KILLING ME SOFTLY

[Boss]

The ache overwhelms
I lay on August grass
Dew swept
In ward South 7
My fears kill
my personality
As if an army of demons
crashed my party
This barrage of terror
sprouts through my existence
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
End it

I have weekend leave
The drugs they're in
the drawer
Home
Mum and Jez out
my chance
2 litre jug of cordial
on the dresser
near my single bed
I think of her
Reach for the Prozac
and Largactil
and lithium
Make a well in my doona
Pour them in
100 or so

Do I need to die
Can't cry anymore
blocked emotion
This intolerable pain
Just can't take it
Swallow drink
Swallow drink
Run to car
take off

Wake up
Tubes everywhere
Catheter
Mum and Dad
together again
if for an hour
That's all

4 days in a regular hospital
Back to locked ward PICU
Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit
With all the crazies
I read Jean M Auel
'Clan of the Cave Bear'
Prehistoric life
Ayla
She pulls me through
Imagination

Try again in '98
Unconscious again
Dead again
Wake up
Tubes

7 years pass away
Still ache for her
But now safe in
'the mystic'
Start to walk
Then to run

Just to breathe

[linda_lakeside]

Boss,

Your poem is well titled. Thanks for sharing.

Linda.

[Tri-me]

So much pain. I was touched by the reference to Ayala in Clan of the Cave Bear. She is a great example of inner strength and determination to preservere. Ayala is a hero of mine a great inspiration.