with any of my suggestions.

But above all that to watch the improvement of any writer is really stimulating. That is always my hope when I crit. Best of luck

c2

[lizzytysh]

Well, Vegard and C2 ~ I like both renditions . And that's not fence-sitting. I only do that in Britain.

~ Lizzy

[Critic2]

whoops, V. I read your last post too quickly. You weren't asking about whether there were "whole" poems I liked but asking me to comment on parts of poems which I liked as well as offering crits. of other parts. I do that regularly when I enjoy lines, phrases or ideas. It doesn't always get noted by some of the more precious souls here! The most frustrating thing then is when the "wounded" poet rushes off to write another one rather than undertake the hard work of revision, as if they suddenly know their onions (an old English expression but why did I choose it?),

regards

V (who asserts that he is male and has passed the Geoffrey avatar masculinity test. You Norwegians are so full of terestethingy, aren't you)

ps my great favourite singer Jackie Leven is BIG in your country, do you know his music?

[linda_lakeside]

as if they suddenly know their onions (an old English expression but why did I choose it?),

Well, for one thing, they can make a tasty soup. The comments you made about reacting to 'parts' of poems other than the poem 'in whole' is something that must be very difficult and time consuming. Unless of course, one is a 'natural'.

I've liked this poem from the beginning, Vegard, and I like the way you take a 'criticism' like a 'crit' should be taken. Of course, sometimes, a crit can be a little harsh.

On that note, Vegard, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but when I read the first line, actually the first half of the first line, I hear Cher. - Honest. Sorry. I don't mean to laugh, either, but it's funny (to me) but only at this moment. I've enjoyed this entire thread, Vegard.

Linda.

*** I just want to add, that I see you're from Norway, and actually, everyone in this thread isi from Europe, so maybe that song wasn't as big a hit over there as it was here. But every time you turned on the radio here, in North American, that was the song. Without the still. "Do You Believe In Love".. Still, your poem is lovely.

[Steven]

Vegard,

I wonder if "Do you still believe in love" would be better stated
as "Do you still feel in love". People can have faith in the power
of love, yes. But even atheists or agnostics of its breadth and
power can have a Saul of Tarsus lightening-like conversion
when struck by it. It seems that you may be questioning whether there
is sufficient love with "Is our flame that strong.." If so, then it is
not so much an issue here of belief, but of the presence or sufficiency
of love and that's more an emotional state than a belief.

[linda_lakeside]

Well put, Steven. I realize that my last post lacked tact, as it were. It's just that that one song was so blasted into our radios that summer, I couldn't stop hearing it. Even when I turned off the radio, I heard it.

Yet, that does not take away from Vegard's poem. C2 is pretty handy with a crit, when he wants to be. I didn't feel that there was anything that I could add.

I liked the poem from the first time I read it, and I think Vegard did some nice fine-tuning. I hope Vegard will let us in on how he feels about the recent suggestions.

Linda.