le jardin

tom.d.stiller · Post by **tom.d.stiller** » Sat Feb 05, 2005 9:52 am

le jardin
on a bee painting photographed

her seventh fruit emerges from the structured
green. this eve of style used pears
for apples and a red dress as extended
leaf. the snake is in the light
of indistinct direction. a left
hand greeting lures or waves. the right
withdraws the offer of a yellow pear.

her enigmatic blue eyes smile
is framed by promising blonde hair
that flows from gold to silver, falls
past enticingly painted lips
to shoulders' slope. the inclines of the chest
lead down a curved body to the
pear of knowledge. then the wooden frame.

the lower
part is lost.

bee · Post by **bee** » Sat Feb 05, 2005 10:03 am

Tom, - amazing, how amazing it is you've written this, just precisely what i meant, all of it. The painting has a title-Eve, but you did not know that, I've sent them to you without titles.
lovely, I feel very happy now, thank you. You really are the POET.
I will tresure this.
Love

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:45 am

HI Tom (and Bee)

The first thing that jumps out at me is of course the title.

Tom, i wonder why you chose to use French to introduce this poem?
Does it relate to the painting itself, which is unseen by your readers?

her seventh fruit emerges from the structured
green. this eve of style used pears
for apples and a red dress as extended
leaf. the snake is in the light
of indistinct direction. a left
hand greeting lures or waves. the right
withdraws the offer of a yellow pear.

This is very descriptive without being mundane.
A couple of phrases might be reconsidered.
In line 2, the word "used" is a past tense (line 1 is present). It could be changed to "uses" or another similar word considered. (?)

In line 6, the word "greeting" mis-represents the ponder to follow. It assumes a greeting but contemplates it being a lure or a wave. It can't be all three and a greeting is NOT lure, etc. This could be restated, keeping the ponder of 'lures' or 'waves' intact.

her enigmatic blue eyes smile
is framed by promising blonde hair
that flows from gold to silver, falls
past enticingly painted lips
to shoulders' slope. the inclines of the chest
lead down a curved body to the
pear of knowledge. then the wooden frame.

Here, in line 1 "eyes" i think should be "eyed." I am unsure of the noun/verb relationship the way you have it.
"...enticingly..." it is just too vague. How about the color? the shape? etc.

Ah. the wooden frame.

Bee, is it possible to post this picture here on the forum?

Tom-great poem. please take my suggestions with a grain of salt!

regards,
Laurie

tom.d.stiller · Post by **tom.d.stiller** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:33 am

bee wrote:The painting has a title-Eve, but you did not know that, I've sent them to you without titles.

First thing to say: Great that you like the words I put together.

No, bee, I didn't know about the title, but "Eve" was the name I'd attached to the woman in the picture.
The jpg you sent me was called "le jardin" - I (mis)took this for the title of the painting. This partly answers Laurie's question.

I believe that this poem shouldn't be published without the photographic view of your painting. I had to make an only exception here.

Thus I ask permission to use the jpg you sent when putting the words on my (small) web site to come, credited to you, of course. (Time scheme: a few weeks, hopefully)

There's still another one among the paintings you sent I might abuse for a poem, but it might take some time...

Thank you for sending me the photographs.

Cheers
tom

tom.d.stiller · Post by **tom.d.stiller** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:08 am

LaurieAK wrote:please take my suggestions with a grain of salt!

Of course, dear Laurie, cum grano salis,

.

I'll reconsider the poem, trying to eliminate the weaknesses you detected without destroying the rhythm.

Thank you for taking the time to go into details again. I know how precious time is, and I really appreciate the constructive and helpful way you reacted on my poetry of late.

Thanks again

tom

bee · Post by **bee** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:45 am

Dear Tom, that is right, I sent you le Jardin, I worked on the painting for some time. It started as Eve, but later on I changed the title-I thought was too obvious. I wanted to conceal a bit . What I was amazed so, that you've guessed it anyway.
I'll send you a better quality photo of the painting as an attachment. In a process of working on a painting I take the photos several times. Than I can see it on computer- what's wrong and where etc.

Dear Laurie- I don't think if that would be appropriate to post the painting on LC Forum. Let's do what Tom suggested.
But certainly I can mail it to you.

tom.d.stiller · Post by **tom.d.stiller** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 10:52 am

just bee sure to give Laurie the same jpg I had... (the frame)...

bee · Post by **bee** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 11:07 am

OK Tom

I'll do that- le frame

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 6:48 pm

Hi-

Tom-the website thingy sounds grand!

Now i understand the title.

bee-can you send an attachment to the PM function here? If not i'll send you my email.

Looking forward to putting the two pieces together

cheers,
L

bee · Post by **bee** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:04 pm

Laurie- no, I can't send attachment to this pm. Send me an e-m and I'll reply sending you attachment.
Tonight.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Sun Feb 06, 2005 9:58 pm

Hi All,

I just stumbled onto this thread just now. I wanted to say to bee, thank you very, very much for the photos you sent me. Your talent is quite remarkable.

tom,
you certainly captured the flavour of something I saw in bee's work.
It's always takes me back a step when you either find the 'right' poem or actually 'write the 'right' poem.

It is truly 'poetry in motion'.

See you all,
Linda.

bee · Post by **bee** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:07 am

Linda- you are so welcome.
Thank you very much for your kind words and appreciation.
I treasure very much Tom's poem- how sensitive he's to color and detail, the whole image as such~ Tom is a true Poet. The intuition, which is a sure sign, in my opinion, to a true Poet.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 5:49 am

Well, thank-you and you're welcome all over again!

tom is certainly taking to your work! A web-site even? That sounds very promsing. I sure hope TOM let's us in on it when it happens!!

Linda.

tom.d.stiller · Post by **tom.d.stiller** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:43 am

le jardin
on a bee painting photographed

her seventh fruit emerges from the structured
green. this eve of style used pears
for apples and a red dress as extended
leaf. the snake is in the light
of indistinct direction, in this left
hand greeting, lure, or wave. the right
withdraws the offer of a yellow pear.

her enigmatic blue eyes smile,
framed by promising blonde hair
that flows from gold to silver, falls
past lips enticingly painted cerise
to shoulders' slope. the inclines of her chest
lead down a curved body to the xanthous
pear of knowledge. then the wooden frame.

the lower
part is lost.

----------------------

This is my current revision.
In line 2 I left the past tense, because it is appropriate, I believe: a dressed eve clearly is "after the fall", so the use of the pear instead of an apple, and at least applying the dress as a cover is in the past.
Line 11: Derived from the verb "to entice", "to provoke someone to do something through (often false or exaggerated) promises or persuasion", the adverb "enticingly" appears to be indispensable. It underlines the ambiguity of eve's attitude. I found it possible, however, to add the color of the lips as a detail by changing the word order without breaking the rhythm and without falling into the cliché trap of "red lips"...
I never liked line thirteen ending with "the", so I changed that as well.

Thank you again for your helpful remarks.

Cheers
tom

bee · Post by **bee** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:46 am

Tom, very complicated for me to understand the poets kitchen, but certainly I enjoyed the outcome. great, lovely, i have to take a second look at the painting

le jardin

le jardin

Re: le jardin