Daddy's Little Princess.

[Violet]

.. okay, my beloved.. here's the status.

.. (how are you, by the way?.. I miss you, my love).. (and somehow, I miss you more in not being here as much right now)

.. anyway, each section is formatted, and I could post the whole thing right this second, but I'm tired, and I did want to scan each one first.

.. so, hopefully tomorrow morning, since I go to Gotham after. If not, it will need to be Saturday. If I could see straight, I'd do it now.

oh, bleh.. since I honestly thought I'd be posting it tonight.

[sigh]


.. anyway, the sun was out these last two days, more or less--

oh!.. so, I was examining where the water lillies are.. and I discovered one little water lilly blossom (!).. It hasn't opened yet. But, I was so happy to see it.. and I wanted to tell you. I don't know, I even teared up when I saw it. It just meant so much to me.. but, really.. in relation to you, somehow.

.. anyway, this white bud didn't have any of those beautiful fan-like leaves touching it, either. It was alone. I could see its stem in the water.. and it was swaying slightly with the current. I was marveling at these plants, actually.. how they're anchored by their roots at the lake's muddy bottom.. but there's something almost valiant about their having to reach up to the surface.. to the air.. and the sun.

.. anyway, I was just so happy to see our little water lilly, and I checked on it again today.. (it should bloom any time now, my angel)

(I adore you)

x


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHjnjIbw ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx .. x..x.x.

[Violet]

.. okay, my angel.. here it is. (I realize that's a song title of yours, as well.. one belonging to a song that means a great deal to me, in fact)

How are you, my love?.. I realize too that tomorrow is Father's Day, and so Happy Father's and Grandfather's Day to you.

.. actually, I remember crying to you last year on Father's Day, not even realizing it was Father's Day. And so, a whole year has transpired with all this.


.. as to the writing..

.. well--oh, by way of WARNING.. [to all reading this].. there is some VERY disturbing material in here. Actually, there's one section that hurts me every time I read it. I actually have my character Violet cry over it, since that's how I feel myself.

I don't know what else to say about it. I just thought I should put that out there.


.. oh, I know what I wanted to say.. (my love)..

Now, if I had sat down and given this some serious thought--I mean, before writing this.. I'm doubtful I would have had Agent Longing.. the character representing you.. dig up some fairly reprehensible stuff inside the music industry. In fact, that would probably be the last thing I would do.

.. but.. as just a cursory look back over this thread would seem to indicate.. well, I just sort of "threw" myself into all this.. rather unthinkingly, in fact.

so, that's what's gotten me here. For better, or for worse.

.. anyway, this is in part my love letter to you.. even if the world I'm describing is anything but lovely. Still, it's "That Part of Hell Called Paradise".. so

there exists a kind of paradise here.. (which is where this love letter to you resides)


oh--as to this "libel in fiction" matter.

.. well.. I do have that "idea" to help me out with that. It might be a fairly injurious remedy "literarily" speaking.. but I think it's sort of interesting from more of a "conceptual art" perspective.

.. what it is, basically, is treating this "document" (of sorts) rather the way the government treats a FIOA doc.. (that's Freedom of Information Act doc).. which is to literally "block out" any names or information that--well, that a publishing lawyer might require be taken out.. if I'm lucky enough to find a publisher for this, that is. Now, I'm not sure this would be necessary in the earlier sections of this story, but certainly in the following sections this is going to be necessary, I think.

.. this means that parts of this could wind up looking like my sample below of Janis Joplin's FBI file.

.. so, anyway.. (my love).. this was the "solution" that hit me over the head while I was at MOMA a while back.

.. but for now, the GOOD NEWS is.. [to ya'll reading this].. but, you get to see this "unadulterated" version, as it were.. before such drastic measures are taken.

OH ALSO.. (my love).. I thought maybe I could have the information that's "blocked out".. put together somewhere.. and

I'm not sure how people could get access.. but.. I'm sure I could come up with something. You know, sort of an "underground" something..

.. [need to think about it more]

.. anyway, those are problems I'd like to have, since that would mean I'd have found a publisher for this material.

.. anyway, all I need to do now is put the various sections together--oh, and I'd like to illustrate it, as well. Not a lot of illustrations, but a few choice ones.


.. okay, my love. I need to take a little break from these premises to catch up on some rest, and attend to all the things I've been inattentive to just in trying to get this last section finished.

.. anyway, I would love to converse with you sometime soon about all this.. and I do hope that can happen.. but I'm not too sure how to go about that. So, for now, I guess I just need to rest up a bit, and not stress out about things.. (oh, and there's the matter of the triple scoop-chocolate ice cream cone, as well.. so

.. I love you, and I adore you.. and I'm going to check up on our water lilly blossom after I finish posting all this. I hope to see that it's bloomed. (!)

.. okay, my love.. I send my kisses to you.. xx x .. (and that one special one.. x)

[okay.. so.. there are FOUR SECTIONS to follow.. ROAD TO KATHMANDU/PART 3.. 4.. 5.. 6].. [one post per section]

[Violet]

[okay, so.. as "summer slowness" has descended upon this place, and as I'm now doing the final edit on all of this, I thought to remove these 4 segments now. I do hope it's been an interesting read for those of you who took the time to read this]

[Violet]

..

[Violet]

..

[Violet]

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I've decided this last section--Part 6-- needs further editing.. so.. I'm taking it back, hopefully not for long.

[Violet]

..

[Violet]

Leonard, my love.. I miss you.. how are you?.. I do hope all is well.

.. you know, I thought that when I finished writing this thing, I'd know better how to proceed.. but, instead, I've been all unsettled feeling, and a bit at loose ends. I feel rather lost.

.. oh, and.. sadly.. I went to check on our little water lilly blossom.. and found her still not bloomed yet--and submerged.. just under the surface of the water, with her stem coiled and yellowing.

.. she'd gone the way of Ophelia, it seems.. never having even bloomed.

.. I thought to take the bud home with me, thinking that maybe if I put her in some water I might get her to bloom there. I told myself I'd go get the blossom at the last part of my trip around our lake, given the dock is just a short way in, at the very beginning.

.. but then I forgot all about it by the time I'd done the ride around. It was only when I went to look at the other lake, and then looked in the direction of our lake, that I remembered.

.. so, I rode back there, and broke the blossom's stem.. and I picked, too, one of the beautiful flat leaves that was floating there, and I wrapped the blossom in that, and put it in my jacket pocket.

.. only, I've not been able to get the blossom to bloom. She's in a small glass.. not even half opened.. just as I'd found her in the lake.

.. so..

.. I guess a part of me feels to be drowned now.

[later note: .. after writing this note on my desktop, I decided to take the blossom, and once again wrap the lovely leaf around her.. and

well, there's this little forest by me. And I went out there.. bare footed, and still in my flowery pajama bottoms--oh, and I'm wearing the T-shirt I got at the Beacon, my love.. the charcoal colored one, with you in black.. but.. by this time, I was a sorry mess. Just weeping. And I took the blossom to the little forest, and saw this small white pine there. It reminded me of Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree.. the pathetic looking little thing, that needed a lot of love and attention. So, still crying, I dug into the ground by this little tree, and said my good-byes to the small white water lilly blossom, and I closed up the beautiful leaf, and buried her there.

.. then I stumbled out onto the lawn, in the sun.. and lay under the tall oak, and I cried and cried. I suppose it's a thousand things I was crying over.

.. then I got up, and stumbled into the house, and found a dull blade to try and get the dirt out from under my fingernails. And I poured the water I was using for the leaf and the bud into the sink, that I might be done with it.

.. so.. yes, it's been an emotional day so far, and it's only a bit past ten. Oh, and I still keep breaking down.. so

I guess I'm somewhat of a mess.

[this returns us to the letter I had written earlier]..


.. so, anyway.. I've been thinking things over. I've been thinking what it would be to talk to you. And I do realize I've made things a bit awkward for you.

.. so, I thought to say to you that.. well, that I am capable of tucking away this unrequited love thing.. and

I mean, I can actually simulate a kind of normalcy when the situation requires it. (!)

(shocking, I know)

.. but, I mean, there is this writing that I wouldn't mind discussing with you.

.. and then I was realizing how the writing, too, might put you in an awkward spot.

(I seem to be good at that)

.. I mean, in that it deals with rather "unaccepted" ideas about things.

.. still, I thought I'd ask you what you thought.. and if you knew of a brave publisher that might want to do something a bit adventuresome in publishing something like this. Even allowing for the "blocking out" of some of it, if that were required.

.. you know, I've been writing this in a vacuum over here. And.. well, there's a moment in the dialogue where I have Violet say to Agent Longing: Do you know just how nuts all this sounds?.. and he answers that he used to, but that now it just seemed "routine."

.. and I guess that's where I'm at with such content. I don't know how it sits with those reading it for the first time. I'm sure it's fairly "out there."

.. on the other hand, I sometimes think I've found a way to talk about such things that.. I don't know.. I hesitate to say it's "important".. but.. I think that maybe something comes to light about our culture in a way that isn't easily understood through just reading random information on the internet, which lacks context.. or which lacks a way in which there can be some deeper understanding. And there are all these "hidden agendas" out there, as well, that one needs be mindful of.

.. whereas my only "agenda" has been to try to fathom some version of "truth".. even though that's a near impossible task.

.. but, also as I had Agent Longing say.. it's just to forge a path.. a path to whatever it is I'm trying to discern. And maybe I'm in some way doing that, by bringing some things to light.

.. and it's really with the love I feel for you, that I've been helped through all this. You've been there as this sort of "guide" almost.



.. anyway, perhaps you would let me know what you think at some point. Or, do I try and contact you?

.. I don't know really what to do. I know I fear not being able to get through to you, as that would feel worse than not ever having even tried.

.. so.. I'm just floating here.. just beneath the surface, I guess.. not really sure of anything. Maybe things just need to be quiet, for a while.. until things settle into something. And anything that happens is just what happens.. and I think I understand any and all possible eventualities where you're concerned, concerning all this. But, everything is just what it is, and has nothing to do with my feelings about you.



.. I read this last night, and it comforted me, perhaps in that it touches on my own wounds.


49


All my life is broken unto you, and all my glory soiled unto you. Do not let the
spark of my soul go out in the even sadness. Let me raise the brokenness to
you, to the world where the breaking is for love. Do not let the words be mine,
but change them into truth. With these lips instruct my heart, and let fall into
the world what is broken in the world. Lift me up to the wrestling of faith. Do
not leave me where the sparks go out, and the jokes are told in the dark, and
new things are called forth and appraised in the scale of the terror. Face me
to the rays of love, O source of light, or face me to the majesty of your darkness,
but not here, do not leave me here, where death is forgotten, and the new thing
grins.

[Book of Mercy]

.. it seems the timing as to my reading this is just what it needed to be.



.. so.. I guess I need to find some "lightness" again.

.. you know, every time I listen to Old Ideas--and I went to the city yesterday, and so I was listening to it in the car--but, there's such a range of feeling.. and attitude.. and

.. I don't know, it's just so expressive of so much that one feels.. and so, it's this wonderful experience every time I pass through it.. taking in differing aspects each time.

.. I guess I mean to say that you give me so much, and that I am not always so down feeling. I am truly enriched by so much of what you've done.. and in that there is great pleasure, too.

.. (I'm sure I will find a way to be okay, my angel)

.. my love to you.. x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAbEeoxsaRc
FULL SCREEN..

.. x x.. xx.xx x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, I woke up in the middle of the night, and can't sleep.

.. the heat has arrived here with a vengeance, and so, it's summer suddenly. [it's funny, I keep reading that line as "the heart has arrived here with a vengeance".. and that seems true as well]

.. I guess I've really been through it these past few days. The day I wrote that last post it was as if this big black hole were opening up, and it was all I could do to not get sucked down it. I don't often pray, but I found myself praying. Just today, I think it was. And so I asked for some help. [pleaded, really] In some ways it was forthcoming since, as the day progressed, I found myself feeling lighter again.. and I was going to tell you as much last night, but I thought I needed sleep. But now here I am, wide awake.. and a bit troubled feeling.

.. but, when I was feeling lighter, and after the harsh sun had started to set, I did go out to our lake. It was strange, as I had just been saying to myself that finishing this writing seemed a kind of death almost, but that things end, and then begin again--and just as I'd finished the thought I saw there was another water lilly bud, not too far from where the last one was.. and as I walked the walkway, I saw there was another still.

.. there was this haze over our lake.. and the sun, even as it was dying, still felt very hot.. though I don't recall the sun itself being very visible through the haze. At least at that point. Anyway, I sent my little prayer out to you, that all would be well with you.. although I didn't feel you close, as I sometimes do.

.. as to new beginnings, I also saw the tiniest, sweetest fawn going across the road ahead of me with its mother. It's the first real baby deer I've seen this season, as the other young ones were all older. This one looked to have just been born.

.. when I did finally see the sun, it was at the place in the road I told you about, where there is water on either side. It was to the left of me, as it always is as it sets.. and it was the most startling sunset I think I've ever seen.. and reminded me of the orange sun I've been writing about in my story.

.. the sky was still this hazy blue-grey.. and the sun was hot and orange, and just so big and round seeming.. and it just hung there, piercing, and rather surreal. Stranger still was the reflection it caused on the lake, which had the shape of one of the Twin Towers. It was just like it.. a straight, long, fairly wide band of light--the width of the sun, in fact--with the end closest to me cut off, just like the top of one of the towers. And it, too, was ablaze.

.. and so, all was this blue-grey haze cut with such a sun and its fiery band of reflection. I stopped my bike, and just looked on in awe for a while. And I thought of you.

I'm not sure what happens next. I know my heart is stubborn, and it doesn't care what I tell it. I know I miss you terribly.

.. so.. I've been thinking "what to do?"

.. and I've been remembering all that I've put off, just trying to finish the writing. Of course, I've now to put the whole story together, and do a final edit of the the whole thing as a piece, and I find I'm looking forward to that. And to doing some illustrations, too. So, that's a priority to get that finished.

.. but, also.. I was remembering other plans.. plans to start my own website dealing with film. I've owned the website name for the longest time, and lately I just kept telling myself.. well.. "when I'm done with the writing".. so.. I guess it's time I start thinking about setting that up.

.. and there's the singing, too.. and getting my set list prepared, with all the songs I do best, maybe.

.. and I started listening to these tapes done by this woman about breathing.. in the meditation zone of things, which I think could help me at this point, too.

.. so.. that's what I've been thinking. I guess I just was "shocked" somehow that I was finally finished. And I didn't know in that moment what it meant.. or how to proceed.

.. you know, my love.. I sometimes think we'll communicate at some point. Maybe soon. Maybe not. But I realize too that such things are out of my hands.. and.. well, in realizing that, I guess it helps somewhat in that there is really nothing for me to do.

.. I guess I'll write you here as long as I feel the need to. It's just to take things as they come, I guess. I do feel sad at the moment--inconsolable feeling.. though I'd really been feeling just so much better later in the day today.. so.. maybe it's a bit touch and go for now.

oh. Here is the last of the passages from your Book of Mercy. It, too, seems a new beginning. Thank you, my love, for this lovely book. It's been meaning a lot to me.. and I know I'll look to it as I need to.


50

I lost my way, I forgot to call on your name. The raw heart beat against the
world, and the tears were for my lost victory. But you are here. You have
always been here. The world is all forgetting, and the heart is a rage of dir-
ections, but your name unifies the heart, and the world is lifted into its place.
Blessed is the one who waits in the traveller's heart for his turning.


.. alright, my love. I do hope all is well with you. I imagine you're very busy with getting ready for the tour.. and I'm so looking forward to that.

.. okay.. here's that kiss I always like to send you.. x.. (that all will be well)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k_IQctxqNg
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx.. xx xxx. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my love, I feel I have something I need to say to you, and yet, I'm not entirely sure what it is.. as if in writing this I'd find out, maybe.

.. it gets a bit involved, I'd say. Though maybe not. I'll just have to see.


.. so.. I guess I've been dealing with "loss" just now. My therapist has me looking to my past, of course.. and that is no doubt a part of it.. how it is such things in some manner get repeated for us until.. well, who knows. I sometimes think it may take any number of lifetimes to really work through such of our deeper losses.

.. but, anyway, it seems "loss" is upon me just now. And

well, here my little story involves a part of my life up here I've not talked about as yet having to do with chickens. Yes, chickens. Chickens that were in some manner "bequeathed" me.. and that I was a bit ambivalent about from the very start, I guess because

well, because once one is the caretaker of chickens.. [my mind argues].. well, that's pretty much "it" isn't it??.. I mean, hasn't one reached the end of the road when one is now raising chickens. [??????????]

.. so, I decided I wouldn't talk about that part of things up here, given such of my ambivalence.

.. however, my ambivalence doesn't extend to the chickens themselves, as they are terribly wonderful creatures.. far more wonderful than I'd ever given chickens credit for being. Of course, the three chickens bequeathed me were Rhode Island Reds--those lovely russet-colored chickens, bread for egg laying, and even for friendliness.. and I must say, they are terribly friendly creatures.

.. I named them Auntie Em.. Dorothy.. [you'll note the theme].. and Margery.. [though not as concerns that name].

.. Auntie Em and Margery are named after Marge and Em--the wonderful "homeys of the Hamptons," whom I grew up with for two weeks of almost every summer of my childhood. Emerson raised chickens, and adored them. Though that happened later.. so, I never "knew" chickens then. Or, no.. maybe there were some around.. I'm not sure.. they weren't a "featured item," then.. as I'm not so sure when they came in.

.. anyway, Auntie Em turns out to be the "leader" of the three. She laid eggs first, and is really first in everything, and most enthusiastically so. I came home from one of my bike rides last week, having left them out in the yard as I sometimes do at the end of the day since there's not enough time for them to do too much wandering.. [I once got a phone call from a neighbor down the road: "We've got your chickens," the man said. That's when the wire fencing of the "chicken" part of the yard wasn't high enough, and they kept escaping]

.. but, I got home and it was Auntie Em who spotted me coming up the drive.. and so, she came running towards me from all the way across the yard--just to welcome me.. and then she excitedly bowed to be pet.. [as she always does--she especially, though the others bow to be pet, as well].. and I was thinking to myself, "isn't this more like a faithful dog than a chicken???].. But, yes, she does charm me, that one especially. But all three are just the loveliest little beings.. and so thoughtful of them to leave a little present for me each morning. Or, most mornings. Oh, and I find myself giving gifts of fresh eggs to people when I go to the city.. since

I mean, yes, I like eggs.. but.. uh

[there are only so many eggs one can eat, let's face it]


.. so.. [to return to what I was starting to say].. it seems I'm dealing with "loss" just now. That water lilly blossom.. and all that went with it--and just as I'd finished the writing, and felt confused, instead of relieved.. and had that feeling that "all was lost."

.. and now.. well.. [this continues with my story].. Dorothy hadn't been laying for three days this past week. She was keeping to herself, and I started feeding her cottage cheese and mulched fresh apple from out of my hand. Nothing I'd read on line indicated she was in any real danger, but I felt she was. I thought to take her to a vet on Saturday, but she took a turn for the worse yesterday evening, and with no other options, I found myself driving up an old country highway to Kingston last night, over an hour away. I had her against me, and over my arm. She was drooping, but I knew she was still breathing.

.. it was just when I had the thought that, in keeping her close to my womb, I was in some manner "healing" her.. that she went into this great paroxysm, with her wings all aflutter.. and then her body dramatically stretched out, and she died.. there, in my lap.

.. I called the place, and they offered the service of an autopsy, and I thought it best, since then I might learn something from what had happened. I even saw the poor thing flayed open, on the table. I saw the intricacies involved in the whole egg laying process.. all her organs, and the little eggs forming.. in clusters.. amazing.. and she looked healthy, as it seems it was more of a mechanical thing that had gone wrong. She must have been the one who wasn't always laying. There were "soft" eggs too sometimes that happened, supposedly due to lack of calcium, although that was present in her diet.

.. she may have been genetically disposed to this problem.. I'll be getting a more lengthy report. What had happened is that one of the earlier eggs.. [earlier in the egg producing cycle, before it gets to the "shoot," as it were].. but it had ruptured into her digestive area, it seems.. [not too sure how that happens, as the vet was still trying to figure it all out].. but she had become septic as a result.

.. so, now I've to bury her.

.. and.. well, I wondered at the name "Dorothy" I chose for her, as I identify with that name.. and that lovely character from my deepest childhood.

.. and in telling myself I was "healing" her, she was freed in that moment.. as in this instance, death was the only healing possible. [I was at least relieved to hear that I'd not have saved her if I had brought her to a vet earlier on, as I was feeling just awful that that might have been the case]

.. and so, there's the Dorothy of my childhood.. and also, the water lilly bud that conjured Ophelia's drowning.. her not ever having fully "bloomed."

.. and there's my being here, upstate.

.. and the question, am I to remain here?.. are these losses some death in myself, then?

.. or am I to leave here?.. to leave all I know? to in some way start again?

.. I don't know.


.. so..

.. Dorothy's gone.

.. I'm terribly sad. [and I fear to let myself cry, lest I won't stop.. and as it is, I've done so much crying]

.. still.. I'm not as sad as I would have thought.. as if she'd been "freed" somehow.. and as if I'd somehow helped her in that.

.. and so, I find myself wondering.. what is my own source of "freedom," then?


.. and so.. my love.. I'm not sure what my little tale of Dorothy's sad end means, exactly. I was thinking though.. how you must be busy in rehearsal.. and how exciting that must be, to be reunited with these musicians, these friends.. and for all of you to be creating what I'm sure will be something truly wonderful for us all.. and, I have to say.. it lifts me.. just to think of it all.. it lifts my spirits.. and I can even feel the excitement somehow, even this far away.

.. I guess I mean to say.. well.. who knows.. maybe we will communicate some day.. maybe we'll even meet. I don't feel I can know anything just now. But, I'm not here to be sad, or to make you or others feel sad. I'm really here to celebrate you. To celebrate all that you mean to all of us. And that is a thing for rejoicing.. and for much happiness, and excitement.

.. that's all I know to say just now. I love you just so much, my angel.. I love you, and all that you are.. your complexities, and your simple grace.. and everything so divinely given us.

.. I send again my kiss.. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEzRXjg1rYE
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx.. xx x.. xxx ..

[edits: I've come back here tonight, and thought I'd re-read what I wrote early this morning.. and so, I thought to try and smooth out a few lines. I come here when I'm tired sometimes, but can't sleep.. and, well, sometimes that shows]

[Cate]

Dear Violet,

I am sorry to hear about Dorothy. Chickens are lovely animals especially when raised and kept the in the way yours have been. There is something very innocent and open about them (though they can be a bit mischievous as yours seem to be). The loss of an animal/pet is especially difficult as we’re their caretakers and often a there's unique a very special bond there.

(on an aside – I haven’t had a chance to read the next sections of the Agent Longing series but I’m very much looking forward to it)

[Violet]

.. thank you Cate, for your kind words.

.. I got the "report".. and.. [to put my science hat back on].. it was Egg Peritonitis.. which happens when the egg misses the "infundibulum," or the beginning of the oviduct, and falls into the abdomen.. [or when this happens to several eggs].. leading to septicaemia. There are a number of causes, including [couldn't help noticing] not just Infectious Bronchitis, but the IB vaccine. [which this chicken, having come from reputable hatchery, no doubt had]

.. it's a dicey condition to catch in time or properly diagnose [it sounds like], and it doesn't sound as if treatment always works. The report also says it's a condition usually found post mortem.

.. I'm finding it rather fascinating, though, learning about the whole process of hatching an egg on a daily basis. There's a lot involved, and there are quite a few eggs in various phases lining up for the "shoot," as it were.. all of this going on simultaneously.

.. anyway, I shall miss her.


.. as to the second part of your post.. I do hope you find it a good read. I know the science section gets a bit "dense," although I tried to get through that in the spirit of good storytelling, which science I think can be. [it just gets a bit technical, at times]

thanks again, Cate,

v. x

[Violet]

.. my love, I do hope this note finds you well.

.. I've just decided, since I've shared so much of myself with you here, that I might share this.

.. "this" is to do with what I feel to be my present dilemma. And, again, maybe if I write these things here, it can bring about some clarity.



.. so.. I guess I'm at this place of not knowing not necessarily "who" I am, so much as what that should mean in terms of leading my life.

.. I've always thought of myself as an artist.. but for a long time now that idea lacks context, and so..

.. that's the problem. And so.. what?

.. I feel on the outside of the world that's being "presented" to us as "the world." It seems this horrendous show, almost. One in which there is little for me. At the the same time.. to go deeper, as I tried to do with Agent Longing and Violet.. it again leaves me on the outside. If there is an "audience" for such of my wrestling with things, I'm not sure where to find it.

.. I was approached by a art dealer recently by email, and.. it's funny, since he approached me, he should have had some deference in that regard.. but he somehow turned the situation into my "needing" something from him.. which couldn't be further from the truth. I'm done with all of that. I guess it's true of all areas in the arts. There is this "posturing" that's going on.. and.. truthfully.. very little else sometimes. Someone on the outside of this might think this expanding art world that exists is all about the work. I'm not saying that doesn't play a role.. but the way in which it does is highly questionable.

.. I think what I wrote about the artists on the Sunset Strip music scene puts down an interesting precedent. Only, now the.. well, "commercialism," for lack of a better word.. is entirely seamless. It is "in" the psyche of younger artists to the point where maybe it's not "seen" at all. It's just "the way things are."

.. so.. "the Man," so to speak, has won, then.

.. and in that, I remain on the outside.

.. and so.. here I am. On the outside. Not knowing how to proceed as an artist. Do I just disappear?

.. I know there is road here. A road to just despair. And it's not a road I care to take.

.. on the other hand, just what road IS open to me, though?

.. having been around the track a few times, I can't answer that with much in the way of confidence.

.. so.. that is my dilemma now.

.. I feel I "should" put together my story of Agent Longing and Violet, and do the illustrations, etc.. but.. I even feel ambivalent about doing this.. since it's more energy put into this "invisibility."

.. so

.. I guess that's my problem at the moment. How to not "feel" invisible, even though that is, in a practical sense, what I am.


.. anyway, my love.. (and my sometimes guide).. I know you've been through a lot yourself. I don't know the precise details, but I know it must have been difficult, if you found you needed to take refuge on that mountain, finally. You, too, it seems.. had moments when you felt to be "invisible" in the sense I'm speaking of.. and, fortunately, you've come to see that you, indeed, were loved.. that you mattered a great deal to people.

.. of course, my situation is different. I had a small success in the art world, early on.. though I wasn't prepared for what that meant, and I guess I could say I "dropped the ball," as it were. In that, I try to tell myself.. well, it's this line I came upon some time ago:

All is lessons.

.. and in that, I'm doing remarkably well. (!)

.. but, again.. in trying to discern what possible role I might play as an artist, that doesn't really give me the answer.

.. so

.. I guess I'm at this place.

.. and I wanted to share this with you.. not because I think you'd have the answer for me.. but maybe because I think you'd understand.

.. I feel to go inside myself.. to just be quiet, and sit with things.

.. I think I will force myself to finish things with Agent Longing and Violet, and do the illustrations.. though, again, I don't know what can come of it.

.. was it just a "personal" prerogative that I finish this thing?.. and so.. like the water lilly bud.. was it never meant to bloom, then?

.. so.. that seems to be where I'm at just now.

.. and.. well, at least now you know what I'm struggling with.

.. my love to you, my angel.. x

.. actually.. I just thought to add.. one of the reasons my therapist is rather delighted with my starting to take my singing seriously is that.. let's see.. (how to do I put this).. well, she thinks it's a "safer" route for me.. I mean, just how could I "mess up" old standards??.. (she thinks).. Of course, I told her that, knowing me, I'd probably find a way to make them "political".. (in a socially unacceptable way, of course)

[sigh]

.. but.. yeah.. music.

.. actually, my angel.. I think I found a way to sing this number that's really my own, and not like Judy at all. Judy can "belt" things out, and it sounds great.. but, I'm really not a belter.. so.. I think I found a way to "soften" this one.. but somehow keep alive what's so great about this particular number.

.. anyway.. here she is again.. (and again, all my love to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzyPMRo8ZUQ&feature
FULL SCREEN..

.. x x x.. xx. x.. xx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?

.. it's true I've been having a pretty tough time of it. This whole weekend there was this kind of pall that hung in the air, given Dorothy's little burial and subsequent absence.. and given how "touch and go" I've been feeling, as if I were just keeping at bay the collapse of the whole "house of cards," as it were.

.. but, somehow, tonight I was able to turn things around. I do hope this will stick.. (it's hard to know with such things).. but I've decided on a three-pronged approach to my "invisibility" problem. [maybe I'll do a list, since they have a way of cheering me up]

Violet Flower's Three-pronged Approach:

1. definitely get my "film" website going.. [I have a very good domain name for it, so that's already a good beginning];

2. oh. My love, I've been looking at the beginning of That Part of Hell.. and.. well, I think it's quite funny. I honestly forgot how funny it is. And, I sort of think it would be rather "rad" of me to just leave it "as is" almost. I've decided that since this writing is the product of an "on line" situation, it should reflect that.. and it really adds something I think. So, that made me feel much better.

.. I mean, by the time the reader gets to the "blocked out" sections.. he/she will be rather used to the various bumps in the road, as it were.. and I honestly think it can work. The whole thing will no doubt be a bit disorienting, in any event.. though I think in a good way.. and so, this will add just one more dimension to that.

so.. putting this all together may just about be "done" then. [what a time saver this approach is];

3. .. okay.. now, for my "P.R. pièce de résistance"..

.. I've decided I'll put together.. well.. a music video. [yeah]

.. I think of it sort of like the Violet D. Flowers of That Part of Hell singing a bluesy jazz number.. shot in Noirish black and white. [and, yes, that would be "me" in the video, as in "moi"].. [yeah]

.. of course, the sound part is not going to be easy, I know, since I don't have a lot of ducats for this.. although I have Protools, just no studio for overdubbing.. still.. I think I can probably figure something out. Also, I've never done overdubbing, and I imagine that's not all that easy either.. but

.. oh: and this I'll post on youtube and it will "introduce" the website.. and.. well, I'm thinking I'm going to use this name for all this.. Violet Flower, I mean. I mean, I think maybe I'm "reinventing" myself with that, in a way. [to get rid of a bunch of cobwebs and stuff, and start "fresh"]

.. so.. that's the three-pronged plan.

.. I still don't know about a publisher, but at least I feel better about the whole thing. I was just feeling just so very down.. although sometimes I'll have some very good ideas just after feeling that way.. so.. maybe that's what's happened.

.. oh, and I feel that I could have a sort of David and Goliath.. Violet vs. Hollywood sort of theme going.. (for the website, I mean).. which might yield some interesting material. [I'm hoping to write some good comic bits, of course]

.. so.. that's what I'm thinking.. now. After this hellish hellish time of wanting to just crawl into a hole and die. [seriously]

(have I told you how much I adore you lately?).. (my angel?)

.. so.. yeah.

.. I'm thinking of doing that rather obscure Maxine Brown number.. [the one with the cat and the mouse I mentioned].. for the music video, I mean.

.. so.. yeah. A music video. Starring: moi.

[this kind of cracks me up, actually.. but you know what?.. I think I can make it work, somehow.. I honestly do].. [if it cracks me up it's that I THOUGHT I'd be working with actors.. although, this may go towards that adage.. if you want to get something done, you've got to do it yourself sort-of-thing]


.. well.. that's the latest, my angel. Like they say, you really can't keep a good Violet Flower down. I mean, you can try.. but you really can't keep her down there for too long. [she gets tired down there]

.. anyway, I'm sure you're terribly busy, and I assume happily so. I'm just so looking forward to seeing your concert. [and I do hope you're doing.. um.. "Anyhow"].. [just thought I'd put a word in for that].. [just in case you were "wavering"]

.. [also.. there is still the matter of the, uh, chocolate ice-cream cone].. [don't think I've forgotten].. [it doesn't have to be triple scoop.. but.. a double at least, I would think] [given all the pain I have caused myself] [!!]

.. okay, my angel. Tomorrow I'll be back on my bike.. .. and I hopefully will be feeling much better, too. I guess it was the shock of finishing the writing.. then seeing my water lilly bud drown.. and then the loss of Dorothy. It was just a bit too much somehow.. and all just too "symbolic" seeming.

.. but

well, maybe I really had to.. what did you write?.. "go down to the pit."

oh, and this video project will force me to learn Protools finally--given I THOUGHT I'd have edited a film by now.. (which is why I even have this software).. but, at least NOW I have good reason to learn this stuff, along with Final Cut, which I've worked on very little, and a much earlier version.. so, that's a lot to take on board, then.


okay, my love.. you remain with me somehow, no matter what I'm going through..

.. my kiss to you, my angel.. x.. (and yes, I miss you).. (I always do..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=389fPqjT ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx x.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. so.. I've been going through the writing, and

well, it's good to be editing it after such a long time has past, since I really can see it now.. and think I'm vastly improving some sections in the editing. [I just got to the first erotic material, and think I really have improved it]

.. so, I'm refining it, as I go along.. and I'm finding a format for it.

.. so, yes.. it seems it's something between a screenplay, a novel.. and a creature of the internet. Deciding on a font was tricky.. but I thought to have it feel a bit more literary/novel-like, in that respect.. so to play against the screenplay aspect. Of course, having the names of the characters to the left of the page for dialogue is actually more akin to a play than a screenplay, so I guess there's that, as well.

.. but, it's sort of a fun read so far, and I do hope you'll want to have a look at it when it's done. Then maybe you can see better how to appraise it.


.. you know, my angel.. if I remain here for now.. talking to you.. please know it's not a trifling matter that I do so. I'm really just trying to maintain some sort of balance inside of myself.. so not to topple over into that ever welcoming sea of the misbegotten.

.. I feel better just now, but earlier in the day.. it was a bit tough.

actually, here's something from a letter I wrote you earlier, on my desktop.. when I was grappling with such of my feelings:

.. my circumstances are not amenable to external change, given I'm just hanging in there economically. And in that, there really are no great choices, other than making happen the things I've just spoken about in the last post.

.. maybe it's good I'm singing the blues, since I do feel rather blue at this point.

.. I really did hope that when I was done posting the writing I'd know better what to do.. I mean, concerning writing you these letters.. but

apparently not. I do feel to be changed, though. I mean, just in having been here as long as I have, talking to you. In that, I feel much closer to you. I certainly feel to know you in a way I didn't know you before.

I went again to our dock yesterday. Oh, and there is fall weather now. Fall. Even now, it's so cool in here, and the breeze is racing through the tree tops, with its lovely fury just so alive and sounding all through this little cottage.

.. yesterday, the sun's light on the water was brilliant, and given the wind, the water was very choppy. I saw there were three water lilly buds this time.. and I wondered if they would make it, with the water so rough.. and the weather so unpredictable.

.. I lay down on the dock, and once again I looked up at the clear blue sky, with just slight wisps of clouds at my vision's periphery. I felt the "buoyancy" of the dock.. and I smiled, just to think of you. Eventually, I sat up.. and looked to the place where you are.. (the place I've decided you are).. and with the sun so bright and pure, the water so dazzling.. there was nothing "clouding" my feelings at all.

.. (I'm sorry if my circumstances make me seem unclear)


.. so.. that was from my earlier letter to you.

again, my kiss, my angel.. x.. (that all will be well)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1zr86InvdU&feature
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. x x.. xx..