wake tanka

[tom.d.stiller]

wake tanka

i kissed your cold face
for a last hello and sat
down to say good-bye
in a low and hurried voice,
alone with the bear and you

in the hospital
room, your hidden rejection
and obvious love
forgiven. you loved me less
than you said, more than you knew.

your last companion
would be the little teddy
bear your dead hands held,
clinging in desperation,
like they never touched a child.

against me, before
i went to the door, my lips
touched yours one final
time, removed the spot of blood.
then i caressed the blue bear.

i looked back, the guilt
was gone from your sad old face.
"never mind, mother,
the bad joke life played on us,"
i should have said while you lived.

[LaurieAK]

tom~

A lovely read.

I am struck by how important the teddy bear is in this difficult scene. It is a point of diffusing the emotions that could otherwise overwhelm what is happening, a touchstone.

My fave part:

your hidden rejection
and obvious love
forgiven. you loved me less
than you said, more than you knew.

Your poem doesn't become overly sentimental, there is a control throughout.

Thanks for sharing.

L

[lizzytysh]

Dear Tom ~

I can't add to what Laurie's said, and in fact, couldn't have said that much [my non-poetry self]. Due to the teddy bear, I kept trying to find Terry Schiavo in this poem about your mother. I realized my error and fruitless search, and was able to reread it again, in its proper context. You've captured so much of the parent-child, conflictual relationship that lies beneath the surface in such a well done way. It's both touching and moving.

Love,
Elizabeth

[Critic2]

wake tanka

i kissed your cold face
for a last hello and sat
down to say good-bye
in a low and hurried voice,
alone with the bear and you

in the hospital
room, your hidden rejection
and obvious love
forgiven. you loved me less
than you said, more than you knew.

your last companion
would be the little teddy
bear your dead hands held,
clinging in desperation,
like they never touched a child.

against me, before
i went to the door, my lips
touched yours one final
time, removed the spot of blood.
then i caressed the blue bear.

i looked back, the guilt
was gone from your sad old face.
"never mind, mother,
the bad joke life played on us,"
i should have said while you lived.

Tom, I see no advantage in splitting the hospital/room nor teddy/bear. you do it on final/time as well but not on hidden rejection.

this is a nice poem and the genuine feeling behind it outweighs the overused "cold face" in the very first line of the piece.

the 4th verse is messy, cluttered. "against me" is a difficult start and you don't retrieve the rhythm. that whole verse I am trying to retune but the rhythm just won't come.

I also suggest you find something more original for the following verse than "sad old face".

overall, this has real potential and I would read a re-write with interest

regards


c2

[tom.d.stiller]

Thanks to all of you for your comments. I'll do some reworking on the tanka, taking into account your suggestions.

A few remarks for now:

The line breaks go with the territory of a strict syllable count and the traditional form. Some of them, I believe, help create a rhythm, one that has to be broken in the 4th verse, however. (I'd resist breaking "hidden rejection", however...)

"cold face", "sad old face" and "bad joke" will have to be replaced by images that are more precise, more daring. "against me" really is awkward; I'll try to find three syllables to replace it.

Plus a few minor corrections.

To change more would come closer to writing a new poem about the same topic.

Thanks again for being helpful.

Cheers
tom