Lamentation (29/1/16)

Boss · Post by **Boss** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 2:25 pm

I wonder of the promise
You made to me
It is not real

And I search out
New tomorrows
Fading fast
Faster than friends' success
Than a dwindling bank account
A dog I should walk
A KFC advert

And this poem begs fair play
How much time have I spent
Drenched in this fantasy
A cocktail of failure
and melancholic tragedy?

I've wasted so much
Tasting your wine
But you're not even there
No silence
No noise

You betray me
What have I done?
You betray me
Your cruel lie
Your hoax

I will wake tomorrow
Fresh
But you will slowly tear in at
My battered heart
This plague
This curse

And I tell you
I have no stamina
No courage
For your command
I am weak
Feeble
No David
No Daniel
I am as raw as onion
I quiver in the moon's shadow
Men filled with malice
Petrify

I cannot fight
Nor clench a fist
I cannot scream
For fear of myself
I am timid and shy
I have no strength
left

You plant a dream in a coward
I run from you
I run away

PSALM 143
A psalm of David

Hear my prayer, O L-rd,
give ear to my supplications:
in thy faithfulness answer me,
and in thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgement
with thy servant: for in thy
sight shall no man living be
justified.

For the enemy has persecuted
my soul; he hath smitten my
life down to the ground; he hath
made me to dwell in darkness,
as those that have been long dead.

Therefore is my spirit over-
whelmed within me; my heart
within me is desolate.

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all thy works;
I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto
thee: my soul thirsteth after
thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

Hear me speedily, O L-rd:
my spirit faileth: hide not
thy face from me, lest I be like
unto them that go down into
the pit.

Cause me to hear thy loving-
kindness in the morning; for
in thee do I trust: cause me
to know the way wherein I
should walk; for I lift up my
soul unto thee.

Deliver me, O L-rd, from mine
enemies: I flee unto thee to
hide me.

Teach me to do thy will; for
thou art my G-d: thy spirit is
good; lead me into the land
of uprightness.

Quicken me, O L-rd, for thy
name's sake: for thy right-
eousness' sake bring my soul
out of trouble.

And of thy mercy cut off mine
enemies, and destroy all them
that afflict my soul: for I am
thy servant

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 8:39 pm

This has a nice tone but a few specific comments follow

I wonder of the promise

*of* the promise is rather jarring, "about" would be easier
You made to me
It is not real

it may be more demanding for you but it is way more satisfying if you do some of the work and share the promise. so far, it's vague.

And I search out
New tomorrows- yucky cliché

Fading fast- and another I am afraid

Faster than friends' success

this makes you sound self-pityingly jealous and therefore diminishes a little my interest in your problems!

Than a dwindling bank account

well, it depends on the speed of the dwindle, I would have thought

A dog I should walk

ahem...

A KFC advert

ahem again... are they especially fast, I hadn't noticed. If you really must use a food analogy then "faster than a cheap hamburger" would be a lot more interesting.

And this poem begs fair play

you haven't earned the right to beg yet, that surely follows some "grand" or "deep" writing

How much time have I spent
Drenched in this fantasy
A cocktail of failure

"cocktail" should be on the poetry banned list. a magazine columnist in the UK regularly and defiantly talks of a smorgasbord of emotion, of feelings, whatever, (though never of rye bread and herring)

and melancholic tragedy?

a shade Shakespearian, methink, forsooth

I've wasted so much
Tasting your wine

why was it a waste, isn't wine for the pleasure at the time?

But you're not even there
No silence
No noise

eeek, not even a silent type of noise. I think you have an idea of what you mean to say about the atmosphere but it needs a different expression.

You betray me
What have I done?

we will never know as this poem is all tell and no show. bloody hard to be interesting with mere statements of feelings.

You betray me
Your cruel lie

cliché of clichés

Your hoax

I will wake tomorrow
Fresh

why? if you are hurting this much now why will you be fresh. won't you have a hangover of wine and whine?

But you will slowly tear in at
My battered heart

cliché

This plague
This curse

Shakespearian again!

And I tell you

please stop telling! good writing should instead show its points through clever imagery.

I have no stamina
No courage
For your command

but she is not even there, is she?

I am weak
Feeble

telling not showing

No David
No Daniel

aha! showing!

I am as raw as onion

but not all showing is good. "raw as an onion"???? why not a carrot or a potato, that's what I want to know. Onions are also grilled or sautéed or fried. Was this a choice to make us think of onions and tears?

I quiver in the moon's shadow
Men filled with malice

what men? there has been no hint at all so far of other persons involved in this.

Petrify

meaning malice filled men petrify you? what men?

I cannot fight
Nor clench a fist
I cannot scream
For fear of myself
I am timid and shy
I have no strength
left

are these men attacking you, why?

You plant a dream in a coward

hey! I rather like this idea and you could find some more lines from this idea. But I have to stop myself from continuing- " You plant a dream in a coward, and you get onions", sorry.

I run from you
I run away

Boss, I hope my accept my crits in the well-intentioned way I offer them. Why not try and revise the entire poem. Run with the same idea but spend time killing clichés and finding stimulating ways to show not tell.

regards

C2

Boss · Post by **Boss** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 12:38 pm

Critic,

You miss the boat
Stranded on the pier
You know so little

In peace

Boss

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 2:45 pm

Boss wrote:Critic,

You miss the boat
Stranded on the pier
You know so little

In peace

Adam

Adam, there was a lot of detailed crit. of your poem that you ignore. I feel your reaction is as raw as an onion.

But if the response above really is the best you can do, then so be it and good luck with your writing. May it sail harmlessly on. Personally, I feel rather safer amongst my piers than on your boat.

regards

c2

Perth · Post by **Perth** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 3:04 pm

Boss, your attitude has really surprised me.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 3:16 pm

Perth wrote:Boss, your attitude has really surprised me.

but it doesn't surprise me. I know nothing of Boss. I have been away so long from this Forum. I am not sure I have ever read anything of his before. But it doesn't surprise me, however, because the completion of a poem is so damn satisfying that many writers lose all objectivity about its merits.

It then comes as a shock when crits. start coming in. And then, depending on one's character as well, a writer might be aggressive or defensive or just in denial (whist others are waving from the pier on de Nile) (one of the World's oldest "jokes" btw).

As it is writ in the Holy Book of Michael, Chapter1 Verse 1
"Blessed is he who embraces crits. and responds with a determination to improve. To he shall be given the chance to write better lines and he will grow rich in his old age and will harvest many fields of raw onions."

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:34 pm

I wonder what's with the rolling eyes emoticon. The eyes look kind of still. Shocked or something. They're not moving. Must be the thorazine kicking in.

margaret · Post by **margaret** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:36 pm

It must be just your computer, Linda. Your rolling eyes are still rolling on mine.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 8:19 pm

Strange they're still staring at something on mine. Everything else looks the same though. Maybe I've worn them out.

Linda.

Perth · Post by **Perth** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 11:52 pm

Maybe it's just the cheap booze you were drinking last night Linda.

Hello Margaret.

margaret · Post by **margaret** » Fri Aug 19, 2005 11:55 pm

Hello again M

Perth · Post by **Perth** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 12:00 am

Margaret, if you wish you may call me Vincent, or Vince.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:15 am

mmmPerth wrote:Maybe it's just the cheap booze you were drinking last night Linda.

No, I don't think so, after a cheap booze night, my eyes usually remain closed. For a very long time.

Oh, Perth, I'm just loving your av. Why, oh why, had you not thought of this before? Things could have been sooo much different.

Linda.

Perth · Post by **Perth** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 3:17 am

Linda wrote:

Perth, who is always compassionate, reasonable, insightful, loving and gentle

It may have nothing at all to do with the avatar.
Just an attraction of opposites.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Sat Aug 20, 2005 3:44 am

Perth,

Whatever my hopes may have been, I knew, deep in my heart, that it would come to this. Yet, I cannot and will not rescind the verbal virtues I so happily bestowed upon you. Until your beatification, they will remain.

I can understand your somewhat irritable response. You're probably hung-over now. That's all right as well. Take two aspirin and please, don't forget to call me in the morning. I will respect you, even after this.

Linda.

Lamentation (29/1/16)

Lamentation (29/1/16)

Re: I run away