maybe this poem is over-emotional but i'll take a risk and post it. I'm ready for your comments. positive and negative
the night
is all around me
it calls me
it feeds me
and this cage
they call a room
cannot keep me
silent or still
i run into the black
the city is sleeping
surrounded by the dark
i'm so happy i'm weeping
by heart is bursting
my love unreturned
i kneel to the ground
i cry to be heard:
"I'm not like them,
i'm lonely and i'm dying!
i'm tired of acting!
how long can i pretend?"
and when the night ends
like it never was
in my heart
i'm clean and ready
for the cruelness of
another sunny day.
the night
Hi Greta ~
I like how you've captured the relief that the night can bring. I like your second verse very much, with "cannot keep me / silent or still."
In the first line of your 5th verse, I'd separate out "I'm" into "I am," as it stresses with emphasis that you're 'different.' It also makes the verse balanced, as the 2nd and 3rd lines have "I'm" and then the 4th line has not contractions and asks "...can I...". For some reason, I'd change "cruelness" to "cruelty," as it reads more smoothly and, somehow, is more concise, just prior to your surprize [but accurate] and contrasting ending of "another sunny day."
There are a couple other areas that could somehow be smoother, but I have no suggestions for them. Overall, I still like the movement of leaving your room, going into the street, kneeling to the ground, and then readying yourself for another day.
~ Lizzy
I like how you've captured the relief that the night can bring. I like your second verse very much, with "cannot keep me / silent or still."
In the first line of your 5th verse, I'd separate out "I'm" into "I am," as it stresses with emphasis that you're 'different.' It also makes the verse balanced, as the 2nd and 3rd lines have "I'm" and then the 4th line has not contractions and asks "...can I...". For some reason, I'd change "cruelness" to "cruelty," as it reads more smoothly and, somehow, is more concise, just prior to your surprize [but accurate] and contrasting ending of "another sunny day."
There are a couple other areas that could somehow be smoother, but I have no suggestions for them. Overall, I still like the movement of leaving your room, going into the street, kneeling to the ground, and then readying yourself for another day.
~ Lizzy
Greta~
I like the cyclic connotations of your poem. For me, very relatable.
Gawd knows, there can be nothing crueler than a sunny day.
I don't think this is over-emotional. It reads to me like a well familiar plight put into words and forming a nicely writ poem. Hope getting it down was at least as comforting as a good pair of sunglasses
Thanks for sharing! Laurie
I like the cyclic connotations of your poem. For me, very relatable.
Gawd knows, there can be nothing crueler than a sunny day.
I don't think this is over-emotional. It reads to me like a well familiar plight put into words and forming a nicely writ poem. Hope getting it down was at least as comforting as a good pair of sunglasses
Thanks for sharing! Laurie
Greta, you are "not like them". Great! Don't ever become like them. Don't adopt the mode of pretense. We are all 'alone' and dying and yes sometimes lonely. Alone is a fact of existence. Lonely is a state of mind/spirit. It is easier to become a resigned pretender than it is to be open and truthfull but being real is superior no matter how tough things may be.
Hold on and not to worry about being emotional.
Kind regards, Witty Owl.
Hold on and not to worry about being emotional.
Kind regards, Witty Owl.
dear Greta,
your poem touch me so deep...
you are not" like them"...the people who pretend they are not expressing their emotions as you did very well...I love the whole idea of your poem, but really love this part...
but there are so many nights ahead for crying...and so many sunny days to pass...
thanks a lot for sharing your beautiful poem with us...and please, keep yourself emotional...for me this means to be alive...
Love, Iubita
your poem touch me so deep...
you are not" like them"...the people who pretend they are not expressing their emotions as you did very well...I love the whole idea of your poem, but really love this part...
this is the power of the poetry...giving us the right to kneel and cry loudly about our inner feelings...cleaning our soul and mind...for a while...by heart is bursting
my love unreturned
i kneel to the ground
i cry to be heard:
"I'm not like them,
i'm lonely and i'm dying!
i'm tired of acting!
how long can i pretend?"
but there are so many nights ahead for crying...and so many sunny days to pass...
thanks a lot for sharing your beautiful poem with us...and please, keep yourself emotional...for me this means to be alive...
Love, Iubita
Love, Light
wow i never expected to get such positive responses. Thanks. I'll try to stay emotional and not become like "them"
@Lizzy:
I know the poem is a bit rough..i wrote it very quickly and i read it through only once. I'd change it but... right now i can't really touch the poem because it was written in the heat of the moment.
@Lizzy:
I know the poem is a bit rough..i wrote it very quickly and i read it through only once. I'd change it but... right now i can't really touch the poem because it was written in the heat of the moment.
Hi Greta ~
I wholly understand. Actually, I suspect many suggestions given on the poems here go unheeded. After all, if it captured for you the moment, then it's likely it's how it should stay. A very personal decision. And, of course, I presume you know I'm not being critical, but rather 'suggestive.' I like your poem very much, and as the others have already expressed, I certainly have no problem with its emotion . I've been where your poem and you were.
~ Lizzy
I wholly understand. Actually, I suspect many suggestions given on the poems here go unheeded. After all, if it captured for you the moment, then it's likely it's how it should stay. A very personal decision. And, of course, I presume you know I'm not being critical, but rather 'suggestive.' I like your poem very much, and as the others have already expressed, I certainly have no problem with its emotion
. I've been where your poem and you were.~ Lizzy
your poem and Neruda
Hello Greta, your poem remembers me this of Pablo Neruda:
"La noche entera
con un hacha
me ha golpeado el dolor,
pero el sueño
pasó lavando como una gota oscura
piedras ensangrentadas.
Hoy de nuevo estoy vivo.
De nuevo
te levanto
vida,
sobre mis hombros.
................................
"La noche entera
con un hacha
me ha golpeado el dolor,
pero el sueño
pasó lavando como una gota oscura
piedras ensangrentadas.
Hoy de nuevo estoy vivo.
De nuevo
te levanto
vida,
sobre mis hombros.
................................