Autumn leaves

[peter danielsen]

Trees wither and die
They gather one last time
At the hill
They shiver with bleeding wrinkled leaves
Trees touch each other before they pass away
They read the annual rings of each other
Like a shop assistant reads a barcode
Or maybe exactly not like that
They creak knot by knot
Their warped moss covered stems touch each other
Just before the foundation fails
And they crash into dust
In the dusk
Before my
Sleepless eye

[peter danielsen]

Tu vois, je n’ai pas oublié
La chanson que tu me chantais.

[Cate]

I like this so much!

I feel like I been here, I can so easily see in my head the trees
coming together and gently touching in their last hours.

The only hiccup for me was the shop assistant line and the one following,
simply because it pulled me out of the poem for a minute.

[lizzytysh]

I think you're right, Cate... just omitting those 2 lines would do the poem no harm and the continuity of the visuals would go undeterred.

[Manna]

You've got some nice lines in here, but there are some things I question. Are you up for workshopping?

Starting with "Trees wither and die," gives me the idea that the trees are already done - unable to do all that stuff in the rest of the poem. I like "wrinkled" for the leaves, but bleeding seems a bit too visceral for your message. I agree with Cate about the barcode lines. I can see where it came from visually, but it's missing something to work thematically. Also, the "before my sleepless eyes" bit doesn't do anything at all for me. I like the ritualistic reading of annual rings.

[peter danielsen]

Starting with "Trees wither and die," gives me the idea that the trees are already done - unable to do all that stuff in the rest of the poem-->I dont agree trees wither and die is just a fact
Bleeding is just the colour
The eyes are sleepless becouse of the fact of death