Soon.

Andrew McGeever · Post by **Andrew McGeever** » Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:01 am

Soon.

My love will come
panting from racing
up four flights of stairs,
out of the bone-freezing rain,
not stopping to slam the taxi door,
no time to adjust the dripping fronds of hair
that coalesce with mascara round her eyes.

She won't knock,
for my door will be unlocked and open.
Taking me in her arms,
she will soak me with her love, her desire.
When her overcoat drops onto the floor
it will slide smoothly from her naked shoulders.

Not waiting to reach the bedroom,
her mouth and legs will part for me
as we fall into the flood.
Yes, my love will come.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 3:09 am

Hi Andrew ~

I'm glad you decided to post "Soon." Very atmospheric with the rain, the taxi, and her drenched hair. With the touch of the mascara, it sounds almost as if it were based on a real-life experience. The forward movement of it until she finally reaches you is very exciting. Subtle and tasteful. I really like it.

~ Elizabeth

Andrew McGeever · Post by **Andrew McGeever** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 4:40 am

Dear Elizabeth,
"a real-life experience".
Yes it was: yet it didn't have to be. Events turned out that way, as they always do.
Andrew.

witty_owl · Post by **witty_owl** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:54 am

Nice one Andrew

Witty.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 7:54 am

Oooh, yeah!

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 2:22 pm

We'll just tuck it into the Erotica Remembered section

.

Andrew McGeever · Post by **Andrew McGeever** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:52 pm

Dear Lizzy,
At my age, it's more difficult to get over things, especially the ones I remember (and write down!!).

Yer Andrew.
P.S. She was a writer; just found a publisher for her first book. A Californian too.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:42 pm

Oh, yes, I know that phenomena well. However, I didn't mean the section that collects dust, either

. Congratulations to her on the publishing of her first book. You're still in contact, too ~ such a good thing. Your poem is so imagematic.

~ Yer Lizzy

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 11:20 pm

Hi Andrew~

Another great poem.

The whole ambiance of urgency and the future-ness comes across brilliantly. And by accident or design, i like how your first stanza concretely looks much like a staircase.

regards,
Laurie

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 4:13 am

When I first saw the 'staircase' effect, I was hoping it would run into the other stanzas. Obviously, that would be a very hard thing to do. It sure would look nice, though.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 5:29 am

And, I didn't even notice the staircase, duh. I was too into the story

. Coulda fell and hurt myself, not payin' attention like that

.

For me, a comma would weaken the title. I like the strength and declarative effect of "Soon." It also seems like "mascara round" flows more easily than "mascara around," which rather requires that you make a stop between the two a's to separate the words, and get a little hung up between the ending a and the ar beginning. Particularly considering that mascara "runs," it seems appropriate that the two words "mascara" and "round" run together, too, as effortlessly as possible.

With the "unlocked" and "open," definitely two different states for a door to be in, were you thinking that "open" would've been sufficient, Laurie? It seems like it would've, and then add in another two-syllable word in that line, if needed for rhythm and flow, to make up for "unlocked" being gone.

LaurieAK · Post by **LaurieAK** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 6:06 am

Hi Lizzy~

Opinions are just that. I have nothing to add to your well thought out opinions on my opinions on Andrew's poem.

I will say that if a door is "open" it's state of being locked or unlocked is of no consequence. That was my thinking on the redundancy....i very well could be totally wrong...

cheers,
L

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 4:02 pm

Hi Laurie ~

Right on that locked/unlocked door, unless Andrew meant to symbolically emphasize the unlocked status of the door to his heart, as well. I know, too well, how a door can be open and still locked

~ and when I've closed it, I'm locked out

! It happened to me the other morning......early......fortunately, I have a key hidden outside.

Anyway, yes, you're right on those opinion buggers. Don't mind me, I'm still falling on those steps I didn't notice were there. For something so intentional looking [in hindsight to this one], I can't believe I missed them. Sigh.

~ Lizzy

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 5:18 pm

I like it that she was naked under her raincoat.

Lizzy~ What do you thing about the mascara part - 'round, or eye shadow or eyeliner around - something like that? I wonder if the ' would ruin the effect of the poem itself. Style and changes and all like that.

Anyway, mascara isn't the only option. There are others with the same effect and numbers of syllables.

I just know that 'cause I'm a girl.

Andrew: That was a very fine poem. As a matter of fact, I'm going to read it again.

Byron · Post by **Byron** » Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:09 pm

Could the final line be, "Yes, my love came."?

The anticipation and building blocks have created a final line and for some reason I hear the words....."Reader, I married him." The 'voice' imparts the knowledge of the poetic form as truth and fulfillment of that poetic form.

I like it Andrew. As it is. It's because it made me transcend through several layers of the imagery that I like it and want to clasp it as a thread for my own mind. Almost an adoption of the 'child' of a poem you've created to give to us all.