Incomplete

peter danielsen · Post by **peter danielsen** » Fri Sep 03, 2004 3:09 pm

I got a new song on my mind
about a fate to beat
some words are coarse and seem to leave
connections incomplete

It started when I fucked you dear
and you did whisper sweet:
I did expect a deeper touch
than rather incomplete

For seconds I could see a wave
rejoice against the shore
but then my heart was drawn to sea
to leave you nothing more

I think you even know the score
I'll kiss and dry your feet
when I have have reached the ocean floor
to make the song complete

I may have lost the air to breathe
and any strength to swim
the course conceitedly announced
but oh the vision dim

But I must try to touch the ground
I cannot fail the call
though it may be my fate to make
a failure of it all

But years from now, we'll meet again
your satin dress will glow
then sweet caress can cover time
the chance that I did blow

I know the words within the heart
that lousy is the deed
to leave the love and join a song
that's rather incomplete

woodyallens · Post by **woodyallens** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 12:27 am

'I know the words within the heart
that lousy is the deed
to leave the love and join a song
that's rather incomplete'

i realy like the end especially the last two lines. it has a real flow...
do u write stuff to be sung?

tom

J Hillenburg · Post by **J Hillenburg** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:15 am

Absolutely fantastic! There isn't one weak line in this entire work, and it conveys itself beautifully. Kudos to you, Peter. A fine poem in every respect.

"the course conceitedly announced
but oh the vision dim"

Absolutely wonderful!

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:28 pm

I like seeing Leonard's influences weaving their way through this song, Peter, beginning with its rhythm, references, and images. I like the result.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Sun Sep 05, 2004 1:03 pm

there are tiny glimpses of potential here but overall your poem is standard teenagery doggerel. The lines are mechanically worked throughout to make simplistic rhymes, which is a real turn-off for me. Perhaps it will help you if I make comment as I go through the verses.

I got a new song on my mind

"I got" is a yucky construction unless you are deliberately setting out to write a grungy song.

about a fate to beat

what do you mean by "a fate to beat"? It's an unattractive phrase. Were you trying a double meaning of overcome and rhythm?

some words are coarse and seem to leave
connections incomplete

ahem...

It started when I fucked you dear
and you did whisper sweet:
I did expect a deeper touch
than rather incomplete

moderate, but see the la la pattern

For seconds I could see a wave
rejoice against the shore
but then my heart was drawn to sea
to leave you nothing more

moderate, la la pattern again

I think you even know the score

"know the score" is a horrid cliché

I'll kiss and dry your feet
when I have reached the ocean floor
to make the song complete

dum di dum di dum. Nothing is urgent, nothing is surprising let alone moving. Nothing is real here.

I may have lost the air to breathe
and any strength to swim
the course conceitedly announced
but oh the vision dim

please, please no "oh" lines. This is almost a public confession of failure. You have no right to use "oh" unless you have just written a serious Masterpiece. I recall my first ever school poem. I was 6 and wrote about a visit to the dentist. After describing the horror, I revealed with stunning originality that it was all a dream and the last line was "but, oh, how horrid the dentist seems". Your last line above is almost as banal and you are almost certainly older than 6.

But I must try to touch the ground

2 consecutive lines starting "but". Bad call.

I cannot fail the call

another bad "call"

though it may be my fate to make
a failure of it all

But years from now, we'll meet again

but, its' "but" again.

your satin dress will glow
then sweet caress can cover time
the chance that I did blow

eeek, that last line is dreadful. If you want to phrase in a quaint way, as you did above in "you did whisper sweet" you may just get away with it. But you can't combine the same mannered phrasing with an awful modern cliché like blowing your chance. The result is a confusion of 2 bad styles. Just decide which bad style you prefer. Your poem did you really blow with this line.

I know the words within the heart
that lousy is the deed

this quaint style is getting really irritating. It is *not* real. Repeat, it is *not* real. No-one talks like that unless that is the chosen style of a *real* poet or writer.

to leave the love and join a song
that's rather incomplete

I hope my comments will help you when you write your next piece. Good Luck.

peter danielsen · Post by **peter danielsen** » Sun Sep 05, 2004 6:07 pm

hi critic,
I welcome your familiar voice. Thanks for taking your time to read the damn thing. I hope your irritation also brought you joy.

By the way "no one speaks in that way...". No one? Then you would have to know every person would thou not? "its not real.." oh oh, the Judge of the real has finally found me.

Peter

Midnight · Post by **Midnight** » Sun Sep 05, 2004 9:20 pm

Peter,

Don't look at me!

Critic2,

I think some of the problem is that English is not Peter's "birth" language. I notice that a lot of people (on this forum) whose first language is not English write poetry in English. I bet they are a lot better in their native languages. At least I hope so.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Sun Sep 05, 2004 10:12 pm

That was a point worth making, Midnight. I suppose that could make a critic softer in his comments but it doesn't touch the quality of the poem of course.

What is, sadly, as predictable as his rhymes is his awful response. He reminds me of George Wright, another who shows little desire to learn.

Martine · Post by **Martine** » Mon Sep 06, 2004 12:01 am

deleted.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Mon Sep 06, 2004 12:23 am

I say "thank you" for its brevity! I have suffered enough already for one day.

two poems race down this page
and reach a bin
they meet in the middle
then drop right in

Martine · Post by **Martine** » Mon Sep 06, 2004 12:37 am

deleted.

Critic2 · Post by **Critic2** » Mon Sep 06, 2004 11:58 am

"dead spiders legs"- say no more...

Martine · Post by **Martine** » Mon Sep 06, 2004 4:49 pm

deleted.