A start - please add/edit

[Manna]

she is editing a manuscript
green dress and bunned black hair
a flower wilts over her nape

it takes many sighs
and the steam of hot tea
to push thoughts into sentences



~.~
That's what I have so far. I was trying to work in something about staying focused / her mom called her a cow last week, and then getting back to this central, focused scene, but I am more interested in getting outside for a good long run than I am in continuing to work on this right now. So please do it for me. Or do something else with it, since I'm probably writing this one off, even though I know it's not done. Ooh, isn't this a pun place to be?!

<3
Manna

[fishfishquaileye]

she is editing a manuscript
green dress and bunned black hair
a flower wilts over her nape

it takes many sighs
and the steam of hot tea
to push thoughts into sentences


"mooove on please, ain't you got no udder work to do",
mum couldnt leave the cow
and I was supine to her bovine-
she thinks I haven't herd her
but "I'm on the horns of a dilem ma,
I can't write no more,
today just a page and a calf,
would you like a glass of milk?"

she started to edit my life
"a cloying baby
an annoying child,
that's what you was
and that's what you is ?"

"Ma, it's "are" "
I said with the irritation
of 22 years in a loving family"

"yeah, well you always did prefer gramma
to me" she grumbled back

"OY, Ma, get this wilting flower off my nape
no-one appreciates dead poetry."

[lizzytysh]

Hi Manna ~

Not that I can make any changes, of course ; however, I can at least give you feedback and hope you don't abandon your effort. I LOVE your second verse and would like to see it remain exactly as is. Your first one, though, feels forced, awkward, clunky. It's hard to even speak. Now, not that this very thing doesn't add to the sense of how SHE's feeling... like an onomatoepia [however you spell that great word] of a situation vs. a sound... but I'd still like to see that one reworked.

Big help, right .


~ Lizzy

[Jimmy O'Connell]

she is editing a manuscript
green dress and bunned black hair
a flower wilts over her nape

there are many sighs
before steam from hot tea
pushes thoughts into sentences

the manuscript rests on a green dress
where the nape of steamed thoughts
wilts her black hair bunned

tight into a pain that blights
the editing of the verse
a mother has scourged

[lizzytysh]

Now, I LIKE that, Jimmy... good twists and turns.

[Cate]

hello Manna!

I like your start – it’s a good image very peaceful.

Fish - you are berry punny.


~~~

under the elm tree
the sun is not as hot

she is editing a manuscript
green dress and bunned black hair
a flower wilts over her nape

'stay' she tells herself
slides off her shoes

it takes many sighs
and the steam of hot tea
to push thoughts into sentences

she stands, stretches
removes her hair pin

soft earth feels good under
her toes, legs crave that first
step that will lead to a long run

[Manna]

One particularly needy mate has informed 3 times that this has gotten responses, and that those responses have been ignored by me. I'm sorry I've ignored all the things people have done with this. From my pov, I gave up any responsibility when I posted it in this one-off, rushed, giving up way. I no longer think of it as mine, and all of you have created lovely poems from my little thorn. May all the little thorns that I throw out into the world be met with such creativity, kindness, humor and beauty.

Thank you.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Amen...