Lovers in Winter (A Haiku Triptych)
The warmth of hell and
The heat of sinful passion--
I touch your body
And get icy chills
That are too cold for this night
As we're together
For now may you see
That the winter was made for
Us lovers tonight
Poem #22
Re: Poem #22
the *warmth* of hell, *warmth*, bloody hell! what is it- tea and toast by the fire, marshmallows, "another chetnut please, Satan" ?Joe Way wrote:Lovers in Winter (A Haiku Triptych)
The warmth of hell and
The heat of sinful passion--
I touch your body
And get icy chills
That are too cold for this night
As we're together
For now may you see
That the winter was made for
Us lovers tonight
I know you were saving "heat" for your sex but you can't have "warmth" for hell, it's just not right. The devil will sue you. What are you, a tour operator? Do you have one of those monthly temperature charts for Hell?
Remember Joe's wise advice at the start of this comp- "show don't hell", listen, here's an idea why not try some imagery instead of abstractions. this entry was a hellku in my friendly opinion.
"Lovers-r-Us" that's what you want to write about, it seems.
So write with freedom and wit,
'cos this ain't it.
Achilles,
No, he can't. You must accept that he will not go away and he will not change. His is far too big an ego for that.
If you haven't been to the forum for awhile then you have missed so much fun! Oh, the months he repeated how we were all here simply to entertain him! Oh, the poems he would endlessly mock by latching onto a word or phrase! Oh, the weeks without a poem being posted while he lambasted anyone willing to engage him! Not to mention the incredibly amusing "troll" period.
He has been rather sedated of late but it was only a matter of time.
No, he can't. You must accept that he will not go away and he will not change. His is far too big an ego for that.
If you haven't been to the forum for awhile then you have missed so much fun! Oh, the months he repeated how we were all here simply to entertain him! Oh, the poems he would endlessly mock by latching onto a word or phrase! Oh, the weeks without a poem being posted while he lambasted anyone willing to engage him! Not to mention the incredibly amusing "troll" period.
He has been rather sedated of late but it was only a matter of time.
Sound advice to all aspiring poets:
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.
the writer whose name begins with t (aratogen?) has been sniding away for a while. I hope he can improve his writing and keep better company on this board. you have always been straight and interesting with your comments so thanks for your post.Achilles wrote:Critic2, I am beginning to understand paints' attitude towards you. Can't you criticize a poem without the snide comments? You can get your point across without ridicule can't you?
Teratogen,
There you have it. You need to aspire to something along the lines of cleverness set to a song (apparently any song will do). Change a few words here and there, throw in a few snide remarks about someone, claim your innocence and voila! You will be welcomed into the world of "real" poetry!
If we had only known! Now we can all get down to it. Dig out those Sinatra records my friends.
Achilles,
I must warn you to be careful. Any furthur posts questioning him will be received with a venom you won't want to face.
If you remember that it's all about every one of us acknowledging his greatness then you will be fine.
There you have it. You need to aspire to something along the lines of cleverness set to a song (apparently any song will do). Change a few words here and there, throw in a few snide remarks about someone, claim your innocence and voila! You will be welcomed into the world of "real" poetry!
If we had only known! Now we can all get down to it. Dig out those Sinatra records my friends.
Achilles,
I must warn you to be careful. Any furthur posts questioning him will be received with a venom you won't want to face.
If you remember that it's all about every one of us acknowledging his greatness then you will be fine.
Sound advice to all aspiring poets:
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.
"Just experiment!" Critic2
"Just do it!" This message has been classified as spam and will be deleted by the moderators
"Maybe it will work, maybe it won't." Critic2
Wow.
-
Teratogen
- Posts: 1653
- Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: Santa Clarita, California
- Contact:
achilles: thanks for trying to defend me, but don't worry about it. what c2 says means shit to me.
and sniding? hey, i don't criticize other people's poetry because i am not a critic. i may be sniding (god, that sounds so snooty and upper-class) towards you, but that's only for good cause. hahahaha. you have it coming. that's all i've got to say about that.
and sniding? hey, i don't criticize other people's poetry because i am not a critic. i may be sniding (god, that sounds so snooty and upper-class) towards you, but that's only for good cause. hahahaha. you have it coming. that's all i've got to say about that.
(Without reference to prior comments)
The thing that interests me with this triptych is the way this traditional Japanese form is adapted to convey a story in 3 parts. The first haiku stands alone and is complete in itself. the 2nd. and 3rd. do not really stand alone and need the first to refer to make sense. My suggestion is this:- How could you re-write 2 and 3 such that they stand alone and yet still join with the first to tell the complete story?
Cheers, Witty.
The thing that interests me with this triptych is the way this traditional Japanese form is adapted to convey a story in 3 parts. The first haiku stands alone and is complete in itself. the 2nd. and 3rd. do not really stand alone and need the first to refer to make sense. My suggestion is this:- How could you re-write 2 and 3 such that they stand alone and yet still join with the first to tell the complete story?
Cheers, Witty.