Daddy's Little Princess.

[Geoffrey]

i've been reading one of your poems, violet. what's it about?

Crap

Crap crap crap crap
crap crap crap crap
crap crap crap crap
crap.

v i o l e t

[Nov 21, 2010]

[Violet]

.. oh, crap!.. I thought I deleted that one.

[I probably did. You must have saved it--to use for just such an occasion].. [I wouldn't put it past you] [!]

Dear V,

...a time when you were moved in mysterious ways. I told you that's how Leonard works.

XO

.. hi I.F.. (how are you?)

.. you did always say that.

actually, I won't say any more than that. It feels not to be "messed" with, somehow. [??]

[.. xx x]


.. Leonard, my angel.. how are you?

.. it was an amazingly warm and sunny day today.. and I actually had a real live conversation with someone who lives at, uh, "our lake." Her adorable little daughter was selling lemonade by the roadside, so how could I not stop?.. Actually, do you know how much a little paper cup worth of homemade lemonade costs these days? Fifty cents. [???] [I may have to open up a competing stand, I'm thinking].. [my god].. Anyway, I was given the lemonade for free, since I didn't happen to have any cash on me. [I promised to reimburse her, though.. and she seemed quite pleased with that idea]

.. so.. yeah. I guess it was bound to happen. I mean my actually talking to someone there. Oh, and I did fairly lousy with the small talk, and so this person now knows I'm writing this rather wild and crazy thing, although I didn't go into any details. [at least].. but.. yeah. I give myself about a C- on my "small talk" performance today. [of course, I'm out of practice]..

.. anyway, I guess I'll get back to--

oh. You were in my dreams again. [??] I don't know why, but it seems I'm dreaming about you all the time, now.. only, it's all been rather "vague." Still, you're always there, somehow.

.. in this dream I don't remember what it was we were talking about, but you told me that your favorite part [of whatever it was] had to do with "light."

.. I wish I knew better the context.. but I sort of like it, anyway.


.. anyway, I miss you--actually, I just watched Arlene's coverage of Alan Rickman at the Glenn Gould event. [he was perfect] You know, I think if I were casting someone as you, it would likely be him.. although, maybe I'd ask him to put a little cover on that brit accent thing he does. [probably since he's from britland] My other choice might be Al Pacino, but only if he promised to drop that Southern accent he's somehow arrived at. I mean, he's probably from Brooklyn, for god's sake. [!]

wait a minute..

[out on a youtube run].. [..]..

okay.

now, I'm not sure Winona is quite up for this.. [she doesn't have nearly enough of an internal struggle going on here.. still, Al doesn't need to be opposite a good actor to be good].. [but what was he thinking using Winona for this??].. [Kate Winslet would have

never mind. Moving on..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1Yi5Qdu ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

Now that was half a scene, thanks to Winona's weak performance.. but, I just wanted to see Al without that Southern accent he's been sporting for I don't know how long, now.

.. actually, if I were re-writing the entire play with you in mind, my love.. well, first: it would have to be a good King Richard, not an evil one.. so, that pretty much gets rid of Shakespeare's entire plot. Now, as for re-writing that most famous line.. [with you in mind, I mean]..

.. "My kingdom for..

1. what fulfillment doesn't offer.. [I thought I'd bring in Alan's quoting you] [just to round out this post, I guess];

2. I don't know why, but I just thought of "an egg cream" [I'm not sure what that is, even];

3. Violet to finish that ________ piece of writing. [you can fill it in as you like] [my angel]


.. you know, I'm with you on that last one.. so

oh, and I forgive you for what just popped into your head on that, too. [I mean, it's exactly the word I would have chosen.. so

.. okay, my most tender kiss to you, my love.. x.. (and yes, I miss you)

oh, and something equally sweet.. (as that kiss, I mean..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPIgQdOo ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx .. x xxx..

[Geoffrey]

Violet wrote:
>oh, crap! I thought I deleted that one. I probably did. You must have saved it, to use for just such an occasion. I wouldn't put it past you!

Not guilty, Violet, my dear. Saw it only now, while reading through the thread, and it inspired me to comment. That is what a poem is supposed to do

[Violet]

.. actually, G.. I did just bring up the "Word," not the "Words".. so, I think I understand better how your mind was working as to that particular choice of poem.

[!]


Leonard, my angel.. I'm missing you even more than usual, given I'm not here as much. Actually, I went to the city today.. and need to go tomorrow, as well. Just "stuff" I have to see to.. including getting my visa going.. [in case I decide to make good on that End of the World Bar in Goa].. [should the end of the world hold off for a spell, that is]

.. actually, writing wise.. I realized yesterday that my "science" section was reading a bit like a science text book, so I've had to take my red pen to it. It's been a bloody affair, but hopefully with some good results.

anyway, I'll have a print-out with me tomorrow.. but, it's really just tweaking at this point. I really do hope I can get this thing posted before this coming Memorial Day Weekend.

[then I might even feel like celebrating something]



.. okay, my beloved

oh. I drove in the very worst conditions imaginable today. I was on the highway.. [luckily listening to Old Ideas, since, as I mentioned before, I'd rather be listening to you if/when something disastrous happens].. but.. anyway, today, those of us on the road were maybe going about sixty-five to seventy miles an hour, and WHAM: ALL AT ONCE it started pouring SHEETS of rain--just sheets!! And no one even knew where the road was at that point. [!!]

.. I don't know, my angel. I've been collecting quite a few bad driving experiences, I'm noticing. And driving home was almost as bad--in some ways worse, since it was dark.. so

.. anyway, this several hour commute isn't exactly the snap I always thought it would be.

[??]

.. so.. not good, my love.


.. okay.. so.. a kiss good-night, then, my beloved.. x.. (I wish I weren't so tired just now, so I could tell you better.. I don't know what..

maybe I can find something to tell you

[quick trip to youtube].. [..]..

okay. Given she died just recently.. maybe I'll go with this..

(and yes, I miss you, my angel.. and do hope all is well..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHRalpos ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx.. xx x x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you today?

.. I've not written you a poem in a while now, and yesterday in the city I did.. but only because it just started happening.. so

anyway, I'm home now--safe.. and working. But I thought I'd send you my little love poem..

(I miss you)


This want of you

[much later edit: another poem I have found "wanting," and so it's
back to the workshop]




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK1aFadJWgk
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx x.. xx xx.. xx..

later edit: updated link.

much later edit: I tweaked the poem, which I'm still middling on.. but.. well, I did what I could.. [for now]

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?.. (I do hope all is well)

.. it's been raining just so much this spring, my love. Although, yesterday, I did get out to our lake.. and went out on our dock, and saw the sun--with its fierce rosy glow--just as it was descending below the tree line. Still, its rosiness remained in the soft array of colors.. with our lake, a sleepy pink, and dusty blue.. and all so serene seeming.

[I just thought of your sweet voice singing "sleep baby sleep"..

.. oh, and the definition of the shoreline I could make out better, it seemed, in this delicate light. The extension of dark trees--usually indistinguishable from the rest of the shoreline--was, in fact, jutting out into the lake, well before the place of the farthest shore, which was now misty seeming, and even more distant. That's the place I look for you, my love.. and where I always find myself wondering just where things are heading. And just like the song, it's the place where I say a little prayer for you.. (that all be well.. my angel)


.. well, I've gotten some badly needed rest these past two nights, and have been able to assess better where I am with the writing. I'm glad I did this--got the rest I needed, I mean--since I was beginning to worry that I'd have to bag the whole "science" section, which was feeling too bogged down, somehow. But now I see it better, and.. well, I've excised quite a bit of it.. so

.. in any event, I'm relieved, as it's reading pretty well. Only, I'm up against this holiday weekend, and am picking up my brother tomorrow in the city, so.. reasonably speaking.. I'm looking at the later part of next week to hopefully post this thing. But, at least I'm feeling better about it. [and just so anxious that it be finished]


.. oh--I'm about to "shower it out".. but I've been sporting my "Morticia" look these past few days. My hair person convinced me to have it styled straight--which I've done before, but never with it so long.. it must be half way down my back (!).. I've been liking it, though. It's quite a contrast, given my usual curly "puff" atop my head (!) I suppose I should do this more often.. although this rainy weather makes maintaining it this way quite a challenge. [as in, umbrellas and rain hats 'n things] Still, I quite like it.

.. what else..

.. (I miss you terribly).

.. you know, I don't know what will happen with this, but this Goa person is looking to get me hooked up with some musicians, and even knows the Parisian proprietor of a very nice French restaurant on the beach there--who just might be interested in having me sing. [????].. I guess, once I'm done with the writing, I really should do that open mic, then. {!!}.. [seems like the reasonable way to proceed, at this point]

[??]

.. of course, at the very least I'll need to find a good jazz pianist.. so

I really don't know how that's going to work out. But this is all off towards the end of the world.. or at least towards the beginning of the holiday season next fall.. so.. I've some time to digest it all, I guess. [oh, and I'll have seen you perform by then, too..

(my angel).. (my love..

so

all in its own time, I guess.

.. I want to kiss you so badly.. x.. (have a good holiday, my angel.. in case I don't get back here).. (and a good holiday weekend to all here in the states)

.. and.. once again.. (just for you, my love).. (xx x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kafVkPxj ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx. xx xx.. xxx x x..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?

.. I just have one thing to say, really. Well, maybe more than one. But, I love you, and I'm miserable.

[later note: I'm back here tonight, and decided that saying that last line just once is quite enough, sad to say]


.. so.. my brother is here until tomorrow, when I'll be taking him to the train--unless I decide to go into the city.. though I'm not so sure about that.

.. and late last night I somehow wound up in my little private white conference room.. [that would be the bathroom].. and once again I very quietly cried. I cried rather deeply.. (I was crying for you, my love)

.. but, I guess I'm realizing something: that nothing is in my hands. Not really. And maybe circumstances are all that matter.. in which case, nothing can come of any of this. Not really.

.. or maybe, as Violet's own heart would have it.. circumstances mean nothing.. and since my heart already resides beside yours--even when I scold it, and tell it not to--then that's all that should matter.. and if that's true, then love will find a way. I really can almost believe that. Well, I know my heart does believe that.

[sigh]

.. so, I'll just finish my story, and see what happens with that.. and.. well, I'm thinking of buying some brand new banker boxes, and putting just what's essential for me in these little boxes. I can't do that until I finish writing, of course. But that's what I need to do. Just what seems essential.. in these little white banker boxes. I mean, my life is in a bunch of boxes in the bigger "haunted" house, anyway.. so

.. but, then--if I do that--then maybe I'll know in some symbolic sense just what my life consists of at present.

.. only, I don't really have to do that to know, since it seems to consist mainly of you.. (my love).. (my angel)

[sigh]


.. well, it's as if this Memorial Day Weekend came, and suddenly it was summer. I rode around our lake twice, but both times "humans" were occupying our dock.. so.. no dock this weekend. Though I craned my neck to look to the far shoreline.. (and I whispered to you, my angel.. that all be well with you)..

.. (there's also always that very still "Tibetan" bell I look for).. (hanging from the hemlock)


.. so.. I guess the crocuses must have come and gone, though I'd not seen even one this year.. (well, maybe in the city) (ironically).. and add to that pansies.. and tulips.. (even tulips, my love--I've not seen any up here).. nor my mother's favorite.. (especially scent wise).. those tiny ivory-white lilly of the valley. All must have come and gone.. in some lovely spring garden somewhere.. far away from here. [here these tender flower morsels just provide nice "deer salad," I'm afraid.. unless one is prepared with some pretty tall fencing]

.. I did see the bright yellow.. uh.. I'm forgetting the name. Hmm.. [maybe it will come to me].. [or I.F.]..

oh: forsythia.. (those speak to me of my childhood somehow.. maybe all these flowers do)..

.. and of course there were the [deer proof] yellow daffodils.. [deer just don't care for them for some reason].. and the near white ones, which I like less.

.. and next to bloom were the lovely lilacs, whose full purplie blossoms like to bow down over the fence from the neighbor's yard. [the one neighbor, who's never at his summer cottage now].. but, yes.. the lovely lavender lilacs may well be my favorite. (I picked some for my table this year).. (my beloved)

.. and now, the rhododendrons are out, and vibrant purple, and lovely, too. (and the white ones should come shortly, since in late spring their blossoms usually fill the forests up here.. where they seem to float, like small clouds.. or large snowflakes..



.. anyway, this is just an early morning note to let you know that my heart is aching for you.. and that nothing is any good without you. [it's just not]

.. I'll be getting breakfast going soon, but I'm having my first tea of the day as I write this.

[okay, my second]


.. you know I discovered that this song has a "long" version, which fills out the little story more.. so I thought I'd post it.

(and I have a little present for you, too).. (below).. (it, too, is the Birth of Venus, in case you can't tell).. (the pattern's a bit on the smallish side, I'd say).. (just a bit)


.. okay, my tender morning kiss to you, my love.. x.. (my angel).. (and I do hope all is well..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oHIgynH6UQ
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xxx.. xx x x.. x x x..

[Violet]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kHKU77G2TM
FULL SCREEN..

[such beautiful desert imagery]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?.. (here's my first kiss tonight.. x)

.. I remember this part of this Bertolucci film.. [based on Paul Bowles' The Sheltering Sky].. but I remember this woman character being taken to this chieftain's home, and locked up in a tower. [there's that tower theme again].. and he'd come and make love to her--and those scenes are quite erotic, as I recall.

.. but I thought of this part of the film, too, since this woman.. [played by Debra Winger].. but she just lost her husband to malaria, I think it was.. and she was still raw with grieving this great loss.. and so what she did was to let herself be taken by this chieftain person.. and in so doing, allow herself to get lost in the exoticism of this culture--where she didn't know the customs, or the language. [with the other wives jealous of the chieftain's attentions towards her, as well]

but.. I don't know.. something about her letting herself get lost in this.. in the exoticism, and eroticism.. it resonates with me just now. I feel as though I'm shedding just so much of my past. And, in spending so much time alone.. well, you really see how it is people can reinforce the sense of who you are, even if it's entirely contrary to who it is you feel to be.. or who it is you feel you've become.. and so, to be free of that.. well, it really can be freeing.

.. but, in shedding my past.. I'm wondering, too, just where it is I'm heading, exactly.


.. you know, you, to me, are this wonderful mystery.. one I've known something about for years, but.. well, now all that's changed.. even if you remain something of a mystery. Still, I feel so connected to you now, which I believe has to do with spending all this time here.

.. and maybe that's also why this sensual desert imagery--this woman's getting lost in that--resonates with me just now. It has something to do with you.. and with this "not knowing where I'm going".. and this shedding of my past.. this finding a different way to exist in the world, given the old way was no longer working--if ever it did even work.

.. but, you know, here, my love.. I do feel more myself.


.. well, it's good the holiday weekend is over. It didn't come at a good time, as I was hoping to finish the writing first.. and.. well, also, it's that time of the month, which sometimes has me feeling fragile, and weepy.. so

it's good the weekend's over with, and I'm back to work.. (even as it was good to spend some time with my brother, who seemed in fairly good spirits)

.. anyway, it's late, my angel.. I should get to bed, and start in early. I did make it out to our lake today, and it was wonderful to again lie on the dock.. with the weather windy, and cloudy.. and the sounds just so sharp all around me.. the sound of the water lapping, and splashing.. and once again the raucous sound of the birds in the trees.. and of children playing on a dock somewhere--there were just so many layers to it.. and somehow in trying to isolate each sound.. [oh, along with the "felt" buoyancy of the dock].. but, well, at one point it was as though I heard the sounds all together, but separately--and it did give a sense of "lift off" almost..

.. and when I sat up to look to where I look for you, my love.. there was a far off sailboat with a tiny white sail.. just at that point in the lake.. just where I look for you.

.. (I love you, my angel.. x)



(this music is by the same composer Bertolucci had used in his film. Its poignantly moving theme is rather the way I've been feeling.. and how it is I've been wanting you, my love..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwQkSRuC ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. x x ..

[Violet]

48

Awaken me, Lord, from the dream of despair, and let me describe my sin. I would
not fall into the bewilderment to which your name invited me. I established a court,
and I fell asleep under a crown, and I dreamed I could rule the wicked. Awaken me
to the homeland of my heart where you are worshipped forever. Awaken me to the
mercy of the breath which you breathe into me. Remove your creature's self-created
world, and dwell in the days that are left to me. Dissolve the lonely dream which is
the judgement on my ignorance, and sweep aside the work of my hands, the barricades
of uncleanliness, which I commanded against the torrents of mercy. Let your wisdom
fill my solitude, and from the ruin raise your understanding. Blessed is the name of the
glory of your kingdom forever and ever. What I have not said, give me the courage to
say. What I have not done, give me the will to do. It is you, and you alone who refines
the heart, you alone who instructs mortals, who answers the trembling before you with
wisdom. Blessed is the name of the one who keeps faith with those who sleep in the
dust, who has saved me again and again. To you is the day, and the conscious night, to
you alone the only consecration. Bind me, intimate, bind me to your wakefulness.

[Book of Mercy]

.. my love.. how are you?

.. I've been reading the above while listening to the Ryuichi Sakamoto composition, A Flower is not a Flower, that I just posted.. only I'm playing it very low. [I'm playing it even now] Its longing and mournfulness is rather heartbreaking to listen to.. but it's soothing, too.. and somehow fills me with you.. and seems to me to complement the language of your book.

.. I'm always so moved by these passages of yours, even as I'm left with questions.. though significant ones, I feel.

I established a court, and I fell asleep under a crown, and I dreamed I could rule the wicked.

.. this line has me thinking of the writing I'm doing.. that I might "rule the wicked".. [even as I see the fallacy in that]

Awaken me to the homeland of my heart where you are worshipped forever. Awaken me to
the mercy of the breath which you breathe into me.

.. I went on my bike ride rather late this evening.. and especially given the late hour, the light was just stunning. I did lie on our dock again--with a near blinding setting sun that was just then over the tree line. There were no raucous birds this time of evening, which helped me discern the sound of the water lapping against the dock from the sound of the choppy waves at more of a distance. There were other sounds, too.. too far off to make out very well.

.. and there was you.

.. I couldn't even look to where I usually look for you, given the brightness of the sun was eclipsing that.. but, still, the lake with its long band of fire reaching towards me was quite beautiful. And I stood up, and said my little prayer to you, as I walked the walkway back to shore.. and I thought to put my hand to my heart as I did this.. not even knowing why, exactly.

.. if I didn't see our Tibetan bell, it was only because I was speaking to you in my mind.. thinking of all I wanted to tell you, as I rode. Then I realized I'd passed it. I even thought to turn back, but then I thought I'd ride on, remembering how the last time I passed it I even stopped to ring the bell myself--though I'd forgotten to tell you. I saw that it's actually not hanging from the hemlock, but from a heavy wrought-iron pole that's fixed in the earth at an angle, and that has an elegant curve at its end, from where the bell is hanging. And because it's situated there between the branches of the hemlock, it does seem to belong to that tree.

.. so, I rang it.. just to hear that timeless sound again. Still, it had me wishing the wind was strong enough to have it ring without me.

.. oh, but I wanted to tell you.. (as I continued my ride around our lake).. how the light this evening was just so..

you know, I'm not sure I can do it credit just now.. but it was getting towards nightfall.. only, there was a three-quarter moon out--or something like--and so, the sky was quite bright still. It had that subtle sort of brightness that surprises one, since it does seem it should be nightfall, and yet, to look up at the sky at such moments is to realize just how bright it is still.. and "open" seeming.

.. and as I rode, the light over the lake--which I was seeing through the dark entanglements of trees as I moved past.. but it was the sweetest sense of light, which I could only just glimpse between the branches.. oh, and with the houses all lit from within.. and all so golden-warm seeming.. (since so seldom do I get to look into them like that). One house had large glass windows, and seemed open to all the world.. and yet, it was such a warm feeling to peer inside, with all its orangey lights turned on.. and the clean glass of its windows looking just so pristine.

.. but, what I keep remembering, my love, is the place where the road divides one side of our lake from the other.. the "other" being this smaller pond. It's when I ride there that on either side of me there's an expanse of water.. but, tonight it was just so startling feeling, as I came out from where it was this near dark forest--and all at once there was the soft pink fading sky to the left of me.. and the moonlit brightness over the pond to my right.. where the moon felt just so "present," as to be beaming at me.

.. you know, I feel awkward with these words tonight.. but, everything feels to be your heart to me right now. And this evening, especially.. as I rode.. with the world around me just so exquisite seeming. [and in my mind, I called you "my divine"]


.. the barricades of uncleanliness, which I commanded against the torrents of mercy.

.. you know, my love.. I'm moved by these passages, not just in terms of their beauty, but in terms of the pain there, as well. A pain I recognize.. in myself.. but also in you.

.. even as there is something strong and somehow "protected" seeming in these passages.. [perhaps that speaks to the "structure" I was talking about earlier].. but, also, there is the sense of laying bare all that is most unmanageable in our despair. All that we see in ourselves that is most contemptible--but only to ourselves.. that "light" might be let into us, if only we are willing for such of God's mercy.


I will have to leave the rest of this passage for later, my love.. as it's late, and I'm to the city tomorrow, and it may be a long day. Today the writing went well, and I'm hoping to start "formatting" it by the end of the weekend, since it really seems about finished. Yesterday I somehow got entangled in some new research, from which I managed to escape without too much damage done, time wise.. anyway, I feel it's largely finished.. though even the formatting should itself take a couple of days.. so

.. I send you my love, my angel.. my tender kiss.. x.. (sleep well.. and I miss you..

.. (somehow I'm back to this beautiful rendition)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiub38ys-FA
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xxx ..x x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?

.. well, I'm thinking that tomorrow I should do a print-out, and read the whole thing through. I may be at the place of "throwing in the towel".. which is to say, I could probably keep going with it, but I think it's finished, at least for now. I can always tweak things after I post it.. but, generally speaking, I'd say it does what I wanted it to do.

.. the "science section" has been difficult, since I keep finding new material, and some of it is conflicting data, etc.. so..

[sigh]

.. oh, and when I'm real tired, I feel like throwing out that part of it entirely.. but when I'm rested again, I quite like reading it.. so, I'm going with my "rested" self.

.. so, I guess what I'm saying is.. that.. it's looking like

[it's finished]

[pretty sure]

[for now, at least]

[have I told you how much I adore you, lately?]

[my love]

.. so.. yeah.

[sigh]


.. oh, on the Goa front.. this Goa person knows this music teacher, whose house I would be renting while I'm there--oh, and she has a baby grand there, too.. [which is nice, since I've not played in.. gosh, I have no idea how long] [which means I probably can't play a thing at this point]

.. anyway, this person knows all these Indian blues musicians who played at the Mahindra Blues Festival.. [some of them probably backing up Buddy Guy, Taj Mahal.. John Lee Hooker Jr.. etc]

.. anyway, she said it wouldn't be a problem to set me up with some of these blues dudes.. so

maybe I'll be singing some bluesy jazz a the end of the world at the end of this year, then. (my love)

(my angel)

I guess I'll see. I'll have to put together a little set list before then.. which would be difficult since I like singing quite a large selection of songs, at this point.. one that keeps growing, too.. so

how does one choose?

[??]


.. I did go to our dock again. It was amazingly windy today, and partly cloudy.. but I did catch some sun when I went.. and actually, it turned out to be just gorgeous.

.. I have to say that when lying there on the dock when the wind is as strong as it was today, it really does feel like "lift off." [it's something about the "rumbling" of the dock, I think] And when I sat up to look to where I look for you, my love.. well.. something about the wind hurling itself at the surface of the water--creating these choppy waves that felt to be coming right at me.. I don't know, it had me feeling as if I were sailing, almost. And I tried to hold on to that sensation, as I focused on the far side of the lake.. feeling the water pass under the dock, as if it were this boat I was on.. this boat that was sailing towards you.. (my love)


.. you know, if I'm sad right now.. well, it's to do with my feeling so lovely just at the thought of being with you. I know I haven't even met you, and.. I suppose, rationally speaking, that should mean I have no way of knowing how I'd feel.. and yet, still.. I think I would feel divine. [that word again]

.. and so, of course I fear losing this sense of being with you. [since that's all I have of you]

.. so.. it can make me feel sad, just the prospect of that. [actually, it can have me feeling rather desperate, if I let it]

.. but, then, I think.. well, you're going on tour, and that's terribly exciting.. and I'll be seeing you perform.. and

who knows, maybe I'll overcome my stage fright and even be performing myself. [stranger things have happened, I guess].. I mean, I do feel more confident now that I've been practicing.. so

.. so, I mean.. there are reasons to feel excited, as well. And.. well.. there's also this "not knowing".. not knowing what it is I'm sailing toward..

I do wish I could kiss you, my angel.. x.. (x x xx..

(just so much)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDaioEARz_0
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx.. xx x.. x x x..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. I miss you. (how are you?)

.. so, I'm preparing to post this mammoth thing. I think I'll be posting maybe four sections, around thirty pages each, or a bit more. It's hard to say, since the font I printed this thing out in is minuscule--because..

actually, never mind. It just is. [too boring to go into] Anyway, I hope that works. I don't know how much one post can handle, in fact.. but.. that's my plan.

I may have to go to city tomorrow, but if not, then I'll see if I can get it formatted and possibly posted.. though that might be a stretch.

.. anyway, my angel.. I've been tired feeling today.. and the weather turned downright cold. Still, I forced myself out to our lake, since I didn't get out there yesterday when I missed my "sunny" window.. as just when I thought I might go, there was this great big thunder storm--with UNUSUALLY loud thunder, which had me--well, you'll see.. [once you read the science material in the story, I mean]

.. today I wound up wearing two sweaters and a jacket and a scarf--and my purple gloves.. and it's June. [??]

.. anyway, I was hoping the ride would lift my spirits, as I was feeling a bit down. Worse than down, just sort of numb feeling.. and tired. Just bleh.

.. but, when I lay on the dock the blocked sun was illuminating the clouds, and it really was beautiful. The clouds were in swift motion, too.. and at one point, it looked as though two of them were encircling each other, almost as if they were making love..

(my angel)

but then, all at once, the sky turned dark.. with dark clouds moving in, and a light rain starting--and so I got up to go.. and looked to where I always look for you, this time with a dramatic cloudscape painted above the horizon.

.. and while on my bike, I found myself asking you for your help--that I might feel less troubled about things. That I might feel "lighter".. as I so often do, when thinking of you.

.. then I got to the hemlock, and our Tibetan bell.. (still, as ever).. but just as I was passing it a large hawk flew out from a tree--quite high above me--and just as he flew out a piece of wood fell from his claws, loudly hitting the tree trunk as it sailed down below. It was a piece of timing inspired by Hitchcock, almost--and I was startled by it.

.. then I continued my ride.. with the darkening sky.. and a slight "gloom" in the air. (and I spoke to you the whole time)


.. I'm still tired feeling, my love. I guess I should go to sleep. (maybe I'll listen to your Lullaby)

.. my tender kiss, my angel.. x.. (that you might come to me in my dreams..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAanOLTs ... ure=fvwrel
FULL SCREEN..

.. x x.. x xx.. xx..

[Violet]

.. my beloved, I've been missing you just so much. How are you?.. (I do hope all is well).. (I wonder if you're writing any new songs..

.. yesterday I did the city, so not much work done.

.. TODAY.. well..

okay, it's been rough. But, I'm working it through. I realized, since this is such a

I don't know--obstinate beast of a thing I've been writing.. and.. well, when I went to format it, and post it today

well, I won't say what I thought. [it was pretty dismal]

but, then I realized I should just look at each quarter section in terms of.. well, something like "dramatic structure".. even if I'm not sure what this thing even is, at this point.. given, it's not quite a screenplay.. and nothing like a novel.. or a play. It really is its own beast, it seems.. and as such, I'm not even sure what it "requires." I mean, this has been the most "blind" process I think I've ever put myself through, writing wise.. so

anyway, I'm sure it will be okay. Especially now that I've decided how to handle it. And I'm not planning on this taking too long, either. I'll just have to see how much further I get with it tomorrow. I'd just like to be as ruthless as I can be in giving this thing one last good edit. I mean, after all I've been through with it, I'd like it if the thing were at least somewhat compelling to read. (!)

[sigh]

I didn't even get out to our lake today, my angel--and there were a few "sunny" windows, too.. but, my god, there's still all this rain.. and it's COLD. [?????????????]

[another sigh]

.. anyway, my love.. I don't know, I've just been feeling so close to you these past few days, especially. Sometimes you feel so far away.. and sometimes not. I don't like it when you feel to be gone from me.. but when you feel close, that's not entirely easy, either.. and yet, I much prefer it.. (even if I don't know why I even feel such things)

.. oh, my love, I do want to kiss you, just so much.. x

(as for the link, I found this recently. I wish it were better quality, image wise.. still, it's rather fun to watch with your beautiful song)..

(I miss you, my darling).. (and I want that chocolate ice cream cone!!..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzR-tdso ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx.. x xx.. xx..

oh, to go with all that dancing..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?

.. I'm sleep bound.. I just came here to give my little "status report."

.. the first three sections were not as bad as I thought. I did a good deal of tweaking, but not much in the way of editing.. so

.. but, now I'm back in the last section, which is the dreaded "science" section. And THAT needed some overhauling. I also feel like I should probably read about a half a dozen books on various subjects, but I've decided to ignore that unsettling impression.

[sound effect: the SOUND of Violet now ignoring that unsettling impression]


.. anyway, I look forward to seeing this last section with fresh eyes in the morning, since I think I did some good editing on it this afternoon.

.. so.. "sleep, baby, sleep".. is the prescription, I think. [for now]

.. actually, I did go out to our lake the last two evenings, and saw some lovely sunsets. Today I even stopped at the other lake on the way back, and saw some Canadian geese, I guess they were, swimming with their sweet little spring goslings. [oh, I just got the "Canada" reference].. Anyway, since the sun was nearing the horizon, I was seeing them in silhouette against the shimmering water, and that really made for quite a wonderful sight--entirely enchanting.. and I wished you were there with me to watch.

.. you know, when I'm lying on that dock--at our lake, I mean--with the sky just so vast above me.. and the water loudly lapping all around me.. and with the dock slightly buoyant feeling just beneath me.. [oh, given it's the type of dock that sits atop the water].. but, when I'm lying there like that, I do feel to be in my favorite spot in all the world. And I almost can't believe that no one else is around.. that I seem to be the only one who's discovered this little piece of heaven.. [especially when lying down like that]

.. of course, it's the little piece of heaven that I've always felt to be sharing with you, ever since I discovered it.. whether you feel to be close to me, or are far off seeming.. there's still always this sense of you.. this conversation I guess I'm having.. and if I feel at all apprehensive about things just now, it's.. well, as I've said before.. it's not knowing what it would feel like to be without this sense of you.

.. it's a bit troubling, my angel.

.. anyway, I'm tired.. and so, the Scarlett edict needs to be invoked. [I'm not sure I even need to write it out, at this point].. [oh, okay: T.i.A.D.].. [or, no: After all, T.i.A.D.]

[and I said I'd never "text"]

.. okay, my angel.. I send you my most tender kiss.. x.. (wish me luck..

(I miss you)

.. this is terribly lovely, these two.. (just captivating)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4qSuncGWNs
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my beloved, how are you?

.. well, it seems I'm done with the writing. Strange to say. I'll have to format it tomorrow.. but, I think I got the last section pretty much to where I like it.

.. I did get out to our lake.. our dock. The weather was rather like pea soup.. with the setting sun just burning through the haze. In the place on the horizon where I look for you, there was a near blinding reflection on the lake, although the horizon itself looked a soft, grey-blue.

.. I included Monet's Water Lilies below since, when I walk back to shore from the dock.. (along that narrow walkway).. on either side of me are just such lilies. And today, even with the weather this haze, the water was clear as glass.. a mirror almost, with the floating lilies looking up at me, hopeful.

.. on the way back I stopped again at the other lake. There were two boats out on the water.. men fishing.. and the sun was now to the left of me, over the mountain.. over where our lake is. I looked directly at it.. and was asking you what you thought.

.. what do you think I should do?.. I asked.


.. What I have not said, give me the courage to say. What I have not done, give me
the will to do. It is you, and you alone who refines the heart, you alone who instructs
mortals, who answers the trembling before you with wisdom. Blessed is the name of
the one who keeps faith with those who sleep in the dust, who has saved me again and
again. To you is the day, and the conscious night, to you alone the only consecration.
Bind me, intimate, bind me to your wakefulness.

[Book of Mercy] [48, excerpt]


.. well, I am tired, my love. Too tired to know much of anything. You are terribly dear.. and I've had you so close, for so long now.

.. anyway, I've created quite a world, I think.. for Agent Longing, and Violet..

.. and hopefully some of it is worthy of you.

.. my tender kiss to you, my love.. x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuUgTxgo ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. you know, I watch this.. and

it comes to me how Beauty is--actually, I don't even know what. But it takes hold of me. It tells me how small I am, in the face of such that it is..

.. but it gives life its form, and worth, and reason.

thank you, my love.. for such Beauty.

x

[Violet]

.. my angel, I'm at the halfway mark, in terms of this formatting business. It's tedious, and I tend to wind up tweaking the writing one last time, as I go through it all.. so, it's taking longer than I'd hoped. I'm hoping sometime tomorrow I'll have the last two sections formatted, and the whole thing posted.

[sigh]

.. how are you, my love?.. you know, you feel to be so much a part of me, now.. I can't imagine that ever not being so.

.. yesterday was all clouds. I couldn't see much of anything at our lake.. from our dock.

.. but on the horizon where I look for you, there was a slightly inky, pinkish glow in the shape of a long arched window, almost.. illuminating the grey-blue sky.

oh, when I walked back toward shore, and looked again for the water lillies, I saw there were no blooms at all. (!).. My angel, I could have sworn there were blooms the day before, but I must have imagined them when I went to write about it. I don't know when water lillies normally bloom, in fact. Also, the strange weather is playing tricks on nature, it seems. My beautiful apple blossoms didn't even show up this spring. I don't know what that means, even.. one tree especially is usually just the pride of spring, with its dappled white blossoms just so sweetly glorious.

.. but, it's so strange. I honestly thought I saw those water lillies, looking up at me, as I walked along the walkway to shore, two evenings ago. I must have remembered that from some other time, it seems.

.. I stopped again at the other lake yesterday evening, as well. The wooded path I take comes right before a long hill I have to ride up.. and so, it gives me another place to contemplate things, as I rest up for the last part of my little journey. And even with the sky dense with clouds, and the sun thoroughly hidden.. still, the water was just so soothing to look upon, especially given that time of day.

.. and, I sat there--oh, on these nice flat rocks that jut out into the water, and make the perfect spot for sitting.. but, as I sat there, I thought of how it is I ask you things. I thought of you, and wondered at that. I was sad feeling, and even cried a bit, and wondered if you were there for me, or not. I guess I usually feel that you are, not even knowing why I do. But, as I thought these things, there suddenly appeared this bird--this heron, I think it was.. flying low over the water, and then landing upon this little floating dock that's not very far from where I sit. But, to see this exquisite creature stretching out his long legs as he made his landing upon the dock.. well.. it seems it was one of those small moments of divinity.


.. anyway, I'm not as sad today, my love. I'm actually glad to be almost finished, and I do hope I'll converse with you about it. It's hard to say why this has been so difficult to write. If it's fairly entertaining to read, and fairly "easy" seeming.. then it will have been worth all the work.

.. you know, when I ask myself in exasperation just WHY I took to writing this thing.. well, what I find I settle on is that it was written with just such love for you. [and that.. well, "it satisfies"].. [to borrow a favorite expression of mine from Jane Campion's Piano]


.. anyway, my beloved.. I love you, just so much.

.. I hope you are writing some new songs. I never tire of Old Ideas.. and feel it deepens even more somehow.. with time.

.. okay, my kiss to you, my love.. x.. (it's lingering.. and full of desire)

(oh, I've never seen this film before..

(if I were there I would have called out to you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIssqxix ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx x.. x