In your dreams

[peter danielsen]

In your dreams also
the women leave you
You watch them disappear on flourishing bicycles
while you are kneeling powerless
much too deep
only just so that they
in the triumphant moment looking back
can be in time to laugh
at the moon of your middle age

[fishfishquaileye]

Peter, there are some promising moments here but I feel it is spoilt by a few randomers as well. "flourishing bicycles" doesn't work. Try angry bicycles or mocking bicycles. Glorious is another possible. Change to to too. Delete the moon. Try pit. Not great hmmmm

Fishfish

[Geoffrey]

In your dreams also
the women leave you
You watch them disappear on flourishing bicycles
while you are kneeling powerless
much to deep
only just so that they
in the triumphant moment looking back
can be in time to laugh
at the moon of your middle age

no good, pete - sorry.

[peter danielsen]

well thanks for the comments, will think about the suggestions

[peter danielsen]

btw "moon" in danish signify a balding spot in danish, is that not the same in english?